Sunday, 9:37 am – I woke up in a panic. While I seem to have worked through a most of my feelings of shame and guilt around sex, I am evidently racked with a plethora of yucky feelings about relaxing and having fun. I’m anxious about what’s going on at home, disappointed that we didn’t get to do more here, guilty about spending so much money and wasting so much time and leaving our children, embarrassed because I don’t feel like I belong here in this fancy hotel, ashamed that I can’t just enjoy myself for a few days and be fully present with my sweetheart. It’s kind of a mess. I have gotten a lot of work for WholeSexLife done here. Yes, it’s a good opportunity to do some of those things, but I can see that I’m also trying to compensate for everything I feel bad about.
Sunday, 10:32 am – We’re eating breakfast in our room. I had wanted to go to Powell’s this morning but I slept too late. Rather than add to my stress, we decided to order room service again and slowly pack up our stuff. I really could get used to someone bringing me breakfast in bed every morning. Or at least coffee. Food is helping me to feel better. I didn’t even think I was hungry! I also made out with Joel. Kissing soothes me. It’s both physically grounding and spiritually uplifting. I feel more connected to our purpose here.
Sunday, 12:26 pm – I’m on the train for Seattle. I think that I have managed to relax some while I’ve been here because I can feel myself starting to pick up tension again as I think of the stuff I’ll need to do when I get home. (Hey! We just passed the Willbridge Lubricant Plant. Cool.) I’m also reflecting on the things we did over the weekend – little snippets of things: Joel snoring on the train… seeing at least 3 or 4 different protests around the Pearl District… learning how extremely ticklish Joel is… holding hands at dinner… bantering while we walk around town and smelling pot on the air… Joel with tzatziki on his cheek… leaning out of our 9th floor window while mostly naked… watching a street musician drum on 5 gallon buckets… snuggling up in bed. Sometimes it’s not the big events that matter. Sometimes it’s the moments in between that make all the difference. Yes, I’ve been struggly this weekend, but I still needed this. I’ve needed the time for Joel and I to just be people together.
Sunday, 2:27 pm – We’ve just had some emergency application of the train brake system or something. They aren’t sure what caused it and systems check out, so we’re going to proceed. It makes me think of how I deal with sex. From time to time the emergency brake system gets activated for some reason I can’t figure out and I need to pause in my sexual activities. If I can ascertain the cause of the problem, I can work toward fixing it. If things seem to be okay, sex can resume.
Sunday, 3:10 pm – I’m trying to work on the train, but I keep getting distracted. I’m writing a review of some nipple clamps for tomorrow’s post, but I start thinking about how I wish I had a girlfriend to try them on. A girl without pierced nipples. Big, pink nipples. I could tie her up with my black bondage rope and put the clips on her nipples. I have it all with me. It could happen right here on the train. There, that girl is cute. I bet her nipples are perfect. She’d look good tied to her seat, with all of the people watching in lust and envy. I have my vibrator too. I could plug it in under the seat and hold it to her clit while she comes and come, struggling helplessly. Damn, I need a girlfriend.
Sunday, 4:09 pm – We are minutes away from the King Street Station in Seattle. I can feel my adventure drawing to a close. I’m already moving on to normal things. We’ll stop by Costco on the way home for groceries, go home and snoodle the children, make some dinner, and if I’m lucky (and not too exhausted) I’ll make love with my husband in the coziness of our very own bed. Vacations are nice, but so is coming home!