Long ago, when I was falling in love with Joel, a close friend threw up her hands and exclaimed in exasperation, “You’re not in love! You just have compatible neuroses.” It’s still the best definition of a relationship I’ve ever heard.
Sharing compatible neuroses is also a pretty good explanation for how D/s, or Dominance and submission, works. At least it makes sense in the way that Harold and I make love. We both feel a need to give ourselves to each other and to be fully accepted by the other. D/s can be complicated, but we don’t think about it much when we play, we just do what feels right.
Dominance play is also like poetry. Every act in D/s interaction is like a rhyming couplet that conjures up emotion more powerful than the words alone. This poem written in pain, pleasure, or perversion expresses concepts that can otherwise be difficult for us to access – often very deep, primal, animalistic feelings. Without the language and form of poetry, we might not be able to have those thoughts at all.
Let’s see if I can explain. I’ll use yesterday as an example. I just got new bondage rope and bondage tape. Such things must be experimented with. As soon as possible! And we were both in a place where we needed to feel close to each other. So we naturally did what works for us – CBT. Even though we do some pretty extreme things while we play, it’s our emotions and connection to each other that are important to us.
Now I’ll tell you the actions that we took physically, followed by the emotional subtext, or what meaning I read into the actions…
We kissed while I lightly squeezed his balls. We love each other. I’m going to take you, but I’ll please you. I want you.
Harold lay back on the bed and spread his legs. He’s giving himself to me. He’s letting me know that I can hurt him and he will take that. I can do what I want to him. He will still love me even if I’m not a nice girl.
I picked up the mallet and grabbed hold of his balls. Our eyes met. I see you – the real you that you keep hidden. I can tell that you see me too. I am ready to help you atone for the wrongs you feel you have done and you are ready to take my pain.
I hit Harold’s balls lightly, then harder, then hard enough that he curled up. He looked at me with intense focus. He may have growled. He adores me. He wants all of me. He actually likes that I’m a total bitch! He’s powerful and I control his reactions right now. I love him! I love that he takes the pain I give him and turns it into something beautiful. I want him. I want him to fill me. I want to fill him.
I wrapped rope around each wrist, forming cuffs with attachment points. Harold’s erection went rock hard and stood at attention. Oooh! He really likes me claiming him. He’s completely mine. I want EVERYTHING. I’ll take good care of you, I promise.
We stood up and I chained Harold to the ceiling by his wrists. I pressed my body against his, looking in his eyes and breathing his breath. I hold you safe. I love you. You have me too. I am open to you. I am yours.
I wrapped more rope around his body, his balls, and his cock. I think you are beautiful. I love your cock and balls. I love that I can give you pleasure. I am preparing your body to be hurt because I love you. You must really believe in me to trust me so much.
Harold stood with his legs spread while I kicked him in the balls. After about the sixth blow, he sagged from his wrists. He gasped and again met my eyes. I went and held him up. I will always take care of you. I give you pain so I can take it away again. You are so amazingly sexy when you are vulnerable. I want you so much. You value me. How is this possible? How do you see right into me? I OWN YOU. You are so dirty, so bad! I know you want me and you will have to wait. I’m not done torturing you yet. You love it.
I got out a six-inch needle and knelt in front of Harold. His cock waved in front of my face and I had to stick it in my mouth and suck. I gripped his balls in my left hand and very slowly pushed the needle through both testicles. He watched me do it. I feel so powerful. I just pierced your balls with a big fucking needle. That’s amazing. It’s gorgeous. It’s so dangerous. I’m fucking badass! You love me so much. I want to kiss you. I want to draw your soul into my body. I take you Darling. I take all of your pain. All of your desire. All of you. Look at you – you have a needle through your balls. You’re a wicked boy. I can’t believe how much I love you. I feel so connected to you.
I ran my fingernails over Harold’s scrotum and across the head of his cock, knowing that everything was quite sensitive. Then I put his cock back into my mouth while I slowly drew the needle back out. Your pleasure is mine, your pain is mine. Pleasure and pain are the same. I hold you in my hands and in my heart. All that I am is yours. And you are mine, mine, mine. I’ll take care of you. And I’ll give you release.
I untied Harold’s wrists and we fell onto the bed together in a tangle of limbs. I climbed onto his cock and we moved until all thought was gone and we climaxed together, shouting, crying, and blissful. We love each other so much. We see right into each other. We are equals. We are partners. How are we so lucky? I need you. You need me. We take care of each other. This is joy. This is what we want.
It’s pretty amazing to feel so totally accepted by another person. This concept would be difficult for Harold and me to express to each other in any other way. Luckily we can create this kind of poetry together, using the language of D/s to tell each other the phase we have engraved in our rings, “All of you.”