I’m emotionally achy right now. I don’t write about it much, but for the past two years I have been working hard to process a childhood of abuse. Honestly, I’ve spent my whole life working hard to own my body and my sexuality. I’ve fought hard to have the things that I want out of life. I’m proud of that. But I may have finally come up against something I can’t overcome – the end boss of sex abuse, my very damaged self-esteem.
Intellectually, I understand that I was abused. It wasn’t my fault. Even if I participated willingly, it’s still abuse of a child. Even if it sometimes felt good, bodies are programmed to respond in certain ways, and it’s still abuse. I deserved love and attention like every child does and should not have had to trade sex for it. I know that I was conditioned. It was wrong. All of the pain and neglect and manipulation was wrong.
But the truth is that even after years of therapy, I feel stained. I feel like some invisible brand marks me for every predator out there. I feel besmirched, broken. I live in a secret shadow world that only abusers and victims know. I’ve worked over the years to overcome these feelings, to strengthen my positive feelings about myself, to avoid living in that darkness. Most of the time it works. When it doesn’t and I suddenly feel plunged into the darkness again, I feel like the shadow world is the real world and everything else is pretend.
There is a strong tie between my shadow world and my sexuality, like there is is for most people. I’ve used a lot of different BDSM aspects to help heal myself. Currently, bondage is great because it gives me a chance to struggle where I did not have the option to fight back as a child. It feels good. I’ve also been learning to be a top, taking on more Domme energy as I go. But I recently saw how easily I could use shame and guilt as part of power exchange and it fucked me up.
I don’t want to be an abuser. I’m afraid of crossing that line somewhere in this sexual power play. I don’t want to betray trust. At the same time, I realize how desperately I want those games of shame and guilt to be used on me sexually. I am ashamed to realize that I get off on being humiliated. Fuck. I don’t want to be a victim either.
I do want Harold to know me, all of me, completely. I want him to top me, to hurt me, to humiliate me. I want him to see that stained, broken part of me and still love me. Give my pain purpose. Control me so I can let go. I want to give myself to him and not just the nice parts. He should have all of the dirty parts. I am not submissive, I am a wounded sex-slave of a child. I want him to know. And not with his mind or his body, with his whole self.
The irony is that I already have what I want. Harold wants every bit of me. He may even see this part of me that I hate, but I can’t feel it. We don’t interact in this space – which, actually, is good. This part of me only knows that pain + power = love. He’d have to hurt me for me to know that he loves that part of me. And I don’t want to ever feel like Harold is in an abuser role for me.
It’s such a difficult tangle. I do have a lot of my power, sexual and otherwise, wrapped up in this shadow world. I feel trapped by the self-loathing. Yet I also know that some of the hottest sex of my life has come from this energy. But isn’t that true for everybody? It’s the forbidden and the shameful things that carry so much intense sexual energy. Can I utilize the sexiness of my shame without doing anything that damages my soul? Better yet, can we heal this hurt at my core? I think that what I haven’t been able to do alone, I may do with help.