My Whole Sex Life

I’m sitting here with ice on my groin, recovering from a bikini wax. It’s my first in years, since back when I was doing burlesque and nude modeling. I think I must have blocked out the experience and simply remembered the results.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t horrible, just more grueling than I expected. My waxing professional today was from Russia. She didn’t have any body modesty issues at all. I like to think that I am fairly open-minded and comfortable in my body, but even I was unprepared for her to spread my legs and yank the paper underwear up between my labia. I had a few moments where my sex abuse stuff flared up and then I was fine again. Meanwhile, we’re chatting about my 5 children as she smears warm wax in delicate places. I gamely keep up my end of the conversation between gasps of pain when she rips off wax and pubic hair.

Then I mention my job…

“You make a website about sex for women?” she says.

Well, yes, something that will appeal to women as well as men.

“How do you know about such things if you are married?”

Uh-oh. Is this a language barrier thing? Or does she think I’m too busy to have sex?

“Yes, I’m married,” I cautiously agree.

“So your website is not for lesbians?” she asks.

What?!? Oh…

I try to explain, “The site is for all people, I just want to create a website about sex that is different than most of the stuff out there. We’re making an environment that women will enjoy and be comfortable in.”

She stops and looks at me for a moment, “U-huh. You are heroic! Five kids and a sex website. Heroic!”

I’m not even sure anymore why I thought a bikini wax was a good idea. I’ve been wanting to do it for a while. Maybe because my sex life is so public, with pictures and everything. I like having a clean bikini line. I feel tidy and sexy – my cunt is beautified! But it’s kind of funny because I haven’t shaved my armpits in a year and a half.

My armpits drive my teenage daughters crazy. Joel is somewhat ambivalent. Harold is the one who talked me into growing the hair out – as well as abandoning deodorant. I wouldn’t have hairy smelly armpits if it bothered me. I don’t really care and it makes at least one of my lovers really happy. I guess that’s the point to all of the crazy things we do to our bodies to feel pretty. Do you enjoy it? Does it make you and you lovers happy?

Truthfully, it wasn’t an unusual day. Most of my days go something like this…

After being with someone for 10 years, you tend to think that you know them. And then they say something completely alien. Like Joel this morning, casually confessing that he once owned a love doll. Actually, not just one – two love dolls. One of them even had a reservoir for warm water and a slots for a vibrating egg next to each fuckable opening to make it seem more lifelike (I guess). But he’s NEVER owned a Love Ewe. That was purchased as a gift for a friend.

My date with Harold this afternoon was very good, and not particularly odd, except for masturbating while wearing my two-way. I felt like both a boy and a girl all at the same time. It’s very interesting to grasp my cock while I come. I hadn’t tried that before.

I got Harold and Joel to kiss after dinner. Not with tongue, but still – it makes a grrrl happy to see hot boy-on-boy action!

Then Harold bravely helped me touch up my hair color. Which totally explains why I then dyed his pubic hair Atomic Pink. I mean, why not give it a try? Slathering his nether region with hot pink goop was fun, but ultimately a fail. His pubic hair was too dark to take the color, but his skin took all too well. He now looks like he has a severe and unusual rash. I should mention that Harold was exceedingly happy for me to post this picture. I think it looks clown-like.

Finally, we watched a movie that has to rank in the top ten weirdest movies I’ve ever seen – Romance and Cigarettes. It is certainly about sex, but I can’t even describe how odd it is. Well, it’s a musical. My favorite parts are a trash-mouthed Kate Winslet fucking with great abandon (OMG the things that girl says!), an explicit sex scene played out in shadows against the blinds that involved handstands and cunnilingus, and a dream sequence that has Susan Sarandon having sex with her ex on her husband’s grave, then the ex peeing on the headstone. Despite the fact that the movie ended on kind of a serious down note, there were several places where I really laughed – usually in a kind of shocked disbelief.

So there you go, the odd sex-related things in my otherwise normal day!

Certain things make me feel like a woman. I mean female in a basic, primal kind of way that is sexual in origin but not really about sex. For example, when Joel grabs hold of my hips and squeezes, I tend to arch my back and rub up against him. I’m thinking about him fucking me from behind, knowing that he loves my curves, that he enjoys me as a female being. Or Harold standing behind me as I reach for something in the kitchen, cupping my breasts in his hands. I feel honored and cherished as a woman. I know that he loves all of me, but it pleases me that he wants me in a sexual way, male to female. It feels animal.

