May 312011

Yin-yangI’ve had a revelation. It’s nothing that millions of people haven’t already discovered – some of them at least once a week. But I feel changed. I have found balance and bliss. And about damn time, too.

It happened on my date with Harold. We were concerned about having penetrative sex because I’ve been bleeding profusely and just got it stopped. I would have risked it anyway, but I’m not one to interrupt the flow of something good. So, we were debating different options and I was having fun tormenting Harold’s cock and balls. Then he was past articulate thought, except for begging for my cunt.

I had some vague thought of pushing Harold to the edge of orgasm over and over then riding him until he came. I may have managed to bring him right up to the edge a couple of times before conceding to his wish that I straddle his face. Now, I love receiving oral sex, but 69 tends to drive me wild because I can’t concentrate on myself or my partner fully. I tend not to come. I lose track of what I’m doing. Essentially, I can’t focus enough to be a control freak.

I don’t know what was different about today. Perhaps it was feeling Harold’s excitement. Or the fact that most of our sex lately has been in public and today we were alone. Or maybe it was just time for me to be enlightened. Whatever it was, as I lay down on top of him and his tongue made contact with my clit, it was like closing an electrical circuit. I took his cock in my mouth. It felt so good. No, it felt perfect.

I still thought that I would stop at some point and we would fuck. Then I came. And came again. And I stopped thinking anything. I was all nerve endings. Harold had his arms wrapped tight around my back. I squeezed his balls and sucked his cock, moaning and writhing back and forth. Everything felt divine. I suddenly understood why Zeus shows up as a shaft of golden light when he seduces girls in those myths. I was a shaft of golden light. In a path from mouth to cunt.

It was one of those moments that you hope will last forever but you desperately strive to pass on the way to the goal. If I had been capable of thought I would have gotten up and fucked him hard. But we were in a zone. All was warmth and light. Everything opened up and I poured out. We came in each other’s mouths. Total balance and bliss.

So here’s my revelation: this is what the yin-yang symbol is all about. 69 even looks like a yin-yang. I’ve even thought about this in sexual terms before, but today I got it. I felt it. You have to give up control to achieve balance. The energy cycles through both people and builds, creating something more powerful than two individuals. Bliss.

This epiphany comes at a good time for me. I have been hurting so much emotionally that it’s hard for me to reach past myself to connect to someone else. I’ve been isolated. Not in any overt ways – just in the deep important ones. This golden bliss and balance gives me enough strength that I was able to talk to Harold about a relationship thing that’s been between us for weeks, deepening our connection when I feel heard and important. But I had to give up my desire to control the conversation.

All in all, I feel more whole. I won’t be looking at yin-yang symbols the same after this. I hope the sight fills me with a shaft of golden light, reminding me of electric sex and both of us filling each other’s mouths with come at the same time, balance and bliss.

May 302011

RoseI like to think that from time to time I do the work of a sacred whore: that is, I use a combination of sex, body work and counseling to help someone resolve issues that are troubling them. I’m not a therapist, so this kind of work is very spiritual and intuitive for me, and requires that I have a real connection with the person in question if we’re going to create real change.

I know from my own experience that touch can be amazingly healing, though, especially for the issues that people hold in their bodies. So many people just want to feel love and connection, and they honor me when they open up their emotions to me. I try to offer a safe place for them to practice being themselves in an intimate setting. Energetically, the process feels like clearing snags out of a river and helping everything flow.

Normally, I can’t help my partners in this way because I’m too close – my emotions are engaged and my own stuff comes up. I need to maintain a working relationship. I’m clear on my boundaries, so even though healing may involve sexual energy, it is not a romantic relationship.

Yet somehow, Harold and I manage to do this kind of healing for each other. We’re both called to it. To supplement my conventual therapy, Harold has used sexual energy to help me work through a mess of stuff very quickly over the past 2.5 years. As a practitioner, it’s been interesting being on the other end of sacred sexual healing. I can throw myself into it fairly easily. I have faith in Harold and the methodology. I’ve been able to use my body’s responses as clues to my puzzle. I’ve been able to clear my own blockages and restore flow, often with Harold pointing out problem areas. I do the same for him.

Someday I’d really like to find a way to do this kind of work with couples, especially to help people navigate life transitions, like the birth of a child or menopause — times when old issues tend to arise and things shift. In the stress of such transitions, couples sometimes even decide to separate over matters that manifest as sexual. I think I can help couples get to the true origin of these issues and re-kindle the connection between them.

