Apr 272011

“Sex has been a big focus in my life because for a long time I felt bad at it. But I wanted it. I felt like the girl with her face pressed to the window who can see all the other kids playing at the birthday party.

My parents were not comfortable with their sexuality. The kids at my elementary school explained the “facts of life” to me. My father was alienated from touch—he couldn’t hug. He would crush you. When he approached my mom to stroke her arm, it seemed slimy. She’d flinch away and say, “Oh, Kenneth.” He played it up, for a joke, but now I see he was full of shame.

My mother was pretty physical with me and my brothers when we were young, less so later. She described herself as “not a hugger.”  I asked her at one point how she felt about sex—urged to by my therapist; I don’t think I would have had the courage otherwise. A long pause on the phone, and then she said, “Well, you have to have a sense of humor.” Which is true, I think, but so far from where I was then that I couldn’t even parse it. (And my parents have their own story—it goes back and back.)

I became a teenager during the pre-AIDS ’70s, when sex was everywhere, seen simply as goodness. And as cool. I wanted to be cool. I read a lot of D.H. Lawrence, especially Lady Chatterley’s Lover; Germaine Greer’s The Female Eunuch; and Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. Drunk, I finished off my virginity at 15 on a grassy lawn on a May night, to get it over with. I didn’t have an orgasm with another human being in the room till I was 28.

That’s where I started. I think it helps in a way, to start from next to nothing. I created my sexuality myself, from bare earth—from lust, which I had a lot of, and from reading. For Yourself, a book by Lonnie Barbach, saved my life. It teaches women how to have orgasms, first alone and then with a partner. I got my partner John to work through the exercises with me. I’d broken up my previous relationship over not having orgasms with the guy—and I let him take the blame for it, when somewhere inside (though I didn’t want to know this) I knew it was me.

It was hard to ask for help. When John said, “Sure!” I was shocked. And happy. (And scared, of course.) I had felt so broken, for so long.

Exploring kink came later. I’m a switch, though being a sadist and a domme feels safer to me for the simplest of reasons—because I drive then, and I trust me. I don’t necessarily trust you. But for me, nothing came from the intellect, though the reading part may make it sound like it. My drive and my search came from below—hunger for something I could name but didn’t understand in my body. I stumbled into everything, and slowly. I had to tear down my act to myself that I was sexually knowledgeable and cool, and my act for my partners, who never asked for it, and be honest with myself. A practice I’m not always good at, though I hope I’m getting better.

And here I am. I don’t have a shingle out, but in a way I’m a sexual healer, in the realm where sexuality meets the emotions and spirit. I can do that because I walked that path myself. With armfuls of help from partners, therapy, and books, I healed myself.

I’m still charting my sexuality. Some realms still belong only to the dragons. But I have found really good sex—sex where I lose my boundary and become part of the other person and the universe. I found romantic love, one of the things I longed for most. And, not looking for it, I found bliss. For me, the way to the spirit is through the body, and the best way to see the face of the universe naked is sex and BDSM with someone I love.”

 Posted by at 5:12 pm
  • Maren

    Ah wow, sweet Melanie, that was lovely said. You’ve been a mentor sexually, in a way for me in the past and I thank you deeply for that. Like my shade garden, planted with beautifully unfolding ferns, classic sweet woodruff, and intoxicating dark lillies — you are an awesome lady.

  • MistressDamiana

     Wow! I have to say it also, as this is an amazing piece of self reflection.

    Ok, I KNOW that you’re awesome and a wonderful writer and obviously you’re
    brave to share this, I am so blessed to know you!

    You have also been a huge influence on me, and I thank you for all of the insights
    and ‘aha moments’ that you helped uncover.

    I am so happy for you finding your partners and your bliss!

    Love and magick to you, lovely lady.
    Always, MD.