Mar 312011

Three cheers for gay male porn!Last week I reported that I’d found some sexy gay male porn that was totally working for me at Corbin Fisher. When I got all hot and bothered reading profiles and looking at pictures of smoothly muscled young chests, Harold laughed at me and purchased a 5 day subscription. Needless to say, I have crammed as much porn as possible into those 5 days!

Day 1 – I browsed the entire site, checking out all of the special features, looking at profiles, and reading the clip synopses. When everyone was asleep, I locked my bedroom door and started downloading porn, something I am pretty sure I have never done before. It took pretty long at high resolution, but I just kept selecting more movies until I hit my downloading maximum. I decided that my favorite boy was Philip. Joel looked at him and told me that he looks like Harold.

PhilipFinally, I started watching one of the clips. It was just two boys fucking. I liked it, but it wasn’t fantastic. The best part was this awesome kind of 69 and all of the cock-sucking. They just didn’t seem to have much of a connection. I moved on a Bi Tag Team video. Oooooh, better. More energy with more people and I loved watching all of the ways they connected with each other. I also appreciated having a girl in the mix because I could identify more with her. I got out the bullet vibrator and came at least half a dozen times watching this threesome. After that I watched bits and pieces of things.

Generally, the more people in the video, the better I liked it, though I found myself getting bored and fast-forwarding through the slow bits. Then I was just skimming each video and not really watching it. I realized that I was tired and oversexed, unlocked the bedroom door, and went to sleep.

Day 2 – Harold and I got together to try to work through some emotional stuff together and to have sex. I went to show him my favorite downloads and realized that renaming my files would be a very good thing if I want to find anything specific. I couldn’t get the videos to work on my laptop so we watched streaming video on my phone. I love technology! We watched another totally hot Bi Tag Team clip that ended with all three of the models spooned together with him fucking him fucking her and she’s working her clit. It’s beautiful. It really turned Harold and I on. Like foreplay.

LucasDay 3 – I downloaded another whole batch of clips, this time all of Lucas, who is evidently one of the biggest studs in their stable. Harold says he looks like Joel. I pretty much downloaded porn for 2 hours straight before I got out of bed.

I started looking at the porn less from a sexual gratification standpoint and more from a business perspective. I saw how they use 2 or 3 cameras for each shoot. I payed attention to the editing and the apparent choreography. I had an epiphany on why the models keep putting their hands on their own ass or their head – in order to get their arms and hand out of the way of the camera. These are all good things. There are a ton of little things that I think will really help me make decisions about WholeSexLife.

Day 4 – I kind of started getting bored with the porn. I downloaded a couple of things and showed one of the clips to Joel. While it held his interest, he didn’t seem particularly excited by it. Honestly, I wasn’t either. I felt kinda sad and let down by the magic of boy-on-boy porn.

Lucas fucks TreyDay 5 – I felt like I ought to download a bunch more stuff on my last day, but I got busy. I made sure to cancel the subscription so we wouldn’t get charged again. Of course they don’t make that easy. I showed Harold another video on my phone during our date. It was a particularly intense and sexy scene between two boys. It turned us both on. It’s just sweet and nice. I like boys together. In the evening we watched a movie with a lesbian couple that watches gay male porn to get off and it cracked me up. Maybe I’m not such a deviant.

And now my time is up, but I’m not sad. I think I’ve gotten everything I can out of Corbin Fisher. I do have my clips to comfort me when I’m feeling blue. I’m told that I use pornography like a boy, but how does a girl use porn? Do we know? I hope to find out…

Mar 292011

Exit out of darknessMy thoughts are tangled. I’m caught up in processing my sexual abuse history, which makes me about 14 today. Many of my reactions are straight from that time. I want to run away. I hate everyone and everything. I don’t want to do the things I know I ought to do – and who’s going to make me? But I want approval and love. I want safety. I want out. I want to be powerful. I could seduce them all and show them! And I could, but now I know the consequences in a way I didn’t then. I know it wouldn’t help, wouldn’t take away the pain for more than a few moments.

It’s hard to even talk about. The culture of secrets runs deep. You just don’t tell. Of course I wish that people would somehow intuit that I am not all right. Why can’t they see past my perfect facade? Eighth grade is a level of Hell even without abuse.

