Jul 012010

Feeling anxious

I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. I’m under a lot of stress, but I tend to live with a lot of stress all of the time (I like complicated)… No, I think it has more to do with working through sex abuse issues, which engenders feelings of fear, sadness, guilt, shame, and anger. Messy, difficult emotions that make it hard to feel anything else.

It’s really true that fear is the opposite of love.

I’ve been thinking about that since I woke up this morning. This is going to sound kind of woo-woo, but I think of it in terms of energy. Fear can create a vacuum of need, a kind of energy-sucking vortex that’s impossible to fill, but longs for love and/or connection with others. But being afraid also creates a barrier between you and other people. Sometimes fear comes out as anger, actively pushing other people away. So basically, fear is both a hole where love should be and a wall keeping people out.

I notice it in myself – anxiety takes over and I can’t feel the connection I have with Joel or Harold any more. I need to actually make physical contact to reassure myself. I’m working hard to be aware of all of the fear in my life. I still feel it, but I want to avoid the pitfalls that so many people inadvertently fall into. I can’t stand to let myself be stuck in this place.

Fear inhibits my sex life as well. How can I relax my guard when the world feels dangerous? How can I feel the flow of erotic energy when I feel alone and trapped? From there it’s easy for feel frustrated or angry. Why isn’t this working? It’s easy to put the blame on someone else. Why aren’t you giving me what I need? All of a sudden I can see how relationships go wrong.

Luckily, I have found that the reverse is also true – love opposes fear. If I can let myself feel love, let there be a strong connection between myself and others, the love can flow through me and wash away the fear. That’s risky. I have to trust someone else – and myself. It’s a delicate balance most days, but so worthwhile! It’s taken my sex life from a place of trying to drown out fear with physical connection to opening up a whole world of emotional connection, real love, pleasure, and sometimes even safety.

  • http://foxipher.livejournal.com/ Foxipher Jones

    I have the hardest time with this, but it is exactly the monster I’ve been fighting for the last few months.

  • Evoë Thorne

    I’ve been actively working through this fear & anxiety space and I’m just now starting to feel a difference in my ability to easily feel close to my partners and other people. It’s so important to me to be able to feel really intimate, so I’ve chosen to push through the difficult spots. I think it will always come up from time to time, but now I can recognize when I’m doing the push/pull thing.

    How are you doing? Do you have some coping mechanisms that work for you? A support network? This stuff can be so hard. You might also look up information on attachment theory. I’ve found that useful.

    I’m pretty sure the monsters don’t win here!