I’m still in a post holiday funk. I’m not sure what to do with myself. I need to pick up all of the pieces I let slide last week, but I don’t want to. I just generally feel down and kind of bad about myself. It’s like I used up all of my mojo on Christmas and now I need to let it recharge. Not even the orgasm I gave myself in the shower this morning helped. What should I do to tune up my engine while I’m waiting for the next race?
I thought about getting a bikini wax to cheer myself up – maybe a spiffy heart shape or something. Harold just shuddered, declaring that I am more kinky and hard-core. This from the man who lets me put needles through his balls. Joel just told me that I should come home and be mellow rather than putting myself through more physical and emotional stress right now. Mellow sounded good, but I still believe I need a good waxing for the new year.
Then, in the middle of feeling blue this afternoon, I caught myself thinking that what I really needed was a new relationship. Yikes! As if my life wasn’t already complex enough. As though I have any time for a girlfriend or a boyfriend. It’s just this selfish desire for someone new to bolster my ego. I want the excitement, the heady rush of getting to know someone new in an intimate way. I want to feel loved and attractive and I guess it has to be someone new because I’m not feeling what I have. That can’t be my problem can it? Oh wait. It is my problem that I’m not able to fully participate in the love that surrounds me. Hooking up with someone new would be a great rush, but it wouldn’t fill the emptiness.
I’m somehow simultaneously resentful that I’m not getting more time to myself right now and desperately wanting to feel less alone. I loved having the whole family together for the holidays, but it also gets difficult to be under the same roof with the same group of people for a while. Now it feels lonely not having everyone around me – and I’m sick to death of being surrounded by people. I can’t win. And I seem to make everyone around me feel bad when I’m out of sorts.
What am I going to do? Well, I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight because I haven’t been sleeping well for the past few days. Tomorrow, I have a date with Harold and I’m going to let myself be held while I have a good cry and release some of the stuff I’ve been carrying around. Wednesday, if I’m still feeling bad I’m going to do something nice for myself while the nanny is here – a massage, or the spa, or yes, a bikini wax. Even a long peaceful soak in the bathtub and some online lingerie shopping would do the trick. You can’t keep a good girl down for long. And I am very, very good…