I’m drawn to guide and heal in this way in part because it makes me so happy when the people I help have happy endings themselves. Right now I am full of joy for someone I worked with for over 3 years: Finally, he’s getting exactly what he wanted.

May 272011

Reaching for helpBeing married to two men (emotionally, if not legally) has gotten to feel very normal and natural. Sometimes polyamory has it’s challenges but mostly it feels like monogamy with more advantages. I guess what I’m saying is that my life is just like everyone else’s. I just have more people’s feelings to factor in. The up side is that I’ve got more people watching my back.

I’m happy when things all work out. This morning I was feeling bad – low self esteem, under the weather, struggling with the implications of having a tubal ligation, coming down from last weekend. It’s also my son’s 10th birthday which seems very momentous. All these things conspired to make me an emotional basket-case. I tried talking to Harold about where I was and what I thought would help but I wasn’t in a place to be skillful. It just triggered his emotional hang-ups.

So there we were, both feeling horrible and completely unable to communicate with each other. Then Joel called. He was able to get to the heart of how I was feeling and let me know that I was not alone. I talked to him about the troubles Harold and I were having. He made it clear that he loves us both and that we needed to be good to each other. He asked to speak to Harold. I waited nervously for them to be done. I talked to Joel again. He told me that I needed to hug Harold, which was funny because Harold was already hugging me. Joel told us both that we needed to hug each other frequently throughout the day and verbally express love and support. He called it aggressive hug therapy.

It actually worked. When Joel checked up on us a couple hours later we were both feeling better. Joel’s advice let us talk through a situation that we were otherwise mired in. This is what’s so amazing about polyamory. Where two people might get stuck, sometimes three (or four) people can fly through.

Escaping the cageMelanie and I often corner Harold when we’re both having the same kind of relationship problem with him. He’s more likely to listen if we both talk to him together. And tonight at my son’s birthday party when I was totally exhausted, Harold and Melanie were there to pick up the slack. Tomorrow Melanie wants to take the children to the zoo. Normally Harold and I are together on Saturdays during the day, but it’s totally to my advantage if I can get some time to myself.

It’s a bit of a balancing act. It isn’t perfect. Right now, I am just acknowledging how blessed I am. My polyamorous relationships enrich my life in countless ways. Either relationship would seem totally normal by itself (because it is), but having both men to love and love me and care for each other is exponentially fulfilling. It took feeling bad today to make me realize how good things really are.

May 252011

EvoëSometimes I lose sight of my vision. This week things have come together in such a way that I am reminded of why I do this work. Of my reasoning behind WholeSexLife as it will be when we launch the actual site. I want to eradicate sex abuse.

There’s a lot of fear around abuse. It’s occurred to me recently that real safety comes in knowing yourself and being very open about who you are. It’s somewhat counter-intuitive. When I’m scared I want to pull everything in close, but I know that self confidence is a huge deterrent to abuse. I don’t look like an easy mark. I won’t put up with any crap that isn’t good for me and I will actively seek out healthy relationships. When I am open about my sexuality I am establishing clear boundaries about what is acceptable to me. It lets others know that I don’t have any handles around stuff I haven’t worked through yet – no shame to be used against me.

I want our website to be a place where people can learn about themselves and explore their sexuality. It’s important that everyone feels safe. I want to make sure that we create a community and an environment where abusive or predatory behavior is not accepted in any way. In turn, I believe that WholeSexLife will reduce the number of abusers out there. I think that many abusers become so because they are repressed and don’t have an outlet to learn about themselves.

I think it’s time for everyone to feel good about themselves as a sexual being and feel free to express that in positive ways. It’s also time for us as a society to demand safety, to demand an end to sex abuse, to demand culture that supports healthy sexuality. Let it start right here.

May 242011

sexy plantWe made a trip into town to see Susie Bright talk about sex positive parenting Sunday night. Melanie and Harold and I went because our family values both sex and good parenting. Sexuality is an important aspect of everyone’s lives and we want our children to have a sexuality that is as healthy as the rest of them. We also want to keep our own sex lives going rather than letting our identities as parents subsume our adult pleasures. We want to find a balance that’s good for everybody.