I guess it works the other way around too. I like to know that a man is strong enough to protect me. I like men who are taller and stronger than me. And yes, sometimes I just like to struggle. Joel will occasionally take me down and pin me to the floor. Harold and I will often wrestle, trying to hold each other down. I have that same fierce primal sexual reaction – you’re male and I’m female.

But it’s not about being heterosexual. I totally revel in the essential femaleness of woman when I make love with a girlfriend. I love the soft curviness and welcoming warmth of women.

And it can certainly run the other way as well. My experiences of anal sex with Harold have left me with a strong sense of what it feels like to be a boy. I have a strap-on and a two way and there is something about having a cock that feels very different. I’m very proud of my cock. I want to stroke it and have it be admired. I start looking around at couch cushions and things, thinking, “Yeah baby, I could stick my cock in there and fuck that!”

Making love to Harold with my strap-on has been a beautiful and amazing experience. He has known what it feels like to be a girl and I have been so much a boy that I can feel myself come in his/her cunt. It’s very deep, yet simple. We have stayed ourselves, but touched that primal animal place of gender.

I think that gender in this sense doesn’t have anything to do with outward trappings, physical representations, or cultural ideals. Gender comes from deep within, emerging to express connection with others.

We believe in our core values here at WholeSexLife. Which may (or may not) explain what I was doing during my date with Harold yesterday. Sometimes we get a little silly. Let’s just say that I was suddenly struck with an urge to draw on his penis and things just… evolved from there. I have video evidence.

Joel is dismayed that his wife is venturing into furry porn, but it’s not furry! Really! I think. Is it?

It is my first ever video porn. Even though it’s totally me being silly, I’m thinking about video porn seriously in the back of my head somewhere. Probably just past that place where I’m thinking, “Okay little weasel, what’s your motivation? Are you looking for a warm hole to burrow into? You look pretty happy, little fella – been sneaking around? Wanna kiss?”

This morning I sent Harold this text:

I’m feeling evil. Blow off work!
Come to Costco with me. Let’s
go down to the cabin and fuck.

I didn’t really expect that it would work, but guess what? Harold was ahead on his hours this week and had only a few things to finish up. Which meant that I could get another hour and a half of work done, all the while thinking of the sexy things we could do together. Very motivating! So much so that we did sex and then Costco.

It can be hard to ask for what I want, especially around sex where the response matters so much. Today was a good reminder that asking is worth it. I may not get what I want, but it certainly increases my chances!

Last night we all escaped for a date – all of us parents in this collective – me, Joel, Harold, and Melanie. This is a rare occurrence and I had a blast! It’s really lovely to relax and have fun all together. I’m lucky – my two guys and my best friend!

We found an Italian restaurant with a real Italian proprietor who slapped at our hands when we reached for our own napkins and told us what we should order. The food was heavenly at Al Boccalino. What an unexpected treat! My only regret is that we didn’t have enough time for desert.

Then we went on to see Shine: A Burlesque Musical, written by The Wet Spots, Cass King and John Woods, at the Theatre Off-Jackson in Seattle. I am impressed. It was very well done and a lot of fun.

The Wet Spots signed my ass

I love The Wet Spots. I’ve seen them in concert a bunch of times. I’m such a big fan, they’ve signed my ass. I love that they are genuinely positive about and actively in support of sex, funny, entertaining, warm and appropriately emotional, wise, and just generally fabulous. Here is a musical group that actually sings about stuff I care about. And they do it well!

So while I was intrigued by them doing a musical, I was also a little dubious. So many musicals are really bad. So many burlesque shows are predictable and, to tell the truth, boring. Production values for Seattle shows can often be less than desirable. Basically, I had low expectations.

Shine turned out to be everything I’d been hoping to find during the last couple of months. There was lots of gender-fluidity and cross-dressing. There were all kinds of body types. The musical addressed many sexual issues, as well as life issues. And it was actually good, cuz these people are talented

Cass King Shines!

I adored the music, especially “Large and in Charge” for the sheer femme-power and “The Nasty” as an over-the-top explicit love song (I think the lyric was, I’ll fuck you senseless while you fuck me blue).  The final number, “Humping the Dream,” is pretty catchy and I like the line about having glitter from your tits down to your lady bits. Overall the musical performance was right on.

