My Whole Sex Life

I think that the most profound things happen so slowly, and on such a large scale, that we need time and distance to perceive them. Even then, the changes aren’t revealed in some grand display, they tend to show up as little things here and there. Becoming a poly family has been like that. This morning I looked around and suddenly felt content that all was right and good with our family – that we have dreamed into being the things we that wanted.

My favorite picture of the four of us at our daughter's birth. Don't fuck with us.

The four of us (Joel, me, Harold, and his wife, Melanie) decided to have a baby together. Our daughter is currently about 18 months old. This journey of becoming parents and collectively forming a family has been much more difficult than any of us imagined, but we do love each other. Somehow, it all works.

This morning Melanie brought the baby back to my house around 7:30. Joel and I were still in bed and everyone else was sleeping. Melanie sat on the bed and we talked about our weekends and generally gossiped. I poked Joel into making coffee. The baby ran around and hugged and kissed everyone.

After a while, we got out of bed. We drank coffee, put on clothes, changed the baby, made breakfast – all that kind of stuff – but we just hung out together. Joel sat at the dining room table with his laptop and browsed mail-order brides. He chose to look at the Russian girls because Harold could help him translate. I pointed out that the girls on this site are looking to get married, and Joel countered that polyamory can be a long-term relationship. (Don’t worry, he’s not really serious. I think.) Just the normal family stuff…

At some point during the hour or so that Melanie was there, I looked around and realized that this is it. This is the family that we’ve worked so hard to build. And it has been hard. We’ve all four brought our own issues to this, as people do in any relationship, but multiplied by however many possible configurations four people can make. We’ve all wanted to run away at some point or another. And we’ve haven’t. We’ve chosen to stay. We’ve decided to be a family in this way that’s just right for us. We’re doing it.

Joel has provided me with another new word! We were fooling around in bed this morning, snuggling and getting each other off without actual intercourse. I was pretty sure that he had come because the back of my panties was all wet, but I asked, just to make sure. He was amused because it seemed kind of obvious and he asked me if I had orgasmed.

That seems like a straight-forward question, but it was hard for me to answer. I hadn’t had an actual full on orgasm, but I had experienced twinges and ripples of pleasure. It felt really good! There was all of the energy of coming. But no, not really coming.

Joel nodded sagely while I struggled to explain. “Ah,” he said, “you had a girlgasm.”

Wow. A girlgasm? What a great way to explain the full range of female orgasmic experience. Boys tend to either orgasm or not. Girls have that span of pleasure leading up to and coming down from full orgasm – not to mention the space between orgasms. So, we have girlgasms!

My weekend was a whirlwind of sex and sex related activity! It is, perhaps, too much for one blog post, but I’m just gonna shove it all in here. This is my weekend in no particular order…

I treated myself to sensual delights and utilized good self-care. I gave myself a pedicure with silver polish. I took a long quiet bath. I read vampire smut. I took a nap! All of these things helped me to recharge my batteries, be happy in my body, and just plain relax.

I went to see a performance at Little Red Studio. LRS focuses on exploring the sensual through interactive art, erotica, and performance. Every experience I’ve had there has been unique. This time I was looking at what they have created in terms of what I want to build for this website. Things like, how do you take what you know and love about erotic energy and share that with someone else? How do you create meaning and feeling around things that are common to human experience and yet deeply personal? These are really good things for me to be pondering at the moment.

Healing fire

I had flashbacks about sexual abuse I suffered as a child. It was good to be able to look at the memories and work through my feelings around them, but it really sucks to be side-swiped by things like that. We ended up ritually burning the item that triggered the flash backs because I just had too much negativity around it to keep it in the house. Yay, transformative powers of fire!

I got to demonstrate my CBT rock stardom at the CSPC. Harold and I attended the pansexual edge-play event Saturday night. It was a really good experience – fun and hot. Harold giving himself to me like that turns me on so much. I was able to really keep the energy going between us and still put on a good show. We got a few comments. And I used my new tool box for the first time!

There was a whole lot of coming going on! It was, after all, an all sex weekend. Fucking after the CBT demonstration, me getting myself off on the way home, Harold getting himself off at 5 in the morning, Joel and I getting each other off when everything suddenly flowed the right way, Harold bending me over the kitchen counter, me riding Harold on the kitchen floor, and Harold helping me orgasm after my bath…

I heard a dirty joke. This is from my college aged daughter: say, “alpha, kenny, body” 10 times fast. I got it the 2nd time through, but it’s taken everyone else a long time. Okay, it’s not that dirty. Or funny.

