Dec 312010

Evoe excitedHarold and I went to The Grind last night at the CSPC here in Seattle. It’s a combination dance party/kinky play party. All of the things I love rolled into one event! I’m still glowing. It’s amazing how good it can feel to have a really successful topping session. Even though it was physically demanding, I felt more energetic and bouncy afterward and I’m still feeling great.

Part of the fun of going out is the planning and the process. I like figuring out what to wear and thinking about what I’m going to do when I get there. We listened to loud thumpy music on the drive there – the kind of music that you can feel in your body. I like the feel of walking into the club and knowing that everyone there is checking me out. Harold and I looked for people we know and scoped out which space we wanted to play in. We settled on the bondage chair.

Bondage chairThere’s this chair with a bunch of leather straps at the Center that I have been dreaming about for a long time. I have this picture here for reference, but the Center’s chair is way better. I got to know it intimately last night! The legs are spread about as far apart as most people can comfortably sit, which made it perfect for CBT. I strapped Harold in, securing each of the 21 wide, double-pronged buckles. It’s a slow, meditative process, after which he really couldn’t move at all. The only strap I didn’t use was the one over the eyes because I wanted him to see what I was doing.

I tied Harold’s balls up and stretched them out as I secured them to the handy eye-hook on the base of the chair. He was already rock hard. The whole time we played, I talked out loud about what I was considering doing to him. I think it added to the excitement. And the chair was so well designed that I had a lot of ideas. I could essentially sit on Harold’s lap while I paddled his balls. I could brace myself against the arm rests so that I was eye-to-eye with Harold as I kicked him in the balls with my big boots. I could kneel between his legs and suck his cock while I crushed his balls in my hands – and he couldn’t move. I could do things to him that I know he wouldn’t normally be into like cock slapping or zapping his cock with the little devil eletro toy. (I think the capacity for pain is directly proportionate to the degree of arousal.) I could put pinchy little clamps on his nipples. I could kiss and tease and whisper in his ear. And I did all of those things.

Harold in a viceFor the big finish, I used the vice on his balls, tightening the pressure until I could let go and the vice hung by itself. Then I lubed up and started rubbing his cock. I tightened the vice a bit at a time while continuing to jerk him off. I think it was a fairly spectacular orgasm.

It’s an interesting thing to do a scene like that in a public space. I had an awareness of people watching that turned me on, but the real action was what was happening between Harold and I. I’m confident in my skills and the physical part of what we do is important, but (for me) the interesting thing about sex is what goes on in the mind. I was totally in tune with Harold and we built a dynamic between us. I knew when I could push him more and when he needed to give more. Our whole scene was powered by love and while I’m sure that people observing could see that we are into each other, they can’t see the vast internal landscape.

I did have my own turn in the chair. Even though I trust Harold more than any person in the world, and I love to be tied up, it was hard to let myself be fully restrained like that. Especially on a topping high. But it felt incredible once I relaxed into it. The chair was actually comfortable. It was like being held. And I loved straining against it as Harold brought me to a Evoe toppeddouble orgasm with g-spot stimulation and a vibrator or my clit. I did have that brief moment of panic where the pleasure was so intense that it started to become uncomfortable. Harold backed off just in time, but I realized in that moment that I was powerless to stop him. Then he set me free. (Wait… that sounds like topping. Did Harold actually top me?)

We danced and did some socializing after that. I think I did a lot of undignified bouncing. Feeling good does that to me. I just can’t stop thinking about last night. It’s going to fuel my masturbatory fantasies for a while. I’d better build my own bondage chair.

Dec 292010

Evoe wildSometimes I’m sick to death of doing the right thing. Fuck this thin veneer of proper, I need to let go! Forget about manners and polite conversation. Let go of worries, responsibilities, and obligations. Screw all of the “shoulds” and “should nots”. I am not a nice girl. Underneath it all, I’m wild.

My life works because I live my life in integrity. It’s an important part of who I am and I wouldn’t respect myself if I didn’t. I keep my brain engaged at all times – which is great, but really fucking exhausting. Through sex I find a safe way to relax and just exist. It’s somewhat paradoxical because it’s necessary to be incredibly ethical around sex, but if I manage it right, I’m in a position to be animal.

Living like an animal has it’s appeal – eat when hungry, sleep when tired, dance when happy, scream when angry, fuck when horny. I want to be wild in an animal way. Sometimes everything in sex just clicks and I exist in an animal state. But I have to be able to turn my brain off in order to just do whatever feels best in the moment. I have to be present, but not presenting. I have to trust myself and my partner (or partners).