The class gave me a lot to think about, but mostly was affirming that we do a fabulous job as sex positive parents. Like the way that we create space for each couple to have time alone with each other – each week we have child-free date time set aside. This is hugely important and worth the hassle and expense. It’s not even necessarily about sex. It’s about having fun together as a couple and prioritizing the relationship.

We also try to make sure that everyone has some alone time, even the children. At this point our 14-year-old especially needs time to herself. The adults have a harder time taking time for themselves, but it’s so important. I don’t think Harold hardly ever masturbates any more because he just doesn’t have enough alone time. I have one evening a week alone and that’s time that I enjoy. I do tend to masturbate, but I also do things like read or dream or watch movies or write or just plain space off. It’s time for me to be me. Sometimes it’s hard for me to be alone because I’m not used to it, but I’m coming to treasure it.

Another thing we do well with our children is to talk to them. We talk about everything – art, literature, world events, mathematics, drugs, school, their friends, and anything they’re interested in. Including sex. Susie pointed out that you can’t help talking about sex if you talk about everything. It’s true. Our children feel very comfortable talking to us about sex or anything. I like that they bring me their concerns.

The last thing that Susie mentioned is not to hit your kids. This seems obvious to me. But when I thought about it, parents who are abusive to their children are creating a relationship in which children are unable to form a healthy attachment. This carries forward to their adult relationships. I can say from experience that it causes all kinds of problems. So yes, we are aware of the dangers of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and we protect our children.

We talked in class about what things our parents did well around sex that we would like to continue to do with our own children. And then what they did that was awful and we are determined not to pass down to our children. It’s very emotional to think about. So much of our sex culture is taken from our parents when we were young. Think about it. Think about what you would pass on and what you refuse to do the way your parents did.

sexy plantUltimately I am pleased at how well we do by our children around sex. We’re careful not to over-share about our sex lives, because they don’t actually want to know, but we are openly affectionate with each other in front of them. I think that even if we didn’t ever talk to them about sex, it would be enough for them to see us be openly in love with each other. All of the hows and whats of sex are just details. I want my babies to know in their souls that sex is about connection.

Our larger culture is slowly changing. More people are thinking about how to parent in a sex-positive manner. Already things are more open than they were a couple generations back. Join us, it doesn’t take much: respect, privacy, open communication, and no abuse. Be a sex positive parent!

May 222011

I’ve decided to spend most of today in bed. I’ve earned it with my wild weekend and I have to remind myself that I’m still healing from surgery 4 days ago. I’d like to say that I’m having a crazy sexy time, but most of that is going on in my mind, not my body, as I process through the incredible amount of input I’ve gotten over the past two days.

Evoë reading her poemMostly, it’s been SEAF – the Seattle Erotic Art Festival. What an amazing experience! I feel very lucky to have participated this year, both as an artist and as an attendee. I’m blown away with how engaging this year’s festival is. There is the visual art – fantastic artists like David Steinberg, Michael Rosen, Patti Beadles, Charles Davis, Mina Bast, and Jeff Hengst. And there was way more, those are just a few that particularly caught my attention. Then there was the literary art. I got to do my first poetry reading. People asked me to sign their copy of the book. And the people I heard read are all so good. I was particularly impressed with (and maybe crushing on a little) Kyle Jones. It’s so fulfilling to be surrounded by people who not only think a lot about sex, but craft their thoughts into beautiful concepts, wielding words like hammers or paintbrushes. I can feel it go right through me.

All of this would have been enough to have me reeling for days, but there was more. Like the Queeriodic Table, modeled after the periodic table and full of good words to describe any point on the Queer spectrum. I found a new word for myself (I love new words!): I am a futch. Like femme-butch. It can mean both at once, or alternating. I can’t decide if I like it better than boi. I suppose I can use both!

Evoë signing the SEAF anthologyAnd La Figa was there, covering gorgeous bodies with luscious food and handing out samples. A couple danced the tango amidst the art. There were boxes mixed in with the visual art that featured scents. There were so many great displays and decorations, so much to take in. Perhaps my favorite joy was seeing the wild outfits people wore to feel sexy, as wildly divergent as their sexual predilections.  It was all there – from street hooker to drag queen to kilt to The Matrix, to practically naked, to elegant, to metallic, to feathers, to robotic, to rave – everyone was showing off in all their splendor. It was very difficult for me to not touch or put it in my mouth.