I’m so lucky in the support structure that I have created for myself here and now— I do have the strength, space, safety, and love to work through these complicated teenage feelings. And it’s working. The therapy and private work that I’ve been doing for 2 years has brought me to what is probably the last really hard thing to look at. And I’m slowly getting through that too. I’m reaching a point where I can see the exit sign.

But now particularly sucks. I feel so sad. And about a million other emotions. I’m cold because I’m a bit in shock. It’s unbelievable that I’ve carried all of this crap around for so many years. I will be happy to be free of it, relieved to release the flash-backs and frustrating feelings, grateful to own my sex life. I want to be able to make love without ghosts.

Last night I had access to both of my men and a babysitter. I wish I could say that we had hours of riotous sex. We didn’t. I took a hot bath, we talked, we made dinner together, we built a fire, snuggled up on the floor together, and watched Almodóvar’s La ley del deseo (Law of Desire). It’s exactly the kind of movie that I am drawn to, a foreign art flick with lots of gay sex and a dramatic ending. It helps that Antonio Banderas is in it. He’s totally on my list.

It was lovely and perfect and still didn’t really make me feel better. I want Harold and Joel to be closer to me. I want to feel them under my skin. Maybe sex would get me that close, but I haven’t been feeling like sex. Everything is come here/fuck off. I feel so much pain that it’s hard to open up to the love I have all around me. Sometimes just knowing the love is there is enough.

I’m walking a careful path. I get lost sometimes, but for the most part I’m doing it. I’m healing my hurts and taking back my life. How do you find that balance between sex abuse and sex, fear and love? I gather the light to myself as I move through the darkness. And I just keep going. I think this place is mine now – nothing left to fear  except forgetting there is an exit.

Mar 272011

Harold's armHarold started it. He strip-teased for me, a joyful revealing of his chest, one button at a time, my eyes following every movement of his hands. Shirt gone, I look at him in a new way. I know every inch of his body in intimate detail, but now I am seeing him in a purely objectified way. My gaze follows the contours of his body like a caress. I see the way the light reflects off the muscles of his arms. I linger on his lips, remembering his kiss. I meet his eyes and he is laid bare for me. I have seen this man undress a thousand times, even cheesy party strip-teases, but not like this. This is a celebration of love.

He unbuttons his jeans, dipping his hands under the waistband of his boxers and turning around. Slowly, so slowly, he unveils his ass. It’s so beautiful. I love the curve of his ass. I want to sink my teeth into him, run my fingers over his butt like he is doing. He shakes his ass at me and I just want to grab hold of those hips. His pants and boxers sink to the floor and he throws me a look over his shoulder. I want to make him mine. His look says he already is. He sits down on the bed next to me.

We kiss passionately. I feel like I could probe the mystery of him with my tongue. I know him as well as any person can know another and yet I want to get closer and closer. I press my body tight against his, as though I could take him in osmotically through my skin. Wait! I’m still wearing all of my clothes.

I slide off the bed. We’re talking, but I have no idea what was said. I am busy being in my own body. I am loving myself, but I want to share with him. My shirt comes off and I’m running my fingertips under my tank top. The sensations are nice. I’ve lost 15 pounds. I feel good. But I’m looking in his eyes and thinking about how much I love him.  I like him watching me like that. The tank top comes off.

Evoë in the woodsI’m feeling pretty turned on now. I’m incredibly wet. I unfasten my belt and my pants. His eyes are riveted to my hands. I slide my pants down my hips, enjoying the smooth glide of fabric over flesh. It takes a wiggle or two to get free of the pants. I turn around, my hands brushing over my thong and across my ass. I unhook my bra, holding it in place as I come back round to face him. My nipples are hard against the bra. The straps just fall off my shoulders. Everything flows. I wait, holding on to his attention, drawing it out a bit. The bra drops and I’m in love with my breasts. I think Harold is too because he licks his lips.

Now I’m just in my panties. I hook my thumbs under the sides and tug them down just a little. Just to where the pubic hair starts. I feel gorgeous. Even after years, he can still look at me like that. I pivot and pull my underwear down to the floor, knowing that I’m flashing him my cunt as I bend over. He makes some noise like a groan.

We’re both naked now, but suspect the teasing has just begun.

Mar 252011

Corbin Fisher, Men in HeatDo I have your attention now? Good, because I feel like such a hypocrite. I’m always telling other people to explore their sexuality and pay attention to what feels right for them. I’m always complaining about how the porn that’s out there right now doesn’t do anything for me. You know why? Because I’ve been looking in the wrong places. You know what really, really, really turns me on? Yep, hot gay male porn.

