I think the worst feeling in the world is believing that your lover has rejected you. That’s where I was yesterday in the middle of my date with Harold – numb, sad, hurt, betrayed, and pissed off. It’s perhaps worse when you saw it coming, but your partner reassured you that it would all be okay. But how do you make it okay when you’ve opened all the way up, let him in, and he decides to change his mind. It’s a sucky place to be.
We did work it out. There was just that icky bit in the middle where I was sure I would never feel good again. I’d rather not even write about it, but I think it’s important to share because the whole thing had to do with me wanting to explore some of my deepest fantasies. It gets complicated because some of the things that deeply turn me on have to do directly with how I was sexually abused as a child or with shame and humiliation, which also have to do with abuse.
The actual things that I shyly revealed to Harold as things that drive me wild with desire are not very wild. It mostly involves being fucked by objects that are not a cock (yes, even a dildo) or having objects inserted into my vagina. I want to do this safely of course, but we could get pretty creative. The thing that’s pretty hot about this though, is that I do feel shame about being turned on. Now, that could feel bad – or we could totally use my feelings of shame for some sizzling hot sex. It’s a bit of a fine line.
Harold and I have been discussing some of this stuff for the past week. I had unconsciously decided that Harold wasn’t capable of doing what I wanted based on me trying to explain what I wanted months ago and getting what I felt was a negative response. Harold was appalled that I’ve been carrying that around and didn’t want there to be anything that we couldn’t do together. I agree and realized that I wasn’t giving him a chance. So yesterday we gave it a go.
In the loosest of terms, I want Harold to Top me. I’m a terrible bottom, but I don’t know how else to describe what I want. On the flip side, Harold thinks that I Top him well, but I just control the scene, not him. Mostly. I want Harold to do things to me, the way that I do to him. Unfortunately, that’s kind of vague. I’m not sure what kind of things to tell him to do. He’s the fucking Top, right? Can’t he just figure out what to do? Except, I’m fairly picky about what I don’t want. I clearly need to keep working through my desires so I can ask more clearly for what I want.
The other major issue is that Harold has been walking step by step through my painful healing process. He knows exactly what has been done to me. And he’s extremely empathetic. He has no problems putting himself in my place. Most of the time that’s helpful for me, but not here. This is why I haven’t tended to tell my partners details of the abuse. The last thing I want is for someone to be seeing that when they look at me. I am NOT a victim. Sadly, most of the time Harold was Topping me, he was thinking about my experiences and feeling revulsion for being like “them,” the bad guys. This let to a pretty horrible place between the two of us.
Harold had worked hard to get me to open up, to submit, to trust him. I did eventually give myself to him completely. We did do some things that were on my list, but I was having a hard time really getting into it. I wanted Harold to do more, get more into it, play me more. I did ask for something that I wanted, but he didn’t do it. Sooner that I wanted, he was fucking me. He came with a huge shout. I didn’t come at all. I was about to come with the vibrator when my daughter called. Fuck. Then Harold fell asleep.
I was in a bad way. I was all opened up. I put all of my secrets out there, but didn’t get them realized. I was in bottom space and feeling sort of disempowered but not cared for. We raised a bunch of energy and then I didn’t come. And Harold was asleep. Cue the terrible feelings.
Normally, we would just talk through it. Or we would refocus our energy and bring me to orgasm. But Harold was feeling emotional dissidence in his experience of Topping and then triggered because he feels like he can’t do anything right to take care of the women he loves. Strangely though, once he started talking about his emotions, I felt better. I saw that he wasn’t disgusted by me, which was my biggest fear. He wasn’t refusing to fulfill my fantasied. He also wasn’t rejecting or abandoning me. He just has his own shit.
So we ended up being closer. I don’t blame him. And I’m not giving up. It’s a relationship – we both bring stuff to it, good and bad. This is just going to take more work for us to get through than we expected. I’m going to keep fighting to understand my own sexuality, especially the stuff that’s dark. Harold has always been my flashlight in the darkness. I’m going to think of him as a Maglite rather than a riding crop. There’s room in my dungeon for that.