Aug 312010

cuffYou know it’s a good time when people are hanging from the rafters.

Which basically sums up my weekend. Harold and I got away for a couple of nights. I’m feeling much more relaxed, which is good because I was getting pretty wound up. Nothing relieves my tension more than a few days in bed.

One of the great things about being kinky is that it fosters a sense of creativity. While I was on my back, staring at the ceiling (I may have had a boy between my thighs), I realized it would work great to toss some rope over those rafters, attach some carabiners, put the boy (boi? He was wearing my lingerie at the time) in cuffs, and string him up. He looked beautiful against the tasteful decor. Bondage is so much fun!

We did all kinds of stuff. I adore the way we make love so seamlessly. It’s like we never really stop. Like we float in a river of desire. That warm rush can flow from oral sex to an hour of talking and kissing, to nipple clamps, to showering together, to anal sex, to sleeping all twined together, to talking some more, to 69, to feeding each other fruit, to ball whacking, to intense fucking, to staring into each others eyes, to using the vibrator, to reading aloud to each other, to fisting, to sitting on the porch naked, to making out… until I feel like I breathe love and sweat sex!

Aug 272010

How important is it to orgasm?

In a situation where 10 percent of American women say they have never had an orgasm (and those who do only manage to come 50-70% of the time during lovemaking with a partner) and over 20 million men in the US suffer from some kind of erectile dysfunction, an orgasm is not a sure thing. So I’m wondering, does it matter if you come or not? What about your partner?

The very first time Joel and I had sex we discussed this very topic. Neither of us had experienced easy orgasms with our partners before. We didn’t expect that we would share orgasms together, but it didn’t matter in the slightest. We both desired each other intensely and desperately wanted to share the intimacy of sex whether or not we came.

As it turns out, we made love for hours, all over the house, and I had several orgasms and he did not not come at all that day. But he came several times a day the next few opportunities we had! It was surprising to us that, after we agreed orgasms were not the point of making love, we experienced earth-shaking, mind-blowing pleasure. Over the years we’ve found that we don’t both always come, and that’s okay. The important part is that we feel love and bliss together.

Over time I’ve come to expect to orgasm during sex. I tend to have an easier time of it than most women, from what I’ve heard. I can easily orgasm in a couple minutes with clitoral stimulation and I’m one of the 10% of women that regularly comes with penetrative sex. But I have a difficult time if I try to come. I need to just float on the waves of pleasure and eventually it builds to a peak. Sometimes it doesn’t peak. Sometimes I can’t even find the waves. Sometimes I try to stretch it out as long as possible before I climax.

I think I would be pissed off if I regularly failed to orgasm with a partner, or if I didn’t experience pleasure during the encounter. Otherwise, it isn’t very important to me to come. My goals are to relax, to share intimate time with my partner(s), and to feel really good in my body. (But I’m totally open to coming, don’t get me wrong.)

So it’s kind of ironic that it really bothers me if my partner doesn’t have an orgasm. It happens sometimes. Even with really fabulous sex. It just doesn’t feel complete to me. I don’t feel as satisfied. And, to be honest, I feel like an inadequate lover. I want my partner to come! If I’m not careful it can turn into a kind of grim determination to produce an orgasm, which really isn’t fun for anyone.

I’m back to my original question – how important is it to orgasm?

Aug 232010

HawaiiIn two weeks I will be going to Hawaii!

I’m very excited. This will be my first trip to Hawaii. I’m going by myself and staying with my sort-of former girlfriend, Erika for a week. I desperately need some time to myself – time to rest and relax, but I find myself thinking more and more about my dear girl.

I should explain. I’ve always considered myself bisexual, but I’ve only had a few girlfriends. Erika and I dated for about a year, maybe a year and a half, around 5 years ago. We never broke up, we just sort of drifted apart as our lives took us in very different directions. We have stayed friends, maybe even girlfriends, though we don’t have very much contact. And every time we see each other, we are magnetically attracted to each other.