This afternoon Joel sent me one of those e-cards as a sort of, have a happy day, pick-me-up things. It’s totally sweet. Only this card has a warning, “by clicking on the link below, you’ll be taken to our gay adult oriented website, overflowing with naked skin, ripped muscle, and hot young college guys!” Wow. And I follow the link, but it doesn’t work. So I just go to the Corbin Fisher website.

I can’t even describe how I started feeling looking at those clean-cut, smooth bodied, well muscled young men touching each other intimately. It’s like it got harder to breathe. I felt excited and a little scared, like riding a ferris wheel, kind of a tingly thrill that travels from my chest to the bottoms of my feet, but mostly stays in my cunt. My mouth got wetter and my tongue kept traveling from the roof of my mouth to my lips. I really wanted to taste those boys.

Corbin Fisher, in the showerI got completely sucked in. I read the story outlines for the porn movies. I read about the company. I read model bios and started feeling like maybe I kind of knew them. I wanted to know a whole lot more. I downloaded wall paper and cleaned up my desktop icons so I could see all of the naked boys. They’re so sweet and sexy. I don’t even want to have sex with them. I want to watch them have sex with each other. Maybe tell them what to do. OMG, I am so in lust.

I keep telling myself that it’s business. It’s research. It’s important for me to be aware of what’s out there. I’m curious about how they make their movies. I appreciate how well done their website is. I’m sure there is a ton of stuff for me to learn. So why am I drooling on my keyboard?

I feel so ridiculous. I’m like a 12 year old girl with a Tiger Beat magazine, fantasizing about the current heartthrobs. Excited over a few muscles? It just isn’t me. Except… in retrospect, I should have seen this coming. I’ve made Joel and Harold sit through countless bad art flicks just because there’s gay male sex. In fact, right now Netflix is sending me La ley del Deseo, featuring a young Antonio Banderas in an explicit gay sex scene. I’ve written erotica with gay male sex. It’s always gotten me hot. I’ve just never thought to check out the porn.

Corbin Fisher, hots boys making loveI’ve just gotten off the phone with Harold, where I begged him to buy me internet porn. I can get a 5-day trial subscription to both of their websites for $35. Ouch! But I want to watch these boys fuck each other so bad, my nipples are hard. It’s pretty embarrassing. He reminded me of the research we’ve both seen that saws that women and men both respond physically to explicit materials at about the same time. Women just don’t expect it.

Well, I’d better go. I think my work load for the next 5 days just got heavier.

Wait… what was Joel doing on that site?

Mar 242011

Joel's tattoo of KaliMy husband is branching out! I’m so proud. Joel’s been fairly reclusive since his last relationship ended three years ago. We’ve been pretty busy since then, what with moving and forming a poly family and having a baby and selling a house and starting a business and him working 100 miles from home and living in two different places. So I understand why he hasn’t been beating the bushes for a girlfriend, but he might be ready now!

The cool thing is that he’s been taking care of himself during that whole time. Joel used to have a lot of anxiety, but through counseling and medication, he’s managed to kick it’s ass. He’s had hard stuff to deal with too – like the death of his father last summer. And while I think he spends more time in front of computers than he ought to, he does a fabulous job as a husband and a father.

Knight in shining armorI appreciate everything Joel does for me and love him for all of the ways in which we share our lives. I want him to be happy. Four nights a week he sleeps alone, far away from home, so that he can continue to support his family financially. I would feel better knowing that someone was there to love him and keep him company. And hopefully have sex with him. That can only benefit me because new relationship energy tends to spill over to existing relationships!

Joel is basically shy with aggressive tendencies. That can come out in funny ways and tends to put girls off. It’s probably harder for Joel to reach out than for most people. I’m proud of him because he’s started opening up more. He sent a letter to a woman he’s had a crush on for 12 years explaining how he feels about her. He made a new friend online and has spent a lot of time corresponding with her in a platonic way. He even messaged a total stranger on OK Cupid. This is progress. Maybe he’s ready.

Joel topping EvoëI know it’s not up to me to organize a relationship for my husband, although I’d hardly be the first wife to do so, but I know what I would want for him, hypothetically. I’d want a cute curvy bisexual woman in her 30’s, who was submissive and masochistic in the bedroom, but stood up to Joel the rest of the time. Liking country music is a big bonus, since I have no desire to go to country music concerts. So is red hair and freckles. So is a fetish for shaving. I don’t mind children at all, but she would have to be able to have some time and space in her life for Joel. It would be best if she lived in Whatcom or Skagit County, but King County would also work. She MUST understand and be okay with polyamory.