Outside of SEAF I had a few notable  experiences. Harold and I had sex in front of about 30 people who all paid admission. Okay. Truthfully, we were models for a workshop that David Steinberg taught about taking erotic photographs of couples. It was an interesting experience. The workshop itself was a lot of useful information about the kind of photography I want to be doing. Then the demo part happened and Harold and I made love in the center of a big room with people all around. It was easier than it sounds. I mostly closed my eyes and shut out everything but Harold. I was occasionally aware of David taking pictures, but mostly not. I had a few momentary thoughts of sucking in my gut to look good, but I quickly let that go. The most important thing was to be real in my love for Harold. I’ll be curious how the photos come out!

Joel rocking out with his cock outI also had a weird experience where I offered to publicly support a new non-profit organization that fights for the rights of sex workers, only to be told no thanks because I’m only a sexuality blogger, not a sex worker. I thought the whole point of working toward rights for sex workers is to make people aware that not all sex workers are street walkers. People make a living through sex in many different ways and they are all subject to discrimination. Sorry, I think you’re missing the point – I hope you get it figured out.

It’s just been an incredible weekend. I’ve met so many fascinating people, many of whom I hope to work with in the near future. And the weekend’s not over yet – this evening I’ll get out of bed to go see Susie Bright with Melanie and Harold. No rest for the wicked!

May 202011

Susie and daughter, ArethaWhat can I say about Susie Bright? She’s the reason that I can do the work that I do today. She’s been prominent as a sex-positive feminist since the 1970’s. She does an amazing amount in the field of sex – writing, editing, activism, educating, and performing. She’s also a mother (her daughter is graduating from college!) Susie Bright’s tireless work has given countless others permission to talk about sex in a frank and forthright manner. Her intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, and brilliance make a strong case for sexual sanity. Basically, she rocks, and I admire her greatly.

So I was super excited to see that Susie is making an appearance in Seattle this weekend. Even more stoked when she agreed to answer a few questions for us…

WholeSexLife is dedicated to helping women normalize sex in an integrated way. As a long-time sex-positive activist, you’ve surely seen progress toward this goal. What is the biggest challenge we still face?

“Well, I hate to sound so dire right off the bat, but the dramatic decline in American education and democracy have engendered a stupidity, incuriousity, suspiciousness, and elitism that is truly reactionary.  Things we thought were “in the bag” a decade or two ago are now up for debate again. Backlash is a bitch. When I started surveying young women in the early 80s, 18-20% of them had never had an orgasm. That’s now up to a third.”

This weekend, you’re speaking about positive sexuality and parenting. Many parents seem to approach the teenage years of their children’s lives with particular trepidation, and seem to have forgotten that one of the most important goals of adolescence is to embrace sexuality.  How can parents best help their kids meet this complex, dangerous and joyful challenge?

“By the time they’re teenagers, you’re reaping what you’ve sown. If your kids talk to you about the news, popular culture, the things they notice around them, sex is obviously going to enter those conversations, and it will be as natural as anything else.

“If you’ve taught your kids to think critically, to be resourceful, to question authority, to nuture themselves, to have privacy… it really pays off in the teenage years. That’s the balance they’ll need when they feel “impulsive,” which is the main thing parents worry about. Hopefully you let them be impulsive about little things, so it all doesn’t build up and explode in your face. And… when it does… forgiveness and compassion go a long way.”

You’ve been Susie Sexpert for many years. Is there anything left that you haven’t tried but still fantasize about? Anything you’re still embarrassed to talk about?

“The list of things I’m embarrassed about could go on for pages! I’m still shy, I still wonder “what was I thinking?” all the time. If I was your teenager, you’d be screaming at me for leaping before I look. I like
to be surprised. I hope there are some great surprises left.

“Perhaps you wish I’d  say something like: “Vicodin and whipped cream, German riding ponies, five-at-once,” but really, that’s not how my sex mind works. —Okay, actually the Vicodin and whipped cream sounds pretty good.”


If you’d like to meet Susie Bright in person you have two opportunities in Seattle:

Sex-Positive Parenting:  How Raising Kids Changes Your Sex Life… and Foretells Theirs
Seattle Babeland
Sunday, May 22, 07:30- 9PM, $40

Susie Bright opens up the sexual revolution of parenthood. What’s a sex-positive mom and dad to do? There’s your own life as a lover and a parent— and then there’s seeing your children develop their own sexual perceptions and values.