I totally love Erika. She is such an amazing person – she is a published author, a spiritual counselor, healer and mentor. She sings in her church choir. She has been a sex-positive, kink-friendly educator (I learned flogging at one of her workshops)! Erika just feels good to be around.

But when we were dating, I was pretty insecure. I wanted so much to please her. I loved wooing her. I enjoyed our romance, I was just totally nervous about making love to her the right way. I was so sure that Erika had so much more experience than me. She freaked me out by giving me books about fisting. And telling me that my fingernails were way too long to have sex with a girl. I was worried, but I wanted her.

We did work our way through some of this stuff. I will be forever in Erika’s debt for slowly, slowly, slowly opening me up and telling me that my cunt is beautiful, something that no one had ever said before. It’s also Erika’s fault that I starting thinking that, yes, perhaps I would like to come, thank you. Now I tend to expect 3 or 4 orgasms a session, if not more.

Erika in HawaiiI’d like to repay that debt, you know, show my gratitude. I want to show Erika that not only did I read the whole book about fisting, I’ve had some opportunity to perfect my technique in the years since we were together. I know we will be attracted to each other. I’m pretty sure that she’s thinking the same things. She says that I should bring my two-way!

But I’m back to being nervous again. We haven’t been together for a while. I’m heavier than I was. I’ve gone through some major life changes and a ton of therapy. Her life looks very different. If we explore sexually together, does that imply a relationship? Do I want that? Should I just relax and go with what feels right?

I don’t know, but I’m trimming and filing my fingernails.

Aug 202010

WholeSexLifeFinally, everyone is settled and the house is quiet. We turn out the lights and tumble into bed, each of us on our customary side of the bed. But I want comfort. I need to be close.

I ease over to his side, into his arms, skin against skin. I relax, melting into him. I feel his heartbeat steady and strong against my cheek. I let go of the concerns of the day. Everything narrows down to this moment.

I start to feel him – the slight movements of his muscles beneath me, his breath in my hair, his hands brushing across my back and pressing against my ass. We kiss. I feel the essence of all that he is pour through that kiss. We are inside each other and I am filled with need.

I move around on top of him so that we can both explore each other with our mouths. His tongue circles my clit and probes my cunt. My mouth slides up and down his cock. I am lost in the sensations. It is like the kiss, but more so. We are building a circuit of ecstasy and desire.

He says, “Fuck me!” in a hoarse whisper.

I straddle him and slide his cock into me. I sit still for a moment, feeling him fill me. Then I’m moving, rocking back and forth on top of him. It feels exquisite – like a river of golden sunlight through the darkness. I need him more than anything in the world. I grasp his hands, twining my fingers through his. I want to cover his mouth with mine. I just want him!

And then the golden sunlight explodes in waves, filling me, washing over us both. We cry out. We are one, all golden light.

Slowly, we come back to ourselves. Our breath slows. Our mouths find each other in the dark. Ours fingers trace rivulets of sweat on each other. And softly we part…

…to roll back to each side of the bed and slip into sleep.

Aug 172010

WholeSexLifeMy daughter borrowed my car and left her radio station on. If not for that, I would not have learned another phrase for the sex lexicon today: tossing the salad.

It means licking your partner’s asshole. I’m not sure what that has to do with tossing or salad. I’m really trying to imagine how that came up, but I’m failing utterly to see the connection. Maybe I’ll have to try it on Harold to see if he feels salad-like. Or if I feel like tossing?

Anyway, I am happy to hear that popular radio supports anal sex and sex education in general!

Aug 162010
Joel's heart shaped ass

Joel's gorgeous heart-shaped ass!

I’m trying to work, but I keep thinking about my date with Joel last night…

I’m realizing that, for us, making love involves a lot of intimate (but non-sexual) time before we get to a place where everything flows into sexual activity. I haven’t been sensitive to that recently. I keep waiting for Joel to just jump me. We spend half of the week apart, so we need some time to catch up with each other – get back into alignment together – before we can fuck.

