I may be a sex maven now, but I was a mommy first. Most of motherhood is the antithesis of sexy (poopy diapers, Barney, math homework, dirty dishes), but I have always been aware that my identity as a mother includes a changing sexuality. There is a deep sensuality and physical pride in producing a child. It isn’t something that’s easy for me articulate because it’s not sexual in the way that our culture commonly portrays sex. Like most of what happens sexually, it’s internal.
For me, being pregnant has often been a time of increased sexual activity. Aside from morning sickness, I have generally felt great physically. I felt very sexy pregnant, more curvy, more like a woman, more desirable. My breasts were fuller and more sensitive. My cunt was wetter and felt more receptive. My changing body meant that sex was varied by necessity. I didn’t have the worries of birth control. Pregnancy can often be very emotional, but that can be a good thing in terms of intimacy and sharing the journey with a partner (or partners). I have often felt attractive on a very deep level while pregnant – just for myself and of myself, not because of any external input or manifestation.
Birth is complicated. I know that some people manage to have ecstatic births and most people consider birth the most painful thing they’ve ever experienced. I fall somewhere in the middle. My easiest, most straightforward birth was at home. It was hard work, but I trusted my body to know what to do. I let go and surrendered to the process and ended up feeling incredibly powerful. People shy away from seeing birth as sexual, but it’s the most animal thing I’ve ever done. It involved my whole body, especially my cunt. Nearly every time I have sex I acknowledge how sacred my cunt is because each of my beautiful children passed through there to come into this world, not to mention all of the times I have joined with people I love.
Adjusting to having a baby can be difficult. It’s a wet, messy process. I remember leaking fluid from everywhere. It takes weeks for your body to adjust, sometimes longer for breast feeding to work out. Sometimes it’s hard to feel like having sex when you have a baby attached to you 24/7, but I often felt more love toward my partner. At times there was a seamless transition from being held, kissed, and caressed while I nursed the baby to making love while the baby slept beside us. Or the other way around – from making love to nursing the baby. Again, it was about my internal process, and the love that permeated my being.
Parenting a toddler is an exercise in patience. I currently have a very spirited and independent two-year-old. She loves to be naked and it teaches me so much about body image. And you’d be amazed how many blog posts I write while watching “Blues Clues!” You want the secret life of a mommy? I’m in love with Steve. He’s so cute and receptive. I love his big eyes, the way he sings everything, and how good he is with kids. I just want to bend him over that thinking chair. Everything he says starts to sound sexual to me, like, “I just love hot places, don’t you?” or “Let’s visit Slippery Soap.” or “Wow! There’s nothing like a good skiddoo.”
As a mom, grade school is a bit of a relief. Although there’s the weirdness of finding your kid’s young teacher attractive, there is also the benefit of having them at school all day. Hello sexual freedom! All of sudden it’s possible to have sex in the middle of the day and kiddos are rarely in your bed at night. Who am I kidding, just having a shower every day is a big deal. My secret at this stage is the sad regret for days when they were smaller and sex seemed simpler. It’s so easy to get busy with everything and I get kind of hard, less integrated. I have found intimacy more difficult at this stage, even while there is more opportunity for sex.
Teenagers are awesome. I’ve only had two so far, but I think it’s the most fun I’ve ever had as a parent. I love watching my daughters bloom and grow as people, especially around their own sexuality. They never fail to make me examine my own assumptions. I am, by nature, a teacher and I love teaching them about sex when they come to me with questions. I sometimes feel self-conscious as a sexual being because I know my children are watching. It forces me to stay true to myself. They are using me as an example of how to be in a relationship and how to find happiness. That doesn’t mean trying to hide everything sexual, it means giving them good information.
Now my oldest child is turning 20 next week. It feels like a big deal. When I was 20, she was 2. I was going through so much sexual exploration at 20. It scares me to think, but her life is her own now. She comes to me when she needs me. I respect and trust her to do what’s right for her. I know she will because I’ve taught her how. If she gets hurt I’ll be around to comfort her. I’m learning to let go here, just like in the rest of my life. It can be hard to know when to push and when to let things flow.
A mommy’s sexuality is a secret place. It’s a closely guarded gem in a mountain safehold. Or a garden growing in the heart of a metropolis. Or a banked coal just waiting for a breath of wind to help it erupt into flame. Mommies are blessed by this internal world while being challenged by the needs of their children and by the shared responsibilities of parenthood. Parents get interrupted time after time. So save up that foreplay, keep that secret alive somewhere inside you and make love where you can. Your life does depend on it.