Yes, this IS the place to talk about things you won’t hear on Oprah! There’s physical and practical information to share, and emotional and ethical questions that can’t be ignored.

What are the most important things you can do, as a parent, to give your children sexual sanity? How do you nurture and enjoy your own mojo as the years go by?

Join us for this discussion. Susie Bright is the author of Big Sex Little Death: a Memoir, Mommy’s Little Girl: On Sex, Motherhood, Porn, & Cherry Pie, and a Jezebel sex advice columnist with her daughter, Aretha.


Tuesday, 05/24/2011 7:00 pm
Reading, Discussion, Signing with Susie Bright

Big Sex Little Death: A Memoir

“I have a very, very scary feeling Susie Bright is not making any of this up. Guns, drugs, threesomes, socialist factionalism, a stabbing…all before she got her G.E.D.?

—Alison Bechdel, author of Fun Home

“Susie is a national treasure. Big Sex Little Death is subtle, hot, enthralling, raw and tender.  Just like her.”

—Josh Marshall, Editor and Publisher, Talking Points Memo

“Susie Bright is a one-woman counterculture. In this lively, bittersweet memoir, she recounts a life full of political and erotic adventures and betrayals, a life at once deeply subversive and totally American, defined as it is by the idea that people should be free to express and pursue their own visions of happiness, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the prigs and scolds among us.”

—Tom Perrotta, author of Little Children, The Abstinence Teacher

May 192011

No hair product, no make-up, no contactsYou know how after a really kinky sex scene you kind of take stock of your body and think about all the wild stuff you did with a feeling of awe and mild disbelief? And then the next morning you take stock again only to notice that you have weird stuff in your hair and bruises in places you hadn’t noticed? Yep, that’s how I’m feeling this morning, the day after surgery.

Yesterday I had a tubal ligation and had my IUD removed.

I was feeling dubious when we left the house – per instruction: well washed, no conditioner or hair product, no make-up, no contact lenses, no food for many hours, no jewelry. Okay, I fudged on that last one. I removed everything but the nipple piercings and the nose ring. I had a reader educate me on why the jewelry needs to come out (wearing metal jewelry can possibly lead to burns from an electrocautery unit and/or there can be bacteria under or around jewelry), but I still wasn’t willing to have my nipples close up. So, I damped down my panic and we drove to the hospital, even though I was pretty sure I was going to die.

Good thing the hospital knows their stuff. Things went smoothly every step of the way. My fears that I would be treated as a thing rather than a person were unfounded. The staff was very respectful. I was amused that Harold was consistently referred to as my “significant other” until I mentioned that I had 5 children and then he was my husband. I kept saying partner.

Evoë taping her nipplesThe jewelry wasn’t a problem. I just covered it with paper tape. Sure, that meant that I had tape up my nose, but it was worth it. Harold wore some tape on his face in a show of solidarity.

My doctor is awesome. She reminds me of Helen Mirren – professional, competent, intelligent, sexy, and with a sense of humor. She is very caring as well (not to be taken for granted in a doctor!). I have been very upfront about my anxieties and where they come from and she has never missed an opportunity to pat my arm in a comforting manner. I am impressed by health care providers who aren’t afraid to make physical contact with their patients. To continue casting my tubal ligation movie, my anesthesiologist would be George Takei. Evidently good drugs cause me to become a director.

This procedure was different from anything I’ve done in the past in that I walked into the surgery room all on my own and helped them get me situated. My doctor waited with a toasty warm blanket. They put cuff-like things on my legs to help the blood circulate while I was under. They put the arm with the IV out to one side. Obviously under the influence of George Takei’s happy juice (yes, he called it that) I thought, “I’m like Jesus.” I stared up at the ceiling dimly aware of all of the bustle around me. As the mouth piece for the gas was coming toward me I was thinking, “This is a really kinky scene for a grrrl with a medical fetish.”

Evoë's uterus with cauterized tubesI woke up somewhere else. Everything was fuzzy because I didn’t have my glasses. I actually woke up badly, coming up out of a nightmare and finding myself someplace unexpected. I started shaking hard. A nurse came and put something in my IV for anxiety, put stuff on my lips, and brought more warm blankets. As far as I’m concerned, warm blankets are the single redeeming feature of hospitals. I want an unending supply of warm blankets in my home.

