Mar 082011

Sqweel tonguesA toy that touts itself as an oral sex simulator has a lot to live up to. Lovehoney, the UK company that puts out Sqweel describes the product as, “a wheel of 10 teasing tongues that will lap you to orgasm time and time again” and “a revolution in orgasms.” Wow. A revolution? I read a bunch of online reviews that hyped Sqweel’s performance and innovative design. Some of them even said I wouldn’t need my boyfriend anymore. Unless it can make me come, do my dishes, and hold me while I cry, I’ll keep my men – but I did indeed order a Sqweel.

It arrived promptly and came in cute packaging. Always a good start to a relationship. I like the metal tin under the decorative sleeve. The tin seems useful, though I haven’t decided what for. I was unhappy that the lube sample it is supposed to come with was absent. I like lube samples. It was disappointing, but not not really important. Sqweel is obviously the main feature.

Sqweel packaging tinSqweel was the winner of a sex toy design contest and I can see why. This is a very different idea – it doesn’t vibrate or thrust. There aren’t any bunny ears or g-spot protrusions. The toy itself looks like a spaceship. One compartment opens up to insert three AAA batteries. The other end pops off to reveal 10 pink silicone, um, tongues. Or petals, like an exotic flower. Or like tentacles from the alien mother-ship (if you’re into that kind of thing – and I know some of you are!), whatever turns you on to think of lapping at your clit.

The side panel rotates open so you can lift out the silicone wheel for cleaning. And there are 3 more silicone wheels available to purchase, each with a different texture. I found the Sqweel very hard to open. Nearly impossible to open when covered in lube. And difficult to get the fucking thing back together again as well. Actually, all of the pieces were frustrating to get apart and back together for me – and for everyone else I handed it to.

Still, I was excited to try this baby out. I waited impatiently for the children to go to sleep. Finally, Harold and I were alone in bed with the bedroom door locked. I turned the Sqweel on to the lowest of it’s three settings. I Real tongue vs. Sqweel wheel of tonguespoured lube onto the tongues as they rotated, per the manufacturer’s instructions. And I chickened out. I tried it on Harold’s nipples first. Then the most sensitive part of his cock. He thought that it felt interesting, but not amazing, or even very sexy. So I turned the Sqweel on myself.

I wish it did make me squeal, but the first time I used it, the wheel of tongues was cold and I had covered it with cold lube before turning it on my clit. It felt like I was being slapped by a parade of slugs. It really turned me off, even with Harold right there offering a variety of sexual supports. I gave it a chance. I didn’t like the tongues rotating up toward my clit. Down was better, but still made me more uncomfortable than turned on. I tried turning up the speed from slow to medium and then to high, but that felt worse. I quickly passed in favor of something that would actually make me come.


Not one to give up easily, I waited for an evening when I was alone and tried again, determined to be a part of this orgasm revolution, no matter how long it took. This time I sat on the lube and the silicone wheel for 10 minutes to warm them up. It was an improvement, but that silicone just really stays cold. I decided I might need a bit of help, so I inserted a vibrator before switching on the Sqweel. I experimented with different positions. Basically, in order for the tongues to reach my clitoris, I could either hold my labia apart or do something akin to the splits. This made managing both the vibrator and the Sqweel problematic. Lovehoney has already addressed this concern by creating a sleeve that will hold both your Sqweel and a vibrator, but I don’t have it.

Sqweel in useThrough trial and error, I reached an accommodation that seemed to be getting me somewhere. Still, it was a lot of work and by the time I figured out something that turned me on at all, I was just like – dude, give me 5 seconds with my fingers and I’ll be there! I come fairly easily compared to most women so it must take eons for Sqweel to get a girl off. Trust me, this does not feel like oral sex. Unless you’re used to getting licked by an army of frogs.

But I was determined to have Sqweel make me come. As I got more excited, I tried to apply more pressure, but that doesn’t work with Sqweel. It just slows down the motor. I tried different angles and had some success with that. It felt best for me if the Sqweel was parallel to my body, lapping downward at my clit. Between that and the vibrator I did eventually orgasm. It wasn’t a revolution, but it was a victory.

Sqweel with the case openI wonder about that bunch of rather positive reviews of Sqweel  I read before I purchased one. Did those people actually try the product out? Did the company compensate them in some way for the review? Were they selling the product themselves? It’s frustrating to see a fabulous concept that no one seems to have tried out. Maybe it’s just that I’m different from most people in anatomy or the way I process sensation. Of course, I don’t even feel like I could pass Sqweel on to someone else who might like it because the design makes it impossible to sterilize.

Bottom line – all show, no go. I’d say, don’t buy a Sqweel unless you have an alien tentacle sex fetish!

Grade: C-

  • Sally

    It makes my girl parts cold.  Very, very cold.