Oct 252010

pre-cumI admit it – I’m fascinated by pre-cum. That small sparkling gem at the very tip of a hard penis is so cheerful, so full of promise. It tells me that all systems are functioning. That whatever I’m doing is working.

I enjoy coaxing that liquid bliss through my lover’s cock to the surface.  I like to lick up that glistening drop of pre-cum from his tip. I like to run my index finger in tiny circles through that bead of lubrication and all around the head of his cock.

Seeing pre-cum just makes me happy. It tends to lead to some very good things!

Oct 192010

I’m feeling inspired by sperm today. What an amazing bunch of little guys! Every day, somewhere near you, a multitude of brave and eager sperm journey forth on a trip fraught with many dangers. They overcome obstacles and face heavy mortality in the ranks so that the human race itself may continue on. Sperm really are great role models.  I’m in awe.

Let me paint a picture of a sperm’s existence. Sperm are basically clones. Boys are born with what is essentially a sperm template and all sperm are copied from that template. The sperm cells take 65-74 days to develop – kinda like aging wine. Amazingly, an adult male manufactures over 100 million sperm cells each day. Does that wear you out?

So, you’re a sperm and you’ve been hanging out. All of a sudden, something is starting to happen. It’s your turn! You take a nice bath in those juicy seminal fluids and BAM, you are good to go. You are energized and activated. You are live, baby! You and a few hundred million of your closest buddies are jet propelled out of the penis.

You are lucky enough to make it into the vagina! Those less fortunate friends who hit the open air will die almost immediately. But your journey is just beginning. You feel a strong compulsion to move toward your goal. Sperm can travel about 8 inches in an hour by wagging their tail about 16,000 times. You swim as fast as you can, letting the motion of your brothers and the contractions of the female reproductive tract help you along. In fact, there is no going back. Sperm are not designed to move backwards. Only about the 1,000 strongest sperm reach the cervix. The rest perish in the acidic fluids designed to clean the vagina.

The next hurdle is the cervix. Most of the time the cervix is blocked by a hard wall of mucus. Today, all systems are go and you slide right through, leaving more of your comrades behind. You swim through the uterus with about 200 other brave souls, feeling the magnetic pull of the egg waiting for you. You know that the odds are against you, but you just know you can do it. It has to be someone, it might as well be you.

If there is not an egg ready and waiting, sperm can stay alive for up to 5 days in the fallopian tubes. But today is your day. You’ve made record time – about 15 minutes – and the egg is yours. You made it. You get to fertilize the egg! World domination is yours!

See, you can’t help but be inspired. Did our little sperm throw up his flagella in despair knowing the odds he faced? No way. He worked as hard as he could until he succeeded. Did he try to annihilate the competition? Nope. He used his competitors strengths to help him reach his goals, knowing that they would fall to the side on their own.  Did our guy try to run away from his destiny? Biologically impossible.

So go out there and change the world! Sure there’s a lot of people out there, but someone’s gonna make it – why shouldn’t it be you?

Oct 172010

Saying no is such a complicated thing, especially when it comes to sex. I want to be nice, make sure that people like me, and bring happiness to the people I love. But I also want to be respected and listen to my inner voice. You know, that voice that tells me when things don’t feel right. I’m still learning how to say no when I hear that voice.

I haven’t always felt entitled to say no. Childhood sexual abuse does that. My first serious boyfriend compounded the issue by not stopping when I asked him to because he was always “almost there.” I was in my early 20’s before I realized that I didn’t have to go along with everyone who expressed interest. I slowly practiced saying no to my partners, learning through experience that they would respect me and stop immediately when requested. I discovered the sex-positive community in Seattle and learned about boundaries and negotiating for what I want. Joel and I attended an amazing workshop taught by Harold and Melanie (long before we were all a family) and several other wonderful people (who are now good friends) where we practiced saying no to some sexual things, while requesting others. For example: no, I don’t feel like having my shoulder touched right now, but I would love for you to blow me.

I’ve heard people talk about a policy of “enduring nothing,” which I think is very good in principle, but more complicated than it sounds. For me, it means being present, paying attention to what’s going on with myself, and not silently putting up with something that feels bad. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes me a while to figure out how I feel. When I have flashbacks or other abuse related issues come up during sex, I consciously acknowledge whatever is coming up, then set it aside to look at later. And I follow up when I’m done enjoying myself. When that doesn’t work, then I stop my partner and explain what’s going on because they tend to be sensitive to my moods anyway.  Physically, if someone is doing something that isn’t working for me, I try to subtly shift my body, or move their hand to where I want it, or suggest a different position. I don’t need to alienate my partner to enjoy myself. Everyone should enjoy sex – especially me.

People handle saying no in such different ways. Some people are willing to give up control to their partner, exchanging the need to think during sex for the comfort of someone else defending their boundaries. It is a way to feel safe, but don’t you want to take responsibility for your own sexuality? Some people approach every sexual encounter as a negotiation consisting of every thing they won’t allow. It’s good to have thought about your boundaries, but tell me what you are okay with. What do you want? I’ve gone in both directions and my path lies somewhere in the middle.

I’ve had opportunities to think about my boundaries in social situations lately. I’m used to being sparkly and flirty. I get a lot of attention for being sexual. I am a very sexual person and open and caring. I’m generally okay with a certain level of groping and making out with friends because it feels good. Recently, I’m less comfortable with interacting casually on a sexual level. I’m listening to that feeling, figuring it out, and deciding how I want to deal with that. I don’t have any issue with people thinking I’m hot or showing me love – I just want to make sure that it feels hot and loving or I stop it from happening.

The biggest thing is that I feel entitled to say no. Anytime I want. Any way that works for me. Do I have to have a reason?