Trust is the big key here. There are, of course, shadow sides to being animal wild. Animals fight or run away when cornered. That isn’t what I want. The state of being I’m after isn’t really about giving anything up. It’s about shifting perceptions and opening up to experience sex in a primal way, just in my body. Not trying to be anything for anybody. Not trying to be nice. Just trusting that I am good enough just as I am. Just trusting.

The animalThe rewards are huge. Everyone needs to be wild from time to time. Savage, fierce, intense, sex can be so healing – especially if you were taught as a child to be nice and keep those wild instincts under wraps. I choose to live in a complex family format with lots of complicated relationships. It takes a certain amount of work to maintain those relationships. Setting aside all of the right things I ought to do and engaging wild sex can give me a very simple human connection that recharges my batteries. And I need to be primal occasionally. Because I am so not nice.

Dec 272010

Bad attitudeI’m still in a post holiday funk. I’m not sure what to do with myself. I need to pick up all of the pieces I let slide last week, but I don’t want to. I just generally feel down and kind of bad about myself. It’s like I used up all of my mojo on Christmas and now I need to let it recharge. Not even the orgasm I gave myself in the shower this morning helped. What should I do to tune up my engine while I’m waiting for the next race?

I thought about getting a bikini wax to cheer myself up – maybe a spiffy heart shape or something. Harold just shuddered, declaring that I am more kinky and hard-core. This from the man who lets me put needles through his balls. Joel just told me that I should come home and be mellow rather than putting myself through more physical and emotional stress right now. Mellow sounded good, but I still believe I need a good waxing for the new year.

Then, in the middle of feeling blue this afternoon, I caught myself thinking that what I really needed was a new relationship. Yikes! As if my life wasn’t already complex enough. As though I have any time for a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It’s just this selfish desire for someone new to bolster my ego. I want the excitement, the heady rush of getting to know someone new in an intimate way. I want to feel loved and attractive and I guess it has to be someone new because I’m not feeling what I have. That can’t be my problem can it? Oh wait. It is my problem that I’m not able to fully participate in the love that surrounds me. Hooking up with someone new would be a great rush, but it wouldn’t fill the emptiness.

I’m somehow simultaneously resentful that I’m not getting more time to myself right now and desperately wanting to feel less alone. I loved having the whole family together for the holidays, but it also gets difficult to be under the same roof with the same group of people for a while. Now it feels lonely not having everyone around me – and I’m sick to death of being surrounded by people. I can’t win. And I seem to make everyone around me feel bad when I’m out of sorts.

What am I going to do? Well, I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight because I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few days. Tomorrow, I have a date with Harold and I’m going to let myself be held while I have a good cry and release some of the stuff I’ve been carrying around. Wednesday, if I’m still feeling bad I’m going to do something nice for myself while the nanny is here – a massage, or the spa, or yes, a bikini wax. Even a long peaceful soak in the bathtub and some online lingerie shopping would do the trick. You can’t keep a good girl down for long. And I am very, very good…

Dec 272010

Evoe behind rebarWe’re home from our grand holiday poly family vacation! I know that this was the best Christmas ever for me, but I’m having a hard time feeling it right now. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed by all of the various stimuli. I feel cold and shivery and I just want to be held and soothed. Fuck! What I need is aftercare. We just did this big intense scene, right? Now I need some TLC. It makes sense when I look at it the right way.

So here I am all cozied up in bed, with a warm cup of tea, and my guy snuggled beside me. I’ve put everything away and calmed the chaos. Time for me to try to process some of my experiences on our trip. Time for me and my needs.

Doing bad things with kitchen toolsOne of the most amazing things about this trip is that I actually managed to have sex with both of my partners. I don’t think that’s ever happened on a family vacation before. Harold and I made some time before dinner last night – mostly talking through some of our emotions, but then we had to try some CBT with this weird dicing implement we found in the kitchen. We didn’t have anything to tie off his balls, so we used my pink lace thong. Strangely enough, the CBT led to sex.

And then this morning, Joel got a little forceful in the bathroom and brought me to orgasm between me putting in my contact lenses and my hair gel. I was very happy to return the favor by dropping to my knees in front of him. Again, it was no surprise that these activities led to some fabulous sex.

