There is something kinky in giving and receiving. Even the most innocent of gift giving has some power dynamic to it. Do you feel fulfilled by finding the perfect present for someone? Do you resent the office Secret Santa exchange and do your best to silently subvert it? For you is the receiving of gifts right and fitting? Can you let someone do something nice for you? How do these attitudes about giving and receiving affect your relationships? Or your sex life?
Last night Harold was sitting at the computer when I walked up behind him. I started kissing his ears and the sides of his face while I was unbuttoning his shirt. Once I had his shirt off, I scratched and caressed his back, slowly working my way into massage and then heavy pounding on the muscles. By then he was slumped against the desk. I finished by going back to light touch. Then I helped him out of his pants.
He mentioned that he felt guilty when I was doing such nice things for him, but I didn’t really get how hard it is for him until later, when we were in bed. We were worn out and getting ready to call it a night. Harold needed to go fetch his cell phone from the living room and I offered to do it for him. He immediately demurred. But I insisted because I was happy to and it made more sense. It was really difficult for him to let me do something for him! He looked kind of sheepish.
I love doing nice things for him! It makes me feel really good. I like it when Harold does things for me – I feel loved. Is it so hard for him to let me love him in the same way? He feels like he doesn’t deserve it. He is working on letting me pamper him, but he can’t help his reactions. It makes me want to dominate him in this way – use his guilt and shame against him. In my experience, most people are dominated through pain, not kindness, but shame always seems to work.
Thankfully, we have worked through Harold’s feeling of unworthiness in the realm of sex. He lets me give to him rather freely at this point, but it’s taken some work. At first he was hesitant to even let me go down on him. I think it’s helped that I have gleefully embraced CBT. We’ve had an extended period of time where he trained me and transferred the control over to me. Now I just hold him in my hands.
Wherever you stand on gift giving and exchanges of power, there is a lot of pleasure to be had in striking a balance. In this 69 of giving and receiving, what you do comes back to you, so this holiday season open yourself up to both taking in sweetness and pouring out joy. And best wishes for a kinky New Year!