Certain things make me feel like a woman. I mean female in a basic, primal kind of way that is sexual in origin but not really about sex. For example, when Joel grabs hold of my hips and squeezes, I tend to arch my back and rub up against him. I’m thinking about him fucking me from behind, knowing that he loves my curves, that he enjoys me as a female being. Or Harold standing behind me as I reach for something in the kitchen, cupping my breasts in his hands. I feel honored and cherished as a woman. I know that he loves all of me, but it pleases me that he wants me in a sexual way, male to female. It feels animal.
I guess it works the other way around too. I like to know that a man is strong enough to protect me. I like men who are taller and stronger than me. And yes, sometimes I just like to struggle. Joel will occasionally take me down and pin me to the floor. Harold and I will often wrestle, trying to hold each other down. I have that same fierce primal sexual reaction – you’re male and I’m female.
But it’s not about being heterosexual. I totally revel in the essential femaleness of woman when I make love with a girlfriend. I love the soft curviness and welcoming warmth of women.
And it can certainly run the other way as well. My experiences of anal sex with Harold have left me with a strong sense of what it feels like to be a boy. I have a strap-on and a two way and there is something about having a cock that feels very different. I’m very proud of my cock. I want to stroke it and have it be admired. I start looking around at couch cushions and things, thinking, “Yeah baby, I could stick my cock in there and fuck that!”
Making love to Harold with my strap-on has been a beautiful and amazing experience. He has known what it feels like to be a girl and I have been so much a boy that I can feel myself come in his/her cunt. It’s very deep, yet simple. We have stayed ourselves, but touched that primal animal place of gender.
I think that gender in this sense doesn’t have anything to do with outward trappings, physical representations, or cultural ideals. Gender comes from deep within, emerging to express connection with others.