Joel explaining thingsAnd here is what my husband has to offer: He has beautiful green eyes that look right into your soul before he kisses you. He’s sweet and supportive and great at taking care of women. He’s a good cook. I love his intelligence and wicked sense of humor, especially when paired with his silliness. He’s a sci-fi/fantasy gamer geek and an artist. He’s an amazing psychological top who is very creative in his punishments. If you appreciate cunnilingus performed with passion and skill, you would not be disappointed. And I know this doesn’t matter to women, but his cock is larger than average.

Let me restate that I would never interfere in Joel’s love life unless there was some danger, but if you happened to be curious about him, you could look at his profiles on Fetlife or OkCupid. Hypothetically.

Mar 232011

Evoë under coverNo matter how sexually experienced and jaded I may get, there is one taboo I’m likely to hold onto. Anal sex. I don’t have any problem doing anal play on someone else. I’m not squicked out. It doesn’t seem weird. However I generally freeze up over the thought of anyone touching my asshole. Yet there’s still this deep sexual longing. Yesterday, I just wanted to take it in the ass.

My reservations about anal sex have to do, in part, with negative experiences early on in my life, but that doesn’t really explain it. I’ve had bad experiences with oral sex, but I love to suck cock and it feels totally normal. No, anal sex has the feel of a taboo to it – forbidden and shameful. I’m one of those people who can’t even poop in a public restroom, let alone permit my lover to lick my asshole. Anal sex is just dirty! And doing a dirty sex act is pretty fucking hot.

I guess yesterday I was just in the mood. I wanted Harold in every way possible, to be filled, to give myself and to be thoroughly taken. I needed to be bad, to push myself past my comfort zone. Asking Harold to fuck me in the ass felt so wanton and wild. Of course, I had to talk him into it. He couldn’t believe that I would really want anal sex. I’m a wicked woman.

We made it part of our love-making, mixing bits of anal play in with oral sex and crushing Harold’s balls in a vice and making out and generally grunting and pushing at each other in an animal way. Despite my taboos, it started to feel pretty natural. I like the feel of Harold’s lubed finger sliding in and out of my asshole. And then the vibrator. It’s no different than anything else we do.

When we reached the point in our love-making where penetration would normally happen, we fumbled around a bit, but finally managed to get Harold’s lubed cock into my ass. He hasn’t done a lot of this, so I needed to ask him to slow down. I had a brief moment on the brink of freak out where I wasn’t sure this was going to work. I relaxed and made myself think about being open and receptive. And then everything was fine. Better than fine! Harold held onto my hips and fucked my ass. It felt amazing. Fantastic. And soooo dirty. Harold was rubbing my clit at the same time, but the angle was difficult so I offered to take over. The erotic charge was building. I was so close to coming and I could tell that Harold would come if I did. But I couldn’t quite get there. My cunt felt empty and lonely. I clearly need double penetration!

Do you take it in the ass?As good as the anal sex felt, I wanted to be fucked in the usual way. The problem with going from anal to vaginal is that you don’t want fecal matter near the vagina where bacteria could cause infections. So we cleaned up with what we had on hand – which, I am embarrassed to say, was Windex and paper towels. The important thing is that we were able to continue fucking.

This was maybe the 5th time in 10 years that I’ve had anal sex, the second time ever with Harold, so it’s clearly not a huge part of my life. I’m happy to be working through any issues I have with anal penetration because I hate having artificial limits. I don’t mind anal play staying taboo. It’s fun to play with that energy and so few things truly feel taboo for me any more. I want to be able to be a dirty girl from time to time. But I still wouldn’t let him lick my asshole. No way.

Mar 222011

Vibrators and dildoesI never used to like vibrators. Plug-in vibrators have always scared me because as a teen I read a book in which a girl died when hers shorted out. My mom had an electric vibrator that lived under her bed at the end of an extension cord, and that kind of creeped me out as a kid. It’s not that hard to get myself to come. I usually use my fingers, or sometimes the shower head. I don’t like feeling all buzzy. What do I need a vibrator for?

