I’ve been nude for a lot of today. Not even on purpose, really. It took me a while to get dressed this morning. Then I had a photo shoot and my model couldn’t make it, so I spent three or four hours naked either behind or in front of the camera. We needed to use the studio time somehow, and I’m an exhibitionist.
The problem is, I’m fat. In the last year I’ve gained weight so that I now weigh more than I ever have in my whole life. I think it’s that I’ve been working through intense emotional stuff from my childhood. Maybe my body decided that it needed to go into survival mode and put on extra pounds so we can make it through the end of the world. I don’t know. I would like to start losing the weight now. Like 30-50 pounds.
I’m generally pretty comfortable in my body. I like how my body feels. I experience pleasure in this body. I dance and hike and fuck! My lovers think that I am beautiful. My children snuggle into me. It feels good to be me.
And then I catch my reflection or see the results of a photo shoot and I hardly recognize myself. Not only am I suddenly overweight, I’m also older than I imagine myself to be. And I have a bazillion stretch marks. How did my actual appearance get to be so different from my self-image? And the funny thing is, when I was a young adult I looked fabulous and felt crappy about my body! It doesn’t seem right.
So, what is sexy? I know that feeling sexy translates to being sexy when I’m having sex. Harold says that his photography doesn’t do me justice, but I say, the camera doesn’t lie. I’m heavy. But can heavy be sexy? Our culture has some strong collective ideas about which body types are sexy. I think that people of all body types can be sexy. Personally, I don’t want to waste my time worrying about what other people might think about my body.
Harold and I once saw a mountainous couple make love. It was like seeing elemental forces meet. They were each 300 to 400 pounds and it was totally sexy. They had great energy. It worked because I stopped thinking about them as overweight people and started seeing them as creatures of pure desire. It was amazing.
So I guess, as long as I feel good about my body and feel the sexy vibe, it’s all good. I’d like to think that I’m out here on the internet, changing the way that people view bodies. But I’m human. I’m sure that some people will see this site and wonder why the fat girl has naked pictures up. And you know what? It’s because I think the pictures are hot. And I’m an exhibitionist.