Aug 232010

HawaiiIn two weeks I will be going to Hawaii!

I’m very excited. This will be my first trip to Hawaii. I’m going by myself and staying with my sort-of former girlfriend, Erika for a week. I desperately need some time to myself – time to rest and relax, but I find myself thinking more and more about my dear girl.

I should explain. I’ve always considered myself bisexual, but I’ve only had a few girlfriends. Erika and I dated for about a year, maybe a year and a half, around 5 years ago. We never broke up, we just sort of drifted apart as our lives took us in very different directions. We have stayed friends, maybe even girlfriends, though we don’t have very much contact. And every time we see each other, we are magnetically attracted to each other.

I totally love Erika. She is such an amazing person – she is a published author, a spiritual counselor, healer and mentor. She sings in her church choir. She has been a sex-positive, kink-friendly educator (I learned flogging at one of her workshops)! Erika just feels good to be around.

But when we were dating, I was pretty insecure. I wanted so much to please her. I loved wooing her. I enjoyed our romance, I was just totally nervous about making love to her the right way. I was so sure that Erika had so much more experience than me. She freaked me out by giving me books about fisting. And telling me that my fingernails were way too long to have sex with a girl. I was worried, but I wanted her.

We did work our way through some of this stuff. I will be forever in Erika’s debt for slowly, slowly, slowly opening me up and telling me that my cunt is beautiful, something that no one had ever said before. It’s also Erika’s fault that I starting thinking that, yes, perhaps I would like to come, thank you. Now I tend to expect 3 or 4 orgasms a session, if not more.

Erika in HawaiiI’d like to repay that debt, you know, show my gratitude. I want to show Erika that not only did I read the whole book about fisting, I’ve had some opportunity to perfect my technique in the years since we were together. I know we will be attracted to each other. I’m pretty sure that she’s thinking the same things. She says that I should bring my two-way!

But I’m back to being nervous again. We haven’t been together for a while. I’m heavier than I was. I’ve gone through some major life changes and a ton of therapy. Her life looks very different. If we explore sexually together, does that imply a relationship? Do I want that? Should I just relax and go with what feels right?

I don’t know, but I’m trimming and filing my fingernails.