I bought my first vibrator when I was 18. It was my first foray into a sex shop – a 24-hour joint next to the 7-Eleven in Tukwila. Elvis was using the ATM and he said he liked my red ’66 Mustang. I was embarrassed and excited to be walking into that den of iniquity, then disappointed by the lack of anything really titillating. I remember being interested in a magazine that showed a man hanging weights from his scrotum. In the end, I bought a set of handcuffs, a riding crop, and my very first vibrator. I named him Spike. He was bigger than my boyfriend, which caused some jealousy, so I put him away. Spike resurfaced later when I was single, but by then he had broken and I had to use a paper clip to turn him on. Right after I got married the first time, I got shamed into throwing Spike out.

And I didn’t have a vibrator for 15 years. Not until I started having sex with Harold. So I guess it’s his fault that I now own six. Some of them I got to review for the website, but some of them I use fairly regularly. Vibrators have become part of the way we play together and often how I please myself. Today I caught myself about to tell Harold not to go down on me, but to use a vibrator! Oral sex is my favorite way to come. What am I thinking? How and why has my attitude shifted?

I think things changed for me when I borrowed Melanie’s Magic Wand and brought myself to orgasm something like five times in as many minutes. That’s fucking amazing. I can’t do that with just my fingers. That doesn’t happen with oral sex. There’s a state I can achieve with a good vibrator where I just float in orgasmic bliss for as long as I can stand it.

Evoë with plug in vibratorIt also probably has to do with being older and more comfortable with myself sexually and more confident in my relationships. Vibrators are very businesslike. They send a clear message about my intention to orgasm. That’s sexy. And it keeps the power to orgasm in my hands, so to speak. I don’t need to beg anyone to go down on me or to stick their fingers in me in order to come. I mean, I will… but I don’t have to.

I’m still learning about my body and how to best use those vibrations. I think the quality of the vibrator is key. I overcame my fear of using a vibrator that plugs in because it really does make a difference. It’s never going to replace the intimate connection I form with my partners, but a vibrator is currently one of the best tools in my box.

Mar 212011

Colt GripsI’m very fond of breasts. Nipples are even better – and everyone has them! I’m always looking for fabulous nipple clamps. Without them, I tend to resort to things like pliers because I love nipple stimulation. I love to use nipple sensation on other people and I orgasm like crazy when my own nipples are properly stimulated. So I was excited when I saw California Exotic Novelties’ Colt Grips. Ooooh! Sleek black cordless vibrating nipple clamps that can go in the shower. What could be better than that?

I was attracted to the name, Colt Grips. It’s totally sexy in a guns and cowboys kind of way. There’s a very similar version that’s pink and called Nipplettes. Don’t get me wrong, I like pink, but given a choice between Nipplettes and Colt Grips, I want the serious fucking Colt Grips. And they are serious looking. I really like the styling and the black rubber coating. I think they look HOT. I’ve always disliked the look of the common “jumper-cable” style nipple clamps. I want something that looks sexy.

Colt Grips vibrating nipple clamp in useCal Exotics gets serious points for including batteries. Actually, two sets of batteries. The clamps use 3 watch batteries each and there 12 included. There’s nothing worse than falling in love with a sex toy only to have difficulties finding replacement batteries later on (I’m still not sure where I put the replacement batteries for the bullet vibrator!), so I’m very happy that they were thinking ahead. I also appreciate that these are wireless. Many vibrating nipple clamps have wires to a control box and that just seems so messy to me. Looks and mobility are both important to me.

The clamps are each 2.5 inches long, which is a bit long for a nipple clamp, but it’s necessary for the bullet-style vibrator. And isn’t the vibration what it’s all about? There is a button at the base of each clamp to turn the vibes on and off. I think it would be cool if there were different strengths and patterns to the vibrations. Maybe they didn’t do that because it would add more weight.

Colt Grips vibrating nipple clamps in use on piercing ringBut I bet you want to know how it feels! I tried the Colt Grips out on Harold first. He likes to have some nipple stimulation. These clamps are adjustable, but even at the smallest setting they aren’t very pinchy. This is not about pain, this is about sensation. Harold kind of liked the sensation at first, but it quickly got less interesting. I cranked one of the clamps open and tried to grip one of his testicles. Again, interesting at first, but not for very long.

