Driving home by myself today, I let my mind wander off on a fantasy where I was socializing with several people and things got sexual. We discovered that everyone was fairly submissive by nature except me. I was the most dominant person in the room so everyone looked to me for direction. A whole room full of people just waiting for me to give them sexual instruction! All the way home I amused myself by daydreaming about what I would have them do, to each other and to me. This is a great fantasy. Why did it take me so long to realize that I was a Top?!?
Of course, Topping is more than what you do. It’s impossible to tell from the outside what is happening inside sex. When I’ve bottomed to Joel, I still tell him what I’d like to have him do. I always have instructions about how the bondage ought to look. When we’ve role-played in a sexual context, we’ve discussed our roles and basic story line prior to engaging. I want to feel like I’m consenting to everything we do, which means having an idea of where we’re going. So even though I may look like I’m in agony while Joel has me bound and he flogs me, the reality is probably that it was my idea, I’m tied up because I like to struggle, I’m screaming because I’m using the flogging to release some emotion, and he will stop on a dime if I give the word. I may look submissive, but I’m not. I just enjoy certain activities and the energy between Joel and me. Does that make me a bottom?
I’m struggling with what it means to be a Top. My interpretation is that it means that I’m in charge of the sexual interaction – I perform the actions in order to provoke the bottom’s reactions. I control the energy of our scene. I decide how things will run and where we’ll end up. But that doesn’t mean that my bottom is powerless. In a way, I am acting in service to the bottom, providing an experience that they want and desire. The whole process is a dance of trust. As a Top I am accepting the bottom’s gift of giving themselves and in return, I give all of myself over to creating a scene that meets their needs. Maybe it’s a terribly embodied form of therapy.
I worry a lot about being worthy of that trust. My actions while Topping often look similar to abuse from the outside. As the survivor of a fair amount of abuse, I want to make sure that I never, ever become an abuser. I know I have it in me, but it’s so not who I choose to be. I’m very cautious in my Topping not to cause harm, physically or emotionally. Yet even that can be fuzzy because guess who decides if something is harmful? Yep, the bottom.
I used to tell Harold and Melanie that I was submissive and they would laugh at me and shake their heads. They were right, I’ve never been good at being submissive. I’m confrontational and belligerent when Topped. I like being tied up just because I like to escape. But does not being a bottom automatically make me a Top? I don’t think so, but I think that over the past 3 years I’ve slowly become a fantastic fucking Top, at least for Harold. We’ve built up an enormous amount of trust in each other. I’ve been given permission to take things at my own pace. I’ve learned mad skills. Most of all, I’ve come to trust myself.
I can string Harold up so he’s immobilized. I can tie up his balls and secure them to an eyebolt in the floor. I can whisper things in his ear and bite his lip. I can put clips on his nipples. I can torture him to the edge of his endurance, and maybe just a touch beyond. I can give him electrical shocks. I can suck his cock. I can tease him. I can do all of the things he loves, even if it looks like they’re really hurting him.
Because I am, actually, a Top. Despite my misgivings and fear, this is part of who I am. And I love it.