Jan 042011

Evoe sneaking a peekI think I’m miscarrying. I’m not even sure how I feel about that.

I’ve been feeling pregnant for a while – sore enlarged breasts, uncomfortable nipple piercings, slight food cravings, increased sense of smell, things tasting odd, periods of nausea, super emotional, and falling asleep tired – but I have an IUD so that’s impossible, right? Doesn’t 98-99% effective mean I can’t get pregnant? I think that in a frenzy of sexual bliss, I’ve forgotten that life finds a way of happening.

I don’t know that I’m pregnant, but I do have 5 children and I’ve had two miscarriages. I do actually know what it feels like. And I’m pretty aware of my body. Two weeks ago I asked Harold if we should try a home pregnancy test. It’s a bit tricky because the main indication of pregnancy is a lack of a menstrual period. I haven’t had periods at all since the first few months after the IUD was inserted, just the occasional pink spot when I wipe.

I also don’t know that I’m miscarrying. It’s just that I started bleeding heavily and my body smells different (weird, I know, but I’m like that). I’ve been feeling freaked out, without knowing why. Survival level freaked out and worried about my body. My therapist is the one who suggested that I could be miscarrying. It makes some sense.

I’m really sure that I don’t want any more babies. I always planned to get my tubes tied, but an IUD seemed easier at the time. Sex is all about creative energies – why am I so surprised that it succeeded, despite the improbability? I don’t want a pregnancy. Still, I’m feeling this loss so strongly. There’s that part of me that can see the potential. The part that thinks we could make it work. Then there’s other voices…

Like just being pissed off at my body: What were you thinking? This is dangerous! This isn’t what we wanted! We were being responsible and using good birth control, remember?

And I’m scared: What if I’m pregnant and NOT miscarrying? That’s even worse. I’ve been blindly trusting my birth control method. Will I be able to be so boldly confident in the future?

I’ll call the doctor today. I want to take care of my body and find out what’s been going on. For now, I’ve been letting myself be taken care of by my boys. A little TLC can’t hurt.

  • Von


  • Maren

    I love you. Be well. Again, I love you.

  • Evoe

    So, the pregnancy test came back negative. Yay!!!!! It doesn’t mean that I wasn’t pregnant before, but I am certainly not now. Whew. Things also look okay with the IUD, but there is definitely something up with my body.

    Good news, but I’m thinking that sterilization is sounding better and better. Thanks for all of the love!