Looking over my loot, it’s pretty obvious that sex is my only hobby right now. Good thing it’s a broad interest. I have so many great things to try. The electrical toys are exciting. The cock-shaped bakeware will be fun to mess around with. I have a book full of sex puzzles to figure out. And bondage gear! I have giant padded twist ties, a long bungee with carabiner ends, and on our way home we found a whole spool (150 feet!) of red chain for sale in the grocery store for only $25. It makes me happy to plan out what I’m going to do with these things.

Red chainI think the other big thing for me has been feeling our family come together. This was our fourth Christmas together, but our first with everyone. Polyamory can be so complicated and difficult, but I want to acknowledge that all of the work that we’ve put into it  has paid off. We’re never going to be perfect, but as a family, we rock. We really have been building a system where everyone can get their needs met most of the time. It’s one thing to believe it, but it’s mind-blowing to finally get it.

I am a lucky girl, even though I feel trashed. I’m going to keep taking good care of myself by going to sleep now. Even with the best, most drawn out scenes – no, especially with the best, most drawn out scenes – I need some aftercare until I feel like I’m a part of the world again. I’m going to give myself that care until I feel better!

Dec 252010

I am such a lucky grrrl. This is such a perfect Christmas. Melanie found this great rental house in Eastern Washington and 12 of us are staying here. There’s about 2 feet of snow and more coming down. The hills surround the valley and a river runs past the house. I’m sitting here by the fireplace and the beautiful tree, surrounded by the stocking debris. I’m drinking a mug of hot buttered rum – which is scandalous before noon! Earlier I soaked in the indoor custom hot tub. I could learn to like this.

holiday hot tub

This is my family – Harold & Melanie, Joel and me, Harold’s two sons who are in their twenties, the girlfriend of the younger son, and all of my children, including the baby who belongs to all of us. It makes me unreasonably happy to have us all together for the holidays. I get all fierce and protective of my family like any momma. Everyone has been wonderful.

Evoe in the snowIt was a lot of work to coordinate Santa for 12, not to mention the food, but it’s been so worth it. Seeing everyone’s stockings stuffed to overflowing was impressive. I love watching people’s faces as they open their little gifts. I think I’m still coasting on that high, even though the little children are erupting from too much excitement and sugar.

Santa seemed to have a decidedly kinky bent this year. There were nice anal beads, a gladiator-like cock restraining device, a ball chain flogger, and belled nipple clamps. I hit the jackpot, however, with my loot. I got a couple humorous books on sexual positions, cock-shaped cookie cutters and muffin tins, the sexiest red and black leather briefcase, the Little Devil electrical toy that I really wanted, and the biggest surprise – my very own TENS unit! I must have been naughty in all the right ways. I can’t wait to try it out.

Snow in the pussyI might try to sneak away with Harold later. Not only is there the new equipment to experiment with, but there are several unusual kitchen implements here I’d like to try out on Harold’s balls. I can always play outside until I find my moment. We’re having a ton of fun. There’s been sledding and the sculpting of a variety of creative snow beings. I’ve done a few erotic photo shoots – both as a photographer and as a model. Harold even got me to sit naked in the snow. I’ve never had snow in my pussy before. Yikes!

I’ve been working hard to let go of all of my hang-ups about having a perfect Christmas and strangely enough, not feeling resentful about everything really improves the experience. But I am also blessed with a really amazing family. Thinking about it makes me cry. and it’s not just the rum talking.

Dec 232010

Sex on wheelsI’ve always known that Costco was kinky. But today I saw something that made my jaw drop. I am full of want. I think that it was being marketed as a massive tool chest, but I know differently. It’s made for sex. Kinky sex.

It’s like five feet long. I could spread a person across that nice smooth wood surface and secure their hands (or head!) and feet to those handy shiny metal rods on either end. It’s so perfect! And then their are those drawers – 12 drawers of varying shapes and sizes, perfect for holding all of my sex toys. Even my spreader bars would fit in there! And my floggers. And my riding crop. And ropes, and paddles, and vibrators, and all kinds of stuff! Everything would fit in one place – including the person I want to torture.

Tool chest of desireAnd it has safety features. Kids can’t get into the drawers because they lock! Also, it’s on wheels, just in case you need to move around some. Easy! It’s probably great for photo shoots. I just get all excited and wet thinking about the possibilities. Everything at my fingertips like that…

Costco has all kinds of contraptions for sale. Weird things that will suspend a person upside down. The say that it’s for exercise, but I think we all know what that means. Well I say, go Costco and continue to be as kinky as you are. I continue to be inspired even when I think that I have everything I need. I just wish it wasn’t $500. And that I had a place to put it! It’s up near the top of my list for when I get my new office/photography studio. That would be hot!