From there I went to final recovery. My throat hurt worse from intubation than my abdomen did from the surgery. They brought me apple sauce and tons of juice, which I devoured, diet be damned. The nurse there was a solid type with a hickey on her neck and she told me that I looked really good, even if I didn’t lose any more weight. I’m flattered. They gave me sexy tear-away boy shorts to wear home, even though I brought my version of granny panties – full bottomed red underwear with a fishnet pattern. I’ll make an awesome granny some day.

And then I was done. They carted me out to Harold waiting with the car. Of course it was rush hour by then, so I convinced him to feed me at a nearby Ethiopian restaurant, which I thought was better than starving while stuck in traffic.

The down side is that I’m 5 pounds heavier this morning. I’m going to blame being pumped full of fluids and gas and assume that it will work itself out. It’s been weird assessing my body for damage and finding random forgotten probes stuck under my breast and such. My belly button is gory looking, all bruised lovely colors and bleeding a bit still.

Belly button with bruisingMy discharge paperwork says no sex for 1 week. The nurse crossed it off and said 2 weeks. She seemed to assume that I would be grateful. Like I wouldn’t feel like having sex ever again. I didn’t have the heart to try to explain that I masturbated in the shower just before going to the hospital because it calms me down and makes me feel good. I like sex. I’m going to be having sex a whole lot sooner than 2 weeks from now. And not all sex is penetrative anyway.

Now I’m lying out nude in the sun, relaxing. I’m not very good at it, the relaxing. I’ve some brought stuff to do. The pain meds do help me take it easy. I’m just thankful that everything went so well. I have survived surgery and now have more fuel for my medical fantasies!

May 172011

Ask me about my tubal litigationI’m going in for surgery tomorrow. I’m a bit freaked out. I’m getting my tubes tied. A tubal ligation.

I’ve known that this is what I wanted to do for a while now, but I’ve been waiting for the right time. The surgery itself is no big deal – just a tiny incision under my belly button and they cauterize my fallopian tubes so no more eggs can get fertilized. Simple in-and-out day surgery. I’ll be fine in a couple of days.

I’m freaking for a several reasons. One is that the hospital has a bunch of rules that make no sense to me and I am disinclined to follow. For example, my nipple piercings are not coming out. They have religious significance. But I’m such a rule follower that I’m having fits.

Two is related to being unconscious in a room full of strangers. Because of my sexual abuse history, this idea is very unsettling. I’m having troubles accepting that it will be okay. I asked if Harold could be in the surgery room with me, but they would have to have another staff person for him, so no. I’m finding it impossible to trust that they will take good care of my body while I’m not in it. And in fact, they are putting me under anesthesia because they need to do things that will hurt my body. I’m having troubles reconciling it, but when I explained to my doctor, she was very understanding.

Three is the procedure itself. I’m making a permanent alteration to my body that will make it so I can no longer have babies. On the surface, this is great. I’ve had my babies, I’m done. I don’t want to worry about it any more. I want to stop messing around with differently inadequate forms of birth control. This will be amazing. But… There is some small part of me wondering if I’ll still be a woman after I no longer have the ability to get pregnant. I’ve spent a lot of time reproducing. How will a tubal ligation change me?

A few days ago I asked Harold if he would stay with me if I had a sex change. I’ve been thinking about transgendered issues a lot lately. He said that he would – that he would still love me, but that we wouldn’t be together in the same way. I think that on some level I was asking about me getting my tubes tied, although of course that’s a different question. Ultimately, I do know I will still be a female, but I don’t know exactly how this procedure will change me. And I don’t exactly identify as a woman anyway.

Evoë feeling anxious about surgeryWhat I believe is this: cutting off my physical creative energy will free up my artistic creative energy. On a practical level, this is true. If I spend the necessary time procreating and raising children, I have less time for creative pursuits. On a more woo-woo level, I believe that every body has an urge to reproduce and if you let the body know physically that the reproductive phase is over, then you can channel that creative energy to other things. I’m looking forward to a renewed sense of freedom, wisdom, and artistic vigor. As well as that great thing of not worrying about getting pregnant all of the time!

In the meantime, I’m still anxious. I even went to get a bikini wax because people would be looking. I’m kind of neurotic. I’m working through my worries. I’m advocating for myself with the healthcare machine. It will be okay. (But just in case, think good thoughts for me!)