Oct 142010

I don’t really like pain. No, that’s not exactly true. I don’t like straight on, over the top, pain without a purpose. I didn’t mind the discomfort of giving birth to my children. I kinda like the pain of pushing myself when I work out. I just have a hard time with overwhelming pain during sex. It doesn’t turn me on – it just makes me mad.

In my sex life, I want pain to be a single hue in a palate of colors. A hint of spicy in a delicately flavored dish. The poignant moment that makes the joke funnier. A single tool in a bag of tricks designed to make my experience intense, sexy, and intimate.

I love sensation play. I like things a little rough. I enjoy being flogged. I like increasing levels of pain as long as my libido is keeping pace. For example, if you pinch my nipples hard while I’m on the verge of orgasm, I’m likely to come like crazy. If you walk up to me while I’m cooking dinner and give me a vicious tittie twist, I’m going to scream and kick your ass. It’s important to meet me where I’m at.

I think that part of it is that I tend to feel very vulnerable and open during sex. I want every part of my sexual experiences to be a dialogue between all the people involved. I want my experience to be reflected by my partners. If you hurt me, I want you to be right there looking in my eyes. I want to see your arousal because it turns me on too. It gives my pain purpose.

Oct 102010

Joel and I had a good weekend, but it wasn’t the sex-fest I had hoped for. My plans were foiled by jock itch. Major bummer. Poor Joel has a really bad case of fungus in the groin area, probably brought on by the pants he is required to wear for work and warm temperatures. He’s been using anti-fungal cream, but it still hurts to walk. Not exactly the thing to turn us both on.

Fungus can be a big problem. I used to get frequent yeast infections. I’m sensitive to everything – antibiotics, hot tubs, bubble bath, condoms, and lube will all disrupt my delicate ph balance. I’ve managed to find some things that help. I only wear cotton underwear to ensure good airflow, but at least now there are some sexy options. If I do get a yeast flare-up, I microwave my underwear. I buy non-lubricated condoms and I’m very careful about the lube I choose. I take probiotic supplements to encourage the growth of good flora. And I use boric acid capsules vaginally to restore the proper ph balance if I feel off.

It’s important to take care of fungus and not spread it around the family. Hand washing is vital. We don’t want to pass a fungal infection to the baby. Or transmit from Joel to me to Harold to Melanie. So, I didn’t have sex this weekend (Damn, sex fiend foiled by epic fungus!), but I did spend time being in love with my beautiful husband.

Oct 082010

sex toysI’m packing for an overnight get-away with Joel. I’m really looking forward to spending some alone time with him. We don’t often get the chance to go away over night, so I’m hoping we do some fun sexy stuff. My tool box is packed mostly for CBT with Harold and between Joel and me, he’s the top. So, what to pack…

The lube and a vibrator for sure! Clothes pins and Wartenberg wheel are good for sensation play. Bondage is likely to be on the menu so we need the lightweight rope, carabiners, and the special bondage rope I made up for Valentine’s Day. Hmmm… do I pack the bondage cuffs that Joel made or the ones that Harold bought that I keep in my tool box? Such are the politics of kinky polyamorous relationships. I think I want the ones from my box because they fit better. Flogger? Why not.

Do I want lingerie? Um, no. As much as I love to dress up, I want this to be about us being ourselves together. I’m looking forward to relaxing, having fun, and enjoying Joel’s company. We may not even have sex. Maybe what we need is to snuggle up in bed with a movie. But I hope we have some hot kinky sex. And if we do – well, my bag is packed.

Oct 032010

I’ve got Harold’s arms cuffed to chains hanging from the ceiling. His legs are spread, balls tied to a bolt in the floor. I can’t resist bending to put my mouth around his rock hard cock. He gasps and tells me to hurt him. I offer him his choice of ball whacking implements. I start gently and work up to blows that make his knees give out. Can he take more? I think so. I look in his eyes and drink in his fear, his pain, his surrender, his need, his absolute love, as I hit him again, harder. Harold recovers, grits his teeth, looks me in eyes, and says, “Again.”

This is the way that Harold and I typically make love. It really works for us, but lately I’ve been wondering – who’s on top? Sex is often about power exchanges. Domination and submission, top and bottom, Mistress and slave – all of these terms imply a power differential. Is it possible to have a sexual power exchange between equals?

In a way, what we do is dominance play. We’re like wolves – circling, snapping, growling, pouncing, pushing – neither of us stronger than the other, both of us willing to take a tumble. But we also both have a real need to be taken. I am willing to be laid bare before my lover, to give him all that I am, and I need to know that he is strong enough to take all that. Although we play with bondage and pain, this isn’t about those things. It is about trust and emotion and release and acceptance. And ultimately about control.

I have done my experimenting with traditional D/s relationships. In my early 20’s I was submissive, wanting to be hurt so all of my emotional pain had an outlet. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted and I was willing to be humiliated for the intense sexual release shame provided. By my late 20’s I had a better idea of what I liked: more bondage, less pain, more love, less shame, and way more orgasms. In my 30’s I’ve been more of a top, wanting to play my lovers like a musical instrument, each gasp and moan part of a rich symphony.

When Harold and I were first together we spent a lot of time deferring to each other. (I don’t know, what do you want to do?) Over time we’ve built up a lot of trust and a deep understanding of each other’s bodies. At this point, we really do play each other’s bodies artfully. And we do trust one another enough to give up the whole symphony – every sound, every tear, every orgasm.

This isn’t sex play any more. When I can look in Harold’s eyes know that I hold more than his cock in my hands… When he can bring me to orgasm a few more times than I though possible, screaming until I’m hoarse… When we kiss and my whole body responds and I know that I would do anything to keep kissing this man… I think it’s real, no matter who is on top.