Apr 282011

“My sexuality bleeds into just about every crack and crevice of my life. Conversations with me are always littered with dirty sexual sentiments to jest and tease. My performance art has almost always burdened itself with dark and sexual contemplative subject matter. This will be my 3rd year directing several performance art pieces for the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival. I really can’t think of a better way to play with life, to poke at it. Exploring hidden vulnerability by laying it all on the line, has proven to be a most noteworthy personal growing experience for me.

As a mother in this life I try very hard not to make the same mistakes as my parents did. The woman inside of me has listened to experience very hard and sought the necessary teachers in life to learn how to make better choices and provide more abundant opportunities for both myself and my children. My life now flourishes with love, balance and possibilities. When I want something I work my ass off to get it. It seems to me successful people fail more often but they succeed because they simply keep trying until they do succeed. Imagine if we gave up after the first failed sexual attempt to orgasm. Well, most of us in fact do keep on trying and trying and trying……

Internally, I am still plagued by my past. Memories of abusive sexual experiences that have bruised my soul are almost impossible to ever erase. I work very hard to live in the present, trying to heal but not dwell on the past. Life has gifted me with an amazing partner who has shown me a new heightened level of compassion and care. We have an open relationship, which requires a wealth of trust and communication to keep it in balance. Poly can sometimes feel very unsafe to me because it has potential to induce very intense sexual emotions with multiple partners. It’s hard enough just to trust one person let alone two or three. Sometimes these intense experiences will trigger an anxiety attack for me.  I am still learning how to trust and communicate with both myself and my partners during these trying episodes. By making clear and positive choices when feelings are rough and intense, I am now coming to realize a sense of personal balance, fulfillment and worth. I am still scared and even want to run away at times but I am continuing to trust and invite in new sexual experiences.

I am continually choosing to give in to my sexuality, allowing myself to swim in the juices of erotic pleasure. Hell, what can I say? I really like sex! I love to bathe in the complication of my sexuality, publically even. I suppose that’s one of the reasons why I perform. It’s my way of saying “you’re not alone, there is life after abuse”. I kinda like my scars and battle wounds. Enriching my life and experience by embracing all the fucked up things that have happened to me is a kind of personal reconciliation.”

 Posted by at 7:51 pm