May 272011

Reaching for helpBeing married to two men (emotionally, if not legally) has gotten to feel very normal and natural. Sometimes polyamory has it’s challenges but mostly it feels like monogamy with more advantages. I guess what I’m saying is that my life is just like everyone else’s. I just have more people’s feelings to factor in. The up side is that I’ve got more people watching my back.

I’m happy when things all work out. This morning I was feeling bad – low self esteem, under the weather, struggling with the implications of having a tubal ligation, coming down from last weekend. It’s also my son’s 10th birthday which seems very momentous. All these things conspired to make me an emotional basket-case. I tried talking to Harold about where I was and what I thought would help but I wasn’t in a place to be skillful. It just triggered his emotional hang-ups.

So there we were, both feeling horrible and completely unable to communicate with each other. Then Joel called. He was able to get to the heart of how I was feeling and let me know that I was not alone. I talked to him about the troubles Harold and I were having. He made it clear that he loves us both and that we needed to be good to each other. He asked to speak to Harold. I waited nervously for them to be done. I talked to Joel again. He told me that I needed to hug Harold, which was funny because Harold was already hugging me. Joel told us both that we needed to hug each other frequently throughout the day and verbally express love and support. He called it aggressive hug therapy.

It actually worked. When Joel checked up on us a couple hours later we were both feeling better. Joel’s advice let us talk through a situation that we were otherwise mired in. This is what’s so amazing about polyamory. Where two people might get stuck, sometimes three (or four) people can fly through.

Escaping the cageMelanie and I often corner Harold when we’re both having the same kind of relationship problem with him. He’s more likely to listen if we both talk to him together. And tonight at my son’s birthday party when I was totally exhausted, Harold and Melanie were there to pick up the slack. Tomorrow Melanie wants to take the children to the zoo. Normally Harold and I are together on Saturdays during the day, but it’s totally to my advantage if I can get some time to myself.

It’s a bit of a balancing act. It isn’t perfect. Right now, I am just acknowledging how blessed I am. My polyamorous relationships enrich my life in countless ways. Either relationship would seem totally normal by itself (because it is), but having both men to love and love me and care for each other is exponentially fulfilling. It took feeling bad today to make me realize how good things really are.