Feb 182011

I'm on to youI don’t want to get stuck in place.

I’ve been longing for the time when sex was new. It’s not that I feel stagnant, I’m trying new things all of the time. I’m pretty happy with my sex life now. It’s more remembering what it felt like to be a young adult. Each encounter was loaded with anticipation for the next. Every act was weighted with the urgency of desire. The forbidden, the unknown, the promise of sexual satisfaction all drove me to explore new highs. And lows.

I was a big fish in a little pond, trying out all of the wild things my friends only dreamed of. I enjoyed their looks of shock and admiration, but understood that their regard was edged with condemnation. Liking sex made me a slut and not one of them. So why would I miss that?

drinkin' an' smokin'It was part of the experience. Learning about sex and people always came with a price. The sting of the cut tended to make the pleasure sharper. But I wasn’t thinking about that yet. I was simply free.

I went to bed with whomever I wanted, when I wanted. I explored every possible sexual configuration – in fact my first consensual sexual experience was with two men and two women. I spent long lost weekends in a sensual daze. I seduced my roommate’s girlfriends because I was so sure that I could do it better than him. I occasionally stumbled out of my bedroom to find an orgy in the living room and who could go back to sleep after that? I fell in love over and over again, and died a little inside when I inevitably betrayed or was betrayed by the people I loved.

Good friends stay over nightI worked hard to figure things out. I learned about myself and that self awareness helped me to make better choices. This is part of growing up, right? But there’s a kind of hardness that develops, a protective shell, as a result of living through pain. I think, I’ll never do that again! And I reject the whole experience. I flinch away from echoes of old hurts. I avoid complications. I worry about what people might think. I forget how to take joy in simple pleasures.

And that’s where I’m at – missing a time when I felt wild and unfettered by experience. Remembering sexual experiences fueled by adrenaline. A phase of my life where a purity test was my to-do list and every person I met was a potential partner. I admire the girl that I was – raw, gritty, fresh, and hopeful – ready to take on the world.

Party girl ready to go clubbingI’ve held on to that as much as I could. My attitude is much the same, but my life is very settled now. I’ve chosen to take most of the adrenaline out of my sex life. While that feels a lot safer and more settled, it makes even the wildest of the things I do feel normal. It is normal, but sometimes I want the thrill.

I’m working toward a balance. How can I have excitement, yet minimize risk? How do I maintain and protect my family and relationships while pursuing pleasure? Can I protect myself without closing myself to love? Can I find that freedom again without sacrificing what I’ve worked hard to build?

The wild girl inside says it’s possible.

  • Melanie

    Thanks for all the pictures of you young and wild. I know exactly what you mean. … And I think you’re right. My experience is that the adrenaline comes back, when you least expect it.