The choreography was also spectacular. There were obviously several classically trained dancers in the cast. The dance moves were varied and timing was perfect. It was visually very appealing. And YAY! for good burlesque numbers. (I liked the muppets.)

A couple of things detracted from my enjoyment. One: the jokes in the first half were a little tired. They were supposed to be, but still. Two: the promotional videos led me to believe that there would be a giant penis at the end. Other than Trojan Original’s gold wrapped package, I didn’t see a giant cock. I wanted a cock worthing coming for. Just sayin’.

Mostly, I’m just so happy to see someone doing some performance art that really says something important about sex. I want sexy art that makes me think, laugh, and feel and really turns me on. I want to grab life with both hands and squeeze out some good times. I want to Shine!

See the trailer here on YouTube: Shine: A Burlesque Musical

How much of sex is purely physical and how much is mental? Does it vary by gender? By the individual?

Evidently there are people who can orgasm just by thinking about it – no physical stimulation necessary. My sister-in-law says that she can come by having intense moments in nature, like feeling close to a tree or matching the rhythms of the ocean waves. I’m totally impressed. This means that sex really is in the mind – and physical stimulation, while pleasurable, is not the core sexual experience.

This concept is relevant to what we’re trying to do for the website. I want to make better porn than what I’ve seen out there. I like sex, but I am appalled by most of the videos I’ve seen. So we’ve been talking to a bunch of people about what makes for good porn. It seems like men who enjoy porn go for sheer quantity of images. Women tend to prefer erotica that lets them create their own images around a fantasy – until it gets to something they can’t imagine as well (penetration close-ups, taboo topics) and then images get them hot.

How do we make videos that really get inside of the mind? How do we let people create their own fantasy around our images? How do we create something really hot?

I think about sex a lot, especially since it’s now my job. Thinking about sex keeps me in a place of semi-arousal and interested in more sex. It’s a nice feedback loop! Maybe really good porn makes people keep thinking about sex long after they see it.

I’ve been reading supernatural romance short stories, a total guilty pleasure and basically porn for women. They’re simple erotica. I’m struck by how cliche they end up being. There are a few stand outs, but after the 6th story talking about “his towering manhood” and “the pooling wetness between her thighs” I get a little bored. Maybe reading “his member strained to it’s full 5 inches” and “her fingers slick with lube” isn’t as exciting. I guess the fantasy of a perfect fuck is also important to good porn.

What turns people on? It varies so much from person to person. So tell me, how do we get you hot?

Moments after piercing

I got my nipples pierced. Well, re-pierced. I had to remove the piercings while I was pregnant and breastfeeding. But I now I have them again! I’m very happy!!!

I have a love-hate kind of relationship towards my breasts. They’re very large. 36G large. It’s difficult to find clothes that fit, especially anything that buttons down. Bras tend to be ugly and expensive at this size. There is something about being so fleshy that sometimes make me feel really uncomfortable about myself. Sometimes people assume that I’m slutty (will have sex with them) just because of my chest size.

On the other side, I love that my breasts fed each of my children. That’s the coolest thing ever. It’s fun to have amazing cleavage when I want to feel sexy. My nipples are very sensitive in lovemaking and I can often come very close to orgasm just with nipple stimulation. Times like that, I love my sexy breasts and run my fingers across the beautiful round curves.

Having my nipples pierced helps me to see my breasts as beautiful and sexy. I like jewelry, like having my nipples decorated. I even enjoy the dull ache right now, reminding me – I got my nipples pierced!

We’ve had a rare glimpse into someone else’s sex life recently. There is a trailer on our property that came with a renter when we purchased the place 2 years ago. The renter, Jess, died suddenly without any close family and it’s fallen to us to empty the trailer of his things. It’s a very strange process to examine a stranger’s life in such detail. It’s made me realize how vast the difference is, for most people, between what we project of our sexuality and what we hide.

Most interesting (to me anyway), is that Jess was secretly a cross-dresser. He had a whole room full of women’s clothes, wigs, shoes, makeup, and such. We never saw him in anything but jeans and cowboy boots. He didn’t go out at night, rarely had people over. So I imagine he dressed up for himself. There were a few pictures that he’d obviously taken of himself, sometimes while beating off.

It’s impossible to tell what Jess’s sexual orientation was. I think he was into girls. I know he had a son. There was some correspondence that indicated a relationship with a woman at some point. We haven’t viewed any of his video porn yet, but it looks to be the kind of stuff available at high prices in the 80′s and early 90′s. I think it’s pretty straight forward het based on the titles, but surprisingly, that doesn’t mean that he was straight. Maybe Jess identified as female.

