Mar 142011

EvoëLately the sexiest thing to happen to me was watching this week’s episode of “Glee.” (Hey, it was a really HOT show!) This must be one of those down points in the ebb and flow of my libido. I’m not avoiding sex, I just don’t feel all that sexy.

Physically, I’m feeling pretty good about my body. I’m losing weight and wearing clothes I haven’t fit in for years. I feel lighter and more attractive. I’m eating well and exercising more, which makes me feel healthier. That hasn’t translated to sexier yet, maybe because I’ve always felt sexy.

Emotionally, I’m kind of a wreck. I’m at a difficult place in my journey from angry and depressed shattered victim to fulfilled and empowered whole person. I’m incredibly tired emotionally after working on this stuff for so many years. I hurt, hurt, hurt. I feel like a failure at life. I’m a needy, clingy, moody partner. I just want to curl up and sink into the earth.

But… I have stuff to do and kids to raise. So I keep going, keep trying to get through it. I’m doing all the right things (meds, counseling, support, etc.) and I’m committed to this process. I have to believe that this is a temporary difficulty because I’ve made it through times like this before. It does slowly improve over time.

Pensive EvoeIn the past I’ve used sex to help me get through hard times, but right now I’m allowing myself this lull. I’m trusting myself to know what’s right for me. It may be useful to find other ways of connecting, other kinds of intimacy to let me know that I am loved and valued for more than sex. I need to know in my body that I can say no to sex. It’s such a slow painstaking process to help that part of me that still feels like a victim. The rest of me can get pretty frustrated if I don’t consciously make space for adult activities. Right now I’m making space for no sex.

I feel like I should support full disclosure here and admit that it’s only been 6 days without sex and I will probably have sex tonight and/or tomorrow. But everything I said is true and I’m allowed to change my mind as often as I want. I’m usually a very horny boi who thinks about sex all the time. Right now my energy is more focused inward. I think it’s healing my heart.