Dec 222010

Holiday lightsI think the holidays are finally getting to me. I’m at that breaking point where I realize how much there is still to do, and how little time. Monday night Joel and I and Harold and Melanie all went to the movies together, which was fabulous. I love when we can all go out together! But after that things kinda fell apart.

Joel and I got in a fight. Several of the children started vomiting. (I’m totally phobic about vomiting!) We had a diabetic emergency with our teen-ager that very nearly required a trip to the ER. We had people to pick up from the airport at two different times. The kitchen facet broke. I have a mountain of laundry to do. Oh, and there was cat shit in the washer. Yeah, that’s about it.

I look forward to my dates with Harold every week because they are my escape from the stressors of everyday life. We go down to the cabin and it’s like entering a different dimension. Yes, we usually have sex while we’re there, but it’s because I trust that Joel has everything handled at home and I can just relax and let go. It’s not always easy for me to let go. I’ve especially been looking forward to this date because Harold was going to teach me about fire play.

Evoe's ass by firelightUnfortunately, with everything going on and trying to put together Christmas in the mountains for 12 people, we didn’t think the date would happen. Although Harold and I are both likely to sacrifice ourselves for the greater good, the date is considered sacrosanct. Without the date, Momma is not happy, and if Momma’s not happy – nobody is happy. So it was with chaos reigning fire down upon my house, that I realized I was not going to get my date – and if ever there was a time I needed that date… Well damn. And I put sexy underwear on this morning too!

Then, a miracle happened and the diabetic emergency got resolved and no one was in the middle of throwing up and Joel told me to just get away for a few hours. Wow! After reassuring myself that everyone would really be okay, I went for it. Harold and I went down to the cabin and talked while we waited for the fire to warm up the room. This is also part of the letting go process.

At some point Harold asked if he should take a Viagra. This is a complicated question. The pills cost $18 each and I didn’t feel like sex at that moment, but if there is any chance of fucking, then a Viagra couldn’t hurt, right? Then again, we have sex most of the time. But I don’t want to feel obligated. We talked through all of that and decided yes.

The funny thing is, somehow we just fall together. If we can each release our tensions and just be together, the sex follows. It was very simple this time, no sex toys, no role-play – just us opening our hearts to each other and letting our bodies follow. It was exactly what I needed, raw and intense and pure. All that sweetness of joining together temporarily held the stress at bay. I had a few precious moments of peace. I think the two amazing orgasms had something to do with it.

Harold wrapping a wand for fire playAfterwards, Harold did show me some fire play. I can see the application as part of sensation play or topping someone, but I was somewhat disappointed. It did not thrill me. I might try to set up a fire play photo shoot at some point, but it would be challenging. Still, the scientist in me is always excited to learn something new. Yay!

In the end, today has been better than I would have expected. I did get my date with Harold. I finished sewing the 10 stockings. We made a ton of lists. The children are all still alive. And I do have two men who love me so much that they will clean vomit out of the weirdest places and cat shit out of the washing machine. I think I need another orgasm.

Dec 202010

NNGF SantaOur group has a long tradition of holding a holiday gift exchange, presided over by Santa, as embodied by Harold. At first it was Naked Santa that passed out gifts with an uncanny ability to divine who needed each gift. And he was as sexy as he was wise. Then the group grew to include children and Santa became Nearly Naked. That is to say, Harold stripped down to his white Land’s End boxers while wearing the Santa hat. And he added a tarty scarf.

This year I hoped to respect the children’s comfort levels in regard to nudity and get Santa into something more festive than boxers. We settled on a cute red plaid skirt with matching scarf. Harold wore sheer black panties with ruffles underneath, just in case – I think his balls hang down lower than the skirt. He was leaning towards fishnets as well but I steered him away from that! We have to keep Santa classy.

Kissing SantaThus Nearly Naked, Gender-Fluid Santa was born. I think it worked because the skirt didn’t look too girlie. It looked more gender-fluid. It was short enough that Harold could wear it under his jeans. He performed a fabulous strip tease  while his frenzied fans chanted and cheered. And gifts were passed around to all with much posing and preening. Santa is a bit of a show-off but he rocks his job!

Lucky me, I got to make out with Nearly Naked Gender-Fluid Santa by the Christmas tree, while carols played and the fire crackled. And I counted my blessings, because they are many. I’m pretty sure my kids were singing “I saw Momma kissing Nearly Naked Gender-Fluid Santa…” It’s a new era.