The art of chain measurement, or cunchenation, has largely fallen into disuse in recent centuries. Among ancient peoples, by contrast, generosity and hospitality was closely linked to an impressive chain capacity, and young girls would wear their chains proudly around their necks, or in the case of really long chains, around their waists. It was a practice among the Celts to hang your chain, or Faighin Slabhra, at your front door, so passers-by could assess the hospitality of your house in advance. It has even been suggested that the efficacy of harbor chains in repelling sea-born attacks was originally based on their terrifying ability to suggest really formidable women defenders.
A woman generally opened herself to measurement in a public ceremony, aided by her partner, or Cunchenaide. Because the level of arousal was crucial for achieving an impressive chain capacity, a long chain was considered to enhance the Cunchenaide’s reputation as well. And, though it was largely symbolic by the time the Romans invaded, older practices demanded that the Cunchenaide pay homage to the lady by gifting her with an orgasm for every link of her chain on the longest night of the year. Many anthropologists postulate that these rites were believed to bring joy and fertility to the household.
We invite you to practice some cunchenation of your own. We’ve broken the process down into a few easy steps that can be carried out in the privacy of your own home, although you certainly may conduct this experiment publicly for a more authentic experience.
Improve lab technique by experimenting with non-standard units of measure.
- 6 feet of proof coil chain: must be brand new, chrome-plated (not galvanized or nickel-plated), 1 inch long links, smooth welds
- Boiling water
- Isopropyl alcohol
- A large amount of personal lubricant
- A pillow (optional)
- A towel (optional)
Step 1: Prepare the chain
When cunchenation was widely practiced, Cunchenmasters carefully constructed special chains. Thankfully, today we can simply pick up what we need from the local boat supply, livestock, or hardware stores – but do inspect the chain carefully for flaws or rough spots.
Purify the chain by boiling it in water for at least five minutes. Let cool and wash in isopropyl alcohol. Rinse and pat dry. Store someplace clean (like a new ziplock baggie) until ready for use.
Step 2: Prepare the woman
It is the job of the Cuchenaide to put the woman in a receptive state. The use of tongue, fingers, and vibration were traditionally used on, but not limited to the following areas: nipples, clitoris, and g-spot. The exact ritual has been lost in time, but we feel confident that you will be able to approximate a reasonable facsimile.
You will know when the woman has achieved the appropriate state of receptiveness when she appears meditative and begins chanting. When you hear mantras such as “ohm eye god,” “yesyesyes,” or “pleeeeeeeeeease,” you may proceed to the next step.
The secret of successful cunchenation is copious use of personal lubricant. If you are attempting to stay true to the classical practices, we recommend wild boar ejaculate, but everyone else should feel free to use their favorite brand of commercially available lube. Whatever you use, apply it liberally to both the woman and the chain. It may be necessary to place a pillow beneath the woman’s bottom to aid in accessibility and comfort. Additionally, a towel may be strategically placed to catch excess lubricant.
Begin to insert the chain into her cunt one link at a time. The ancient Celts would count each link aloud as it went in, but we believe that to be unnecessary in modern science. Quantifying the measure can take place at any time after the lab is completed. It is important to keep the woman focused by attempting to keep her arousal level as high as possible. Additional stimulation may be required.
At this point, although we have our measure for science, it may be prudent to follow the ancient rites, which held that a woman’s measure was not valid until she showed her approval. To this end, bring the woman right to the edge of orgasm, then slowly and smoothly pull the length of chain out of her cunt and place it on her stomach. She should then feel moved to approval.
Traditionally, the chain was cut to length during or immediately after measurement, but for scientific purposes, it is appropriate simply to count the links that were inserted. Please note the results in your lab notebook, and compare with other students. Some women may feel that a single measurement suffices, while others may wish to pursue scientific inquiry more diligently by gathering many data points over the course of time.
Roles can be reversed so that the Cunchenaide may similarly be carefully and rigorously measured, using a fresh chain.
 References: While no known written record of the ancient and venerable practices described here has yet been found, we are sure that our account is perfectly authentic and can be considered, as the Italians put it, “ben trovato.”
 As far as can be determined, Hobart’s “KitchenAid” brand is not intentially derived from or related to the ancient term, Cunchenaide.