I’m tired this morning, but the glow that I still feel makes last night worth it. Harold and I really connected for the first time in over a month. I’ve been feeling bad and haven’t been very comfortable in my skin. Yet somehow, last night, everything was right and we found that golden flowy place where we could just feel each other in a pure way. Yep, this is where I get all mystical and woo-woo about love and the healing powers of sex.
I really believe in love. I feel a nearly physical web of connection between me and the people I care about. Love fills my chest with light until it spills over onto everything I touch. I feel connected with universe, right and good. But when I feel empty and needy, like I have in the past month, there is no way to fill up. It’s much harder to feel all of the love around me, which adds to my feeling that I am unlovable. But I am very blessed. I have been working to heal my own hurts, but I also have people who love me so much that they also slowly heal me with their love. In other words, fear shuts me down, but love opens me up.
Yesterday was generally a good day. I was still basking from a fabulous date with Joel the night before and feeling very connected to him. I had a pedicure, a lovely way to take care of myself, emotionally and physically. I spent time playing with the baby. I organized the bathroom closet. And I had my date with Harold.
Our date was good. We took a shower together, enjoying the sensuous pleasure of washing each other. We shot more video footage and we had lovely orgasms, but no intercourse. I felt very close to Harold – kind of warm and gooey. I did very little crying for a typical date, but I did get bundled up and held, like I asked for and needed. I was more present in my body than I have been.
We came home and Harold made dinner while I wrote and provided some sex ed for the teen-ager. I had to say good-bye to Joel for a few days, but I still felt centered in the love that surrounds me. It’s particularly interesting for me to realize that I feel more love when I stop trying to control all of the little details of my life. And stop panicking about not having control. Funny that things might flow more easily that way.
After we got the children off to bed, we climbed into bed ourselves and watched a movie. Snuggled between Harold and the baby, I relaxed the rest of the way. I enjoyed the movie. When it was over, I just melted into Harold. We should have just gone to sleep, but suddenly I was just swimming in the golden light of love and I could tell that Harold felt it too. There was totally a sexual aspect to it, but in a slow sensuous way.
Harold’s breath on the back of my neck made me feel like arching my back and pressing my ass into his groin. His fingers twined in my hair, his body pressed me into the bed. I was filled with need, but in a diffuse way, like every aspect of my being was magnetically draw to every aspect of Harold’s being. It was sexy as hell. And reassuring for my ego because it was obvious that Harold wanted me. He took me in exactly the right way.
We fucked. Or more honestly, we made love. Neither of us came, but it wasn’t about that. It just felt really amazing. We need to occasionally connect in this way. It reminds us of what we value the most. Being in this space doesn’t always involve sex. Sometimes it’s just making eye contact from across the room, or making dinner together, or shopping at Costco. But I find that every time I have sex I am trying to experience this feeling.
Unless something happens that really throws me off my groove, this feeling might last for several days. I can’t help believing that this is the whole point of sex – to feel loved, blessed, and supported by the universe.