I created! I made several different WholeSexLife.com t-shirts. They look great. And sex is, at it’s heart, about creative energy.

I had lovely relationship moments. Harold and I took a nice romantic walk in the cemetery and talked about death. He’s likely to die before me so we talked about that, but he has too much to do to go anytime soon! And Joel and I spent Sunday morning in bed. It’s fabulous to just be relaxed together – cuddling, talking, kissing, and laughing. Both experiences remind me of how lucky I am. I am in love and loved in return, by two amazing men.

I was just on IM with Harold talking about Seattle’s Pride March this weekend and he used the best word. We’re hoping to go out tonight so we’re discussing options. I mentioned that I’m really not a party girl and he said that I was a party boi – all bouncy and femasculine.

Femasculine! I doubt that’s a new word, but I haven’t heard it before. Harold hadn’t heard it either. He said it just spurted out. I love new words! I love the whole idea of being femasculine!

Well, I may be bouncy and femasculine, but I still don’t know what we’re going to do tonight.

Costco is a kink that Harold and I share. We go once or twice a week. We’ve been known to make out in the middle of aisles with annoyed people squeezing past on either side. We have fantasies about fucking there – two stories up, on top of pallets of coffee or canned peaches, while clueless suburbanites consult their shopping lists. Costco is kinky!

Seriously. You try buying Costco quantities of Fleet enemas. Just smile at the checker and casually explain that they’re party favors. It’s highly entertaining. Or even better, turn to your partner and loudly ask if you’ve gotten enough batteries. You know the vibrators go through them so quickly!

My tool box!

Actually it’s the simple excess of Costco that turns me on. I like being organized and prepared. I like having my pantry well stocked. It really is a fetish kind of thing. I get wet.

Last night’s Costco run got me especially excited. I bought a tool box. For all of my kinky stuff. Squee!!! I had to put all of my tools in it and make it mine. I’m very happy with it! I took a blurry picture with my phone but I’m so excited, I just have to share…

Today was one of those days where I just feel anxious, no matter what I do. It makes it hard to relax and open up, hard to let Harold in and find a connection, and hard to make love. Thankfully, it was one of those rare sunny days here in the Pacific Northwest.

We started our date today with lunch. That’s good. Food is grounding.

Yay for sunshine!!!

Then we went outside and lay naked in the sunshine. It was glorious! When was the last time you just took off all of your clothes and let the warmth of the sun kiss your skin? Or felt the breeze in your pubic hair? Hey, sometimes a cootchie needs some fresh air!

Being out in the sun was so good for me. Suddenly oral sex started sounding pretty good. And feeling pretty good! And oral sex made me feel like doing a little CBT. And oral sex and CBT and the sun on my skin and the sweat between my breasts and the air on my cunt all made me feel like fucking.

Maybe it’s the boost of vitamin D, as Harold suggested, but I think that having all my skin open to the air helped me to feel more open emotionally. I know that the sheer sensual delight of being naked in the sunlight helped me be aware of my body on a primal level. I’m thankful that everything came together (seriously, no pun intended) for us to make love outdoors today because, I can tell you for sure, nothing is better for anxiety than several orgasms.

Joel and I had sex last night for the first time in about a month!

We are very close. We’re good partners. We’ve been together for a lot of years and through a bunch of children, but in the past year and a half I’ve been dealing with childhood sexual abuse issues. This is really hard stuff that I haven’t looked at before and it’s changed the dynamic between Joel and me.

Until a couple years ago, at least half of our sexual interactions involved some BDSM. Joel is a wicked top. We did a lot of bondage, spanking, domination, and kinky role play. It was great! We both really enjoy that kind of play. Recently though, I am not in a place to be submissive or be hurt. I need time to integrate my childhood stuff and decide if I still enjoy that kind of play.

On Joel’s side, he’s being protective. He’s really afraid of hurting me in a way that I don’t want and he doesn’t want to trigger my bad memories in any way. He also has some of his own emotional stuff to work out, like his father dying not too long ago.

I think we’re in some sort of sexual holding pattern. Otherwise, our relationship is stable. We still have all of the little loving intimacies that I love. We talk about everything. He applies my bath oil and I scratch his back. We just don’t have sex as often as we used to.

