Mar 042011

Melanie at Harold & Evoe's handfastingIn polyamory terms, a metamour is your partner’s other partner, with whom you are not sexual. That makes Harold’s wife, Melanie, my metamour. (Oooooh! That sounds so kinky.) Our lives are connected in many ways and Harold isn’t even the greatest of the intersecting points. We have our daughter. We are moms together and, strangely enough, that’s more binding than sex. It’s actually more binding than marriage. We will be parents together for the rest of our lives.

So I am very thankful that Melanie is the person she is. Having a baby with her was not a decision I made lightly. I thought that she deserved to be a mother more than anyone else I know. She’s a fabulous mom, often way more fun than I have the time or energy to be. She’s the mom who plays in the  bath and reads books and jumps on the trampoline. I like that we can talk about all the little decisions in our daughter’s life, including which shoes would be the cutest. She’s so in love with our little girl. And it’s not just the child we share that she cares about. Melanie is a strong advocate for all of the children.

It’s sometimes very difficult for the two of us to share the same man. We have a schedule that we follow with a degree of flexibility, but all of us get needy sometimes and that doesn’t follow any kind of schedule. It’s hard to need your partner and know that he’s with someone else. We work hard on our own shit so it doesn’t spill out into everything. We all try to be very considerate of each other’s space and time. I’m grateful for the times when Melanie has been very understanding of my need to talk to Harold on the phone, even in the middle of the night. She’s allowed me time to resolve arguments with him and even helped mediate fights between us. She’s been very supportive of the website and my blogging. She officiated when Harold and I had a commitment ceremony in front of 75 of our friends.

I know that I’m very lucky. What we’re trying to do is not easy, but it’s important to all of us. So even though we’ve occasionally fought with each other and we are always somewhat wary of each other, we have a base level of trust that doesn’t come easily to either of us. I have a deep and profound respect for Melanie. I have learned so much from being close to her.

Laboring at our daughter's birthShe pointed out today that we are not really friends, which I think makes her sad, but she’s the woman that I am closest to in the whole world. My history makes it hard for me to turn to anyone in a deeply trusting way, but she knows me. I have opened up my family to her – the most trusting thing I can imagine, but family feels like a trap for her. We are slowly growing into ourselves, creating a partnership that is very strong. I am learning to be a friend and she is learning that it can feel good to be part of a family.

It comes down to this: Melanie, we don’t have sex to help us express how we feel (and we are sometimes awkward around each other) so let me just say here what I feel pretty much all of the time: I love you. I am very happy to be sharing my life with you and that would be true even without the man we both love. I think you are generous, wise, hardworking, creative, and devoted. Your beauty shines through everything you do. Thank you. Thank you for loving me.