We tested the clamps on me. They are very difficult to latch on with my nipple piercings. I like the vibration, but it isn’t really the right kind of stimulation for me to get off. And no matter how hard we tried, the vibration itself would work the clamp right off of my nipple. That’s pretty distracting. I also tested them in the shower because that seems like such a great idea. Sometimes the shower is the only place I can find any privacy. They work great! I still had the problem of them falling off, but yes, they were water resistant. Always a good trait in a sex toy.

I’m not sure what to do about the piercing problem. I wear barbells through my nipples, but Joel has rings. On him, we were able to simply clip them onto the rings and it vibrated his nipples through the rings. It makes me Colt Grips vibrating nipple clamps in use in the showerwonder what else I could add vibration to in that fashion! It also makes me wish that I had a girl to try these babies on. I don’t feel like I got the full effect, but I’m pretty sure I would prefer more pinch and greater vibration.

Bottom line: I think this is a well designed product that doesn’t actually do much in the way of exciting anyone. I suspect that, if used in a scene with a variety of other stimulus, Colt Grips could lend a nice layer of sensation. Or, this might be a great place for a newbie to start.

Grade: B-

Mar 202011

My first sight of the morningSunday, 9:37 am – I woke up in a panic. While I seem to have worked through a most of my feelings of shame and guilt around sex, I am evidently racked with a plethora of yucky feelings about relaxing and having fun. I’m anxious about what’s going on at home, disappointed that we didn’t get to do more here, guilty about spending so much money and wasting so much time and leaving our children, embarrassed because I don’t feel like I belong here in this fancy hotel, ashamed that I can’t just enjoy myself for a few days and be fully present with my sweetheart. It’s kind of a mess. I have gotten a lot of work for WholeSexLife done here. Yes, it’s a good opportunity to do some of those things, but I can see that I’m also trying to compensate for everything I feel bad about.

Evoë leaning out the windowSunday, 10:32 am – We’re eating breakfast in our room. I had wanted to go to Powell’s this morning but I slept too late. Rather than add to my stress, we decided to order room service again and slowly pack up our stuff. I really could get used to someone bringing me breakfast in bed every morning. Or at least coffee. Food is helping me to feel better. I didn’t even think I was hungry! I also made out with Joel. Kissing soothes me. It’s both physically grounding and spiritually uplifting. I feel more connected to our purpose here.

Sunday, 12:26 pm – I’m on the train for Seattle. I think that I have managed to relax some while I’ve been here because I can feel myself starting to pick up tension again as I think of the stuff I’ll need to do when I get home. (Hey! We just passed the Willbridge Lubricant Plant. Cool.) I’m also reflecting on the things we did over the weekend – little snippets of things: Joel snoring on the train… seeing at least 3 or 4 different protests around the Pearl District… learning how extremely ticklish Joel is… holding hands at dinner… bantering while we walk around town and smelling pot on the air… Joel with tzatziki on his cheek… leaning out of our 9th floor window while mostly naked… watching a street musician drum on 5 gallon buckets… snuggling up in bed. Sometimes it’s not the big events that matter. Keep Portland WeirdSometimes it’s the moments in between that make all the difference. Yes, I’ve been struggly this weekend, but I still needed this. I’ve needed the time for Joel and I to just be people together.

Sunday, 2:27 pm – We’ve just had some emergency application of the train brake system or something. They aren’t sure what caused it and systems check out, so we’re going to proceed. It makes me think of how I deal with sex. From time to time the emergency brake system gets activated for some reason I can’t figure out and I need to pause in my sexual activities. If I can ascertain the cause of the problem, I can work toward fixing it. If things seem to be okay, sex can resume.

Evoë on the trainSunday, 3:10 pm – I’m trying to work on the train, but I keep getting distracted. I’m writing a review of some nipple clamps for tomorrow’s post, but I start thinking about how I wish I had a girlfriend to try them on. A girl without pierced nipples. Big, pink nipples. I could tie her up with my black bondage rope and put the clips on her nipples. I have it all with me. It could happen right here on the train. There, that girl is cute. I bet her nipples are perfect. She’d look good tied to her seat, with all of the people watching in lust and envy. I have my vibrator too. I could plug it in under the seat and hold it to her clit while she comes and come, struggling helplessly. Damn, I need a girlfriend.

Sunday, 4:09 pm – We are minutes away from the King Street Station in Seattle. I can feel my adventure drawing to a close. I’m already moving on to normal things. We’ll stop by Costco on the way home for groceries, go home and snoodle the children, make some dinner, and if I’m lucky (and not too exhausted) I’ll make love with my husband in the coziness of our very own bed. Vacations are nice, but so is coming home!

