May 082011
 
Photo by Jennifer Loomis 2003

Photo by Jennifer Loomis 2003

Our culture seems to have an odd disconnect around a woman’s sexuality from the time she gets pregnant until her kids go to college. It’s like a girl can be wild demon in bed, but as soon as there’s a bun in the oven, she’s an untouchable saint. Then suddenly when the kids leave home, she’s on the prowl Mrs. Robinson style.

It’s true that pregnancy changes your relationship to your body. Often the first trimester comes with morning sickness and tender breasts. It can be disconcerting to have parts of your body that have been sexual up to that point suddenly become busy making a baby. But the second trimester can be an intensely sexual time for some women. The nausea abates, your curves are rockin’, and increased blood flow to the whole cunt area increases vaginal secretions. It’s a fabulous time for fucking and lovely intimacy with your partner. This can continue all the way to the birth, although the increasing size of the third trimester brings some difficulties in finding sexual positions that work. A creative couple can take that challenge as an opportunity to enhance their sex life. Even birth can have a sexual component. It might disturb some people to think of ecstatic birth, but our bodies are inherently sexual. Sex got