May 152011

Fairy weddingToday is the first anniversary of my public commitment ceremony with Harold, where Joel and Melanie officiated. I’m sentimental and romantic. I like to acknowledge and celebrate everything. I’m not the kind of girl who expects gifts on her anniversary and feels hurt if he doesn’t remember. I just like looking back at the highlights and seeing where the path has led from that place. It’s a way of remembering the good things and measuring my progress.

Today’s anniversary got me thinking about the other important dates in my relationship with Harold. (I have a whole other set of dates I celebrate with Joel!) It amuses me to see how long Harold and I have been circling around each other. Around six years ago, Joel started inserting Harold into the fantasies he wove for me when we made love! Here are our mushy milestones…

October 1, 2005 – First time Harold brought me to orgasm. Harold and I had been flirting heavily and making out every chance we got. On this date, we were at a party at Harold and Melanie’s house and everyone was outside at the bonfire. Harold and I ended up in the kitchen alone together. We started kissing. I was pressed up against the kitchen counter. He pulled up my skirt and started rubbing my clit through my panties. It only took a few minutes for me to come, rather loudly. A friend walk through the kitchen right about that time, which made me laugh. It was fabulous.

Evoë in the sunApril 29, 2006 – First time I did CBT on Harold. We were at a sex party and Harold handed me one of his ball whackers. I blanched when he explained that he wanted me to hit him in the balls. I hadn’t known he was into having his balls hit. We hadn’t ever had that discussion. I told him that I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t hurt someone else, but I didn’t let go of the mallet. Harold slowly talked me through it and let me try a few slow hits. When Joel came to ask for my attention, I growled at him because I was so enthralled by CBT. That mallet is still my favorite CBT tool.

August 19, 2006 – First time Harold went down on me. Harold was talking about wanting to do more erotic photography so I volunteered to model. It was a beautiful warm sunny day and we took pictures in Harold’s back yard. It took me a little bit to warm up, but by the time we were in his treehouse everything was flowing. I was all naked and stretched out on a bench when Harold put down the camera and asked to lick my pussy. I was so surprised because I was in work mode, but honestly it was the start of how we work and make love now.

August 31, 2007 – Beginning of our committed relationship. This was the first time we actually were alone together for several hours in order to make love. We had all of the necessary discussions with our spouses. In fact, Melanie came home early from work to watch the kids when my babysitter fell through. My memory is that it was good, but not fantastic – that was the second time we had sex, when it was so amazing that using protection totally escaped us.

Harold and Evoë in FranceMarch 27, 2008 – Day our child was conceived. We were staying in the French countryside outside of Switzerland. We spent hours of that trip fucking in our little garret, but this particular time I knew it was right. We had been using condoms, but on this day Harold paused and we looked at each other. We both knew that we would make a baby. We were nervous because I had miscarried a few months before and we didn’t want the pain of that. So in this very long moment, we looked at each other and we told ourselves that we were sure. And we fucked without a condom.

Slow dancing during laborDecember 17, 2008 – Day our child was born. Her birth did not go as planned. Our home birth stretched past 24 hours of labor and became a hospital birth. It was many hours of nightmare for me, but we were all united together, the four of us as a team. In the wee morning hours our girl was born, changing everything. I had thought that I was giving Harold and Melanie something they wanted, but the truth was more profound and is still revealing itself to me. This is the day that our family was truly born.

August 31, 2009 – Harold and I made commitments to each other privately. We were on a backpacking trip at one of the prettiest places in the world, Goldmyer Hot Springs. While sitting in the hot springs, with the hummingbirds whirring and the river rushing, we pledged our love and our lives to each other. It was powerful and intense and changed our relationship. The seeds of WholeSexLife were also sown on this trip.

Evoë and Harold waiting at weddingMay 15, 2010 – Harold and I celebrated our commitment in a public ceremony. With 70 or 80 of our closest friends, we created a magical wedding. We dressed in fey finery and created a grove of sparkling trees in the backyard. It was fun and beautiful and we had Melanie and Joel to help us, as well as all seven of our children. It was important to me that we acknowledge our relationship publicly because I want everything that we would have if we were monogamous. It lets everyone see how normal it is and gives everyone permission to celebrate love. What can be better than that?

See, I get very sentimental about my relationships. I’m amazed at how many of my special dates mark something sexual! Time seems to go by so quickly, but I like to remember. I like to look forward as well, to all of the firsts and life events yet to come. It seems my life is made of joy.