Mar 202011

Room service breakfast of vegetable frittata Saturday, 8:17 am – Joel is ordering room service! I’m all sleepy and warm and someone is going to bring me breakfast. This is heaven. I’m even being bad and wicked and getting orange juice. I haven’t had orange juice since I started dieting 6 weeks ago! Now Joel is explaining how a male ejaculation is a data transfer of 1587 terabytes of data in about 3 seconds. He got this off of Twitter from an 18 year-old gay furry. I love my life.

Saturday, 9:00 am – Room service! There’s something so wonderful about hearing that knock at the door. I also really love that the guy brought the tray in while I was wearing only a sheet. And he put the try down on the desk, right next to my vibrator. They did mix our order up with someone else’s, but they fixed it quickly. Freshly squeezed orange juice, hot coffee with cream, and a vegetable and cheese frittata. Fabulous.

Evoë in the hotel showerSaturday, 10:32 am – I’m still lazing about in bed. I called home to check on everything and got stricken with a wave of panic. I’m so far away from my children. It would take me hours to get home if anything happened. I feel horrible about taking time off. I tried to explain it to Harold and ask for reassurances, but he just got defensive and confused. I just want to know that my children are safe and that I am loved. I’m not good at this lax and indulgent conduct. I’m horrible at relaxing. Everything I’m holding in comes out when I let go. I want to sit in the (very nice) closet and cry. Instead I’m going to trust everyone at home to take care of things and get over myself. Maybe with a shower and an orgasm…

Saturday, 11:03 am – Menstruating. Might explain the weepiness, anxiety, and vague crampiness in my midsection. Thankfully I don’t bleed very much due to the IUD. It wouldn’t do to stain the nice white sheets.

Saturday, 12:26 pm – Okay. After an orgasm, a shower, a valium, and another call home, I am ready to venture out into the city. Fuck, all of this relaxing is stressful.

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Saturday, 4:11 pm – We’re back at our hotel room after roaming around Portland’s Saturday market and all of the blocks in between. I had heard that Portland has a lot of strip clubs and I am finding this to be true. Nude girls dancing everywhere! The market itself was great. I’m amazed at how many people were there and the diversity of the goods offered. We bought some amazing spices, some birthday presents for our oldest, and some greek food from a man wearing a shirt that said, ” I have a feta-ish.” I approve. We walked past Voodoo Doughnut where “the magic is in the hole” because Joel was curious, but the line literally stretched around the block. I’m just not that into donuts. Came back to the hotel to discover that I’m bleeding more heavily than I thought and managed to soak both my panties and my jeans. Suck.

Onions with nettlesSaturday, 6:47 pm – All dressed up and ready to go to dinner. It’s fun to put on make up and stockings, even if no one ever knows. It makes me feel sexy.

Saturday, 10:45 pm – Dinner was AMAZING. We went to Castagna and had the chef’s tasting menu. It’s totally sex. This is what making love is all about – small tastes of many different things, each one a work of art, served slowly with style, to delight your senses. Joel had the wine pairings as well, so he had 11 or 12 half glasses of wine. He’s pretty toasted. I can’t get over how good this food is. I ate truffles! And candied beets with goats milk ice cream and hay crackers. And just so many creative and beautiful dishes. I feel so inspired. And Joel and I really enjoyed taking the time to sit and talk together. Dinner took 3.5 hours from start to finish! Maybe because they kept taking away all of our silverware and bringing fresh. I’m so happy!

ReflectionSunday, 12:14 am – On the way back from the restaurant I asked our cab driver about all of the strip places I’ve seen in the city. Portland must be full of gentlemen since there are so many gentlemen’s clubs. He said that even some restaurants have put in small stages and offer strip shows. I’m all for nudity, but this seems excessive. Joel and I went into the dive of a strip club down the block from our hotel. I knew what to expect, but it still seems depressing. The girls performing are just doing a job. They seem kind of vacant or bored. I’d hoped for some energy, something sexy. One of them was pretty good. She was a bit of a contortionist. Joel tipped her on our way out because she reminded him of me, only 15 years younger. Ouch, but I know he meant it to be complimentary. I’d hoped to make love tonight, but Joel is completely asleep. I’m going to drift off to sleep now, thinking about how blessed I am and how in love…