Last night we went out to dinner and talked a bunch about all kinds of things. Letting each other know what we’ve been thinking about and working on. Enjoying each other’s company and the good food. Relaxing. Matching pace with each other.

Then we went to the book store. Definitely a guilty pleasure for us both, but also a way of sharing joy together.

Driving home I was feeling nervous. We had talked about the possibility of going down to the cabin. Would he want to have sex with me? I feel close to him, but is he still attracted to me? He’s been working through a bunch of stuff, will he want to take a chance?

Yes! We did go to the cabin. Harold built this cabin. With the candles lit and the windows open to let in a cool breeze, it was a perfect romantic summer evening get-away. We took off our clothes and lay on the bed and talked some more.

Joel needed to talk about stuff and let go of some things that were holding him back. I think that once we were pretty much on the same page, he could access some of the deeper emotions he’s been holding onto for a while. Usually, it’s me that’s all emotional, but I don’t mind the switch. I like being closer to each other.

Then we had this awkward pause. And we both reached out to each other at the same time. Which resulted in me kneeing him in the mouth. Oops. Ouch!

Suddenly, Joel’s lips were brushing my inner thigh. His breath stirred my pubic hair. He gently, softly ran his tongue over my clit. Slowly, the pressure of his tongue got more intense. Gradually, the speed increased, until I was coming, pressing my cunt into Joel’s mouth with each orgasmic wave.

Joel paused for a moment, much to my dismay and confusion. He fished around in my purse and handed me my iPhone. “Play Angry Birds, ” he said, and went back to what he had been doing.

Angry Birds is a strategy game where you try to blow up evil pigs with super powered birds fired from a sling shot. I’m pretty far along in the game, but orgasms totally win. I must have come a bazillion times without ever making a single level.

Joel didn’t even try to level when I went down on him! It just feels too good to have his cock in my mouth. I love the noises that he makes. I get off on the power and pleasure.

And fucking! First with me on top, then with Joel behind me. I really enjoy the feeling of hands on my hips and hard thrusting. Within minutes we were both spiraling into orgasm.

Now, I’m pretty noisy when it comes to sex, but Joel… Well, if we are someplace where we can be as loud as we want (like the cabin), Joel really lets go. He yells, like a battle cry, like years of pent up rage… Oh. Yes, he comes like he is using the release of orgasm to let go of a bunch of stuffed anger and sadness.

I’ve gotten used to it. I can hold him and use the energy of orgasm to heal. We both need it.

Aug 142010

I can’t stop watching this video!!! Yum…

The video seems geared for gay men, but I smile when I watch these boys dance and I think about the wicked things I want to do to them. (Cuz when it comes to dessert this is how I ride!)

I believe that makes it effective porn. But it would be better if they were naked.

Is it hot in here? Anyone want ice cream?

Aug 112010

WholeSexLifeMy life seems perfectly normal to me. I have a job, I take care of my home and my family, I work hard and try to have fun, and I think about sex most of the time. Just like everyone else, right? Then sometimes, I step back and take a look at my life from someone else’s prospective. And I laugh. Because my “normal” life is very different from what we’ve been led to believe is normal.

I’ll give you an example: bits and pieces of yesterday…

Melanie (Harold’s wife – well, other wife – she married him first and it’s legal) stopped by at 7:30 this morning to drop off our daughter before rushing off to catch a ride to work with her boyfriend. Her car needs to visit the shop and the boyfriend is currently staying at Harold and Melanie’s house until he can move into his own place.

At 10:00 Joel and I were driving into town to run errands. Joel was browsing Craigslist personals while I drove, but he made sure to share the choice bits with me. Great headlines like “Got a good sperm count?” and “I JUST WANT TO LICK! IS THAT SO WRONG?” and “Join me for arts and crafts,” (which you would think was simply miscategorized, but he included a picture of his flacid cock). Joel is half-heartedly looking for a girlfriend or a sexual play partner, but I don’t think Craigslist is the way to go.