But it’s very sweet when we do!

You know those couples who seem like they’re always either fighting or fucking? All passion, all the time? Sometimes I feel like that with Harold. I’ve never been much of a fighter before, so it’s been excruciating at times. But now I’ve finally figured out why it’s so important for us to have those fights – it allows us to make love all of the time.

I hope you’ve had that experience – where simply being together is making love. Every touch feels electrically charged. Eye contact draws you into each other’s souls. A soft kiss draws a line of fire straight to your groin. Your lover’s breath against your skin leaves you weak-kneed and gasping…

We’ve been amazed at how passionate we still feel after three years together. It seems like those feelings tend to fade over the course of a relationship. I have a theory about why. I think that, over time, little things build up between partners. Like a comment that hurts feelings but isn’t discussed or recurring issues that aren’t resolved or things that neither partner is ready to discuss, but need to be addressed. This build up of stuff creates a distance between partners that makes it really hard to connect with each other in an intimate way.

There’s nothing wrong with that. It can be painful to be so open to someone else all of the time. It’s difficult to maintain a sense of self, get your needs met, and live with your partner without having a little space between you. Lots of people are still passionate when they come together and close that gap.

For Harold and me though, the close sexual bond that we share – being able to make love all of the time – is so important that we can’t stand to let any emotionally charged thing go unresolved for very long. With experience and hard work, we’ve gotten much better at figuring out how to talk through stuff. We don’t fight as much as we used to. And we still have the benefit of being intimately passionate…

I simply adore giving head. I’m orally inclined. I tend to want to put things in my mouth. And I get enthusiastic when I talk about oral sex…

On today’s date with Harold, I was channeling my inner teen, the girl who knows that blow jobs = power over boys. Especially if that boy (boi?) gets turned on when his balls get squeezed.

I really had fun. I sucked on his balls and nibbled a little, squishing each testicle gently between my teeth. I licked from the base of his cock to the tip, circling the head a few times, then slowly drew the whole thing into my mouth. I love the feel of a penis in my mouth – how I feel filled up, the way my tongue cradles it and how the head rubs the roof of my mouth. It’s very satisfying.

There is a slow build to the energy of desire. It was a joy to watch Harold’s face as I brought him right up to the edge of orgasm. I used my hands to knead his balls and grasp the base of his cock while I licked and sucked. He makes great noises. And this is my favorite part – the power part: I kept him on that edge for a pretty long time.

I could feel how close he was to coming and I would back off, slow down, change technique and then build back up again. I could tell that it was driving him crazy and he was loving it. We did that over and over. Let me tell you, it’s a good way to make a boy beg.

Fuck me pumps!

Last night Harold and I went to The Grind at the CSPC and had sex in public…

It’s not as raw as it sounds. The Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle has done amazing work in promoting, well, sex positive culture. They’ve been around for over 10 years and they continue to grow. The Grind is a weekly dance club/BDSM party, one of many events put on by the CSPC. I love going for the dancing, but I don’t get to go very often because it’s held on Thursday nights.

Somehow, all of the planets aligned last night, and I ended up tied to the rack. Well, first there was some really hot wrestling as I balanced in my wickedly sexy fuck-me pumps. Tricky, but it turned me on. It was our way of negotiating who got tied up. I lost, but I didn’t mind.

I love it when Harold ties me up. It’s one of my favorite games. I can get untied almost as quickly as he can secure me. It just makes me laugh. It’s really fun to struggle and feel like I can outwit him. I’m not very submissive, I guess.

There’s a very different energy to playing in front of other people. We lose some of the intensity that we have alone together, but there’s this edge to being on display. Strangers are seeing me naked and bound. They can sense the connection that we have to each other. They know that we’re kinky.

But after a while it just didn’t feel right any more. I pay attention to that feeling. We stopped. I got dressed. We danced for a while. But after a bit, that didn’t feel right either.

I finally figured out that what I was missing is that deep intimacy that we have together and the closure of orgasm! Okay. We checked out the back room, but all of the more private places were in use. Hmmm. We decided that private didn’t really matter. We create our own world when we make love anyway.

We put clean sheets on one of the beds and made love in our little bubble until we both climaxed at the same time and collapsed into each other’s arms. As awareness slowly returned, I realized that other couples had filled the beds around us. I know that it’s romanticized, but I like to think that our passion gave them permission to do the same.