We just don’t know! Even with all of his fetishes exposed to us, we still don’t know what went on in his head. So much of sexuality is internal. Even when you watch someone have sex it’s impossible to truly know what they are experiencing. So I end up hoping that Jess’s life (and sex life) were more satisfying than the evidence suggests.

I’ve been feeling kind of sad because of the way he lived. He had so much beautiful cross-dressing stuff! Lots of stuff from Fredericks, oh so many gorgeous high heels, and a whole wardrobe box full of breast forms. We’re donating all of it to Lambert House, an organization in Seattle that helps transgendered youth. But despite the fantasy engendered by the beautiful things, he lived alone in a dark and dingy home.

Rest in peace Jess. I hope wherever you are there are lots of pretty dresses…

In order to further our understanding of the greater sex-positive community in the Seattle area, Harold and I went on a research expedition to a lifestyle party put on by Eros Events last night. By lifestyle, I mean the swinger’s lifestyle – partner swapping! I went into the experience with some trepidation and a handful of assumptions, but I ended up having a good time.

Sybian

I’ll examine my biases in a moment, but first let me just say that it was a good date. Sort of like going to a fun party, but with more sex. There was a potluck dinner, lots of non-alcoholic beverages, friendly and interesting people to talk to, a dance floor and a DJ, a hot tub, a swimming pool, lots of naked or lingerie clad people, a massage therapist, and a Sybian machine. The Sybian is a super vibrator/fucking machine that the women at the event reviewed quite favorably. Of course, I had to try it for myself! While it wasn’t the best orgasm I’ve ever had, it was mechanically intense and I did get a round of applause from the 30 or so people watching. Like I said, it was a good date!

I expected that everyone there would be image conscious, middle class, middle aged, married yuppie suburbanites who were unhappy in their relationships and controlling of their partners. I’m not sure where those assumptions came from, but I’m happy to say that I was wrong. While I don’t think that I am likely to attend their events regularly, I think that some of our values and ideas overlap…

It is important for me to feel comfortable and safe in a sexual context. This was a very comfortable and welcoming environment. I was nervous about being there, but I really quickly relaxed and felt at home. People were friendly, which is good because I’m not always the best at striking up a conversation. We got a tour before things really got started and they held an orientation for new folks.

The pool room

I like diversity and Eros certainly had that! I was surprised to see people of all ages and races, shapes and sizes. I was at that place where everyone looks beautiful and sexy to me, but truthfully, there were many people there that I wouldn’t look twice at on the street. And not everyone there was married. I understand that there are usually a few single women attending, but Eros was hosting a singles night so there were quite a few single people.

I’m polyamorous – I am in love with and live part time with, two men, with full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. For most of my adult life I have managed multiple relationships at the same time. I value being able to maintain my relationships and still have sex with someone new. Several of the people that I talked to share that value, only for swingers, sex stays sex – not a relationship. I overheard several relationship discussions where one person was negotiating with their partner around sexual interactions with someone else. Every relationship has it’s own agreements.

I love feeling sexy and at home in my body. I don’t want to feel like I am being judged on my appearances. One of the biggest shocks for me was how body UNconscious this group of people are. There were people walking around in street clothes, dressed up, in lingerie, in robes, or fully naked. All states of dress or undress were given appreciation. I am currently 30 pounds overweight, but I had many people mention to me in passing that I looked hot in my lingerie. That goes a long way. Seriously, I didn’t see any posing or sucking it in. Just people being themselves and sexy.

The playpen

I enjoy having sex with my partners. I’m not really in a place right now to have sex with anyone else. While I did get chatted up a couple of times (a plus for my ego!), I felt zero pressure to have sex with anyone. I was surprised to see that many people did have sex with their partner at this event. Sometimes with a third person added, but very little actual partner swapping. I did choose to have sex with Harold rather publicly and that was totally okay.

I think sex is wonderful and sacred. Swingers do too, but here is where I feel like there is some difference in philosophy. I think Harold put it best: I don’t have sex to get off, I can do that by jerking off. I have sex to feel deeply connected to another person. My perception of the lifestyle, based on my limited contact, is that the focus is on sex as an activity rather than a means to intimacy. While that might be a fabulous place to live out some fantasies, I’ll take the deep connection any time.