Around 11:00, still running errands, I looked at my Facebook. Several people I’ve never met are wanting to be friends. As I check them out, one of the guys’ interests catch my eye – emetophilia, polyamory, bisexuality. Now, I know the second two, so what is the first one? I looked it up. Yay! A new word… that means, basically, Roman showers. Being aroused by vomiting or by someone vomiting on you. Now, I’m completely phobic about puking (me or someone else), so it’s hard for me to imagine eroticizing or fetishizing the experience, but I’m totally fascinated. Is he actually serious? I sent him a message asking.

I read some while waiting for Joel. Currently, I’m reading Sex At Dawn: the Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan, Ph.D. & Cacilda Jethá, M.D., a book highly recommended by the poly community. It’s great. I’ve been reading bits out loud to anyone who will listen. Basically, this book is explaining how monogamy is unnatural – a newer construct in the evolutionary scheme of human history, developed around the same time as agriculture. According to this book, humans originally lived in small groups where they shared resources, raised children together, and had lots of fantastically orgasmic group sex. I’m not sure how good their science is, but it makes a whole lot of sense to me. And it’s a highly entertaining read. Yesterday I was reading about Darwin’s sex life!

By 2:00 Joel and I were home again. My new Facebook friend who is into emetophilia had messaged me back. He actually is into vomiting! His mail was very thoughtful and honest, which I totally appreciate. He said, “…it’s fun to do that which society labels taboo or disgusting, like emetophilia.” That’s exactly what I’ve been saying about a variety of things that seem pretty out there. If it gets you off, and you can do it safely, have a good time!

Harold and I spent the afternoon making love. It was the kind of stuff we are usually into – some oral sex 69 style, lots of talking, a bit of CBT, G-spot experimentation, several orgasms, and some straight forward fucking. Followed by some crying and some more talking. Oh, and I peed in the woods, which is a new skill for me. It’s easier if you are naked. I think it’s sort of sexy.

Joel, Harold, and I all made dinner together. It’s a warm and wonderful feeling, all touching each other while we work, stopping for kisses when we cross paths… I love spending time with both of my lovers together, even just doing things around the house.

Later Harold and I watched a movie. It was a fairly recent movie about relationships and dating. I found it kind of depressing and alien. I don’t think I’ve ever lived in that world.

And that was my day! Perfectly normal.

Aug 082010

Gazing out the windowJoel took this picture of me this morning (before we even got out of bed), catching me gazing out of the window. I like the soft focus – that kind of dreamy fuzziness of waking up.

Last night Joel and I were alone in the house for the first time since we moved in two years ago. Harold and Melanie took the children overnight so we could celebrate our anniversary. This is one of the great benefits of being poly.

We’ve been together for 10 years! I know that’s not a really long time, but it feels like an accomplishment. Neither my parents nor Joel’s stayed together for that long. Our first marriages both ended within the first five years. We really are great partners. We’ve made it through a lot of very challenging things over the past 10 years. Celebrating our anniversary feels like we are honoring our strengths and victories. We are totally in love with each other.

We went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, the Mediterranean Kitchen, where we’ve been going for 10 years and we have a history… We’ve spent several Valentine’s days and birthdays there. We met my first clients there when I started my first business. Their food was one of the few things I could keep down when I was pregnant with our son. And it was still fabulous to eat there last night. It is a joy and a sensual pleasure to share conversation and good food.

At home we had a chance to make love without any fear of interruption. Yay for bondage! Yay for screaming orgasms!

Being able to connect sexually has been a bit of a challenge lately, for a variety of reasons – mainly Joel’s father dying and me working through childhood sexual abuse. We’re actually connecting very well with intimate affection, but sometimes, a girl just wants to fuck. Last night was one of those times!

I think it worked very well. Except when Joel suddenly stops in the middle of really fulfilling fucking and starts rummaging around for something. What? A sharpie. He finds one over the desk in the living room. Comes back. Writes something across my ass. Goes back to fucking. What does it say across my backside?