I was in that beautiful drifty place. Harold had his face between my legs and for once he had me in collar. We’ve been working up to him topping me, something we both want but don’t feel entirely comfortable with. We had talked about it a few days ago and now everything was flowing. But even in that space of just feeling the moment I started thinking.
I suddenly realized how my sexual abuse experiences played into my early desire to be submissive. Not being in control felt safer and familiar. In a Dominance/submission (D/s) relationship I could feel really loved because I could take the pain, take the humiliation, take feeling turned on almost against my will – and then feel cherished and valued because I could do that for my Master. I would be rewarded for giving myself by feeling beautiful and important for a few moments. Just like my childhood experiences. For some reason my mind hadn’t put that together before.
From there I went straight into memories of the abuse. A flashback. Not as bad as some I’ve had – I managed to stay present in my body, but my mind was still careening around these memories as though it was happening now. Like a really vivid bad dream. So I made myself wake up. Harold was still giving me head. I asked him to stop for a moment and he knew right away that something was up.
Harold made me sit up and come back to the present. We talk through everything that had been going on in my head. It feels good to get it out in the open. Some of these thoughts are difficult, complicated, and embarrassing, but less so if I talk about them. I feel so sad and angry – like there is a deep well of those emotions that make up my core, but every time I talk about it, cry, let it go, I feel better. Having my amazing support network makes sure that I rarely get sucked into the lonely, scary, empty place. And over time that place gets smaller. I’m fixing it.
After I was basically okay, Harold had me lie down on the bed and he flogged me. Big thuddy strokes, over and over. The rhythm soothed me. I sank into the heavy beat of leather on flesh. It didn’t turn me on, but if felt very good. And afterwards, Harold’s fingers on the tender skin did make me all wet.
Then we switched and I spanked him with a ping pong paddle. That also felt good, giving back to my lover. We went on from there with some CBT – something I enjoy and feel very comfortable with. Eventually, we fucked. We were wild, on our knees on the floor, thrusting hard. I love sex like that. It’s so reassuring to know that I can have my flashbacks and deal with them, then move beyond that to have the kind of sex I enjoy. No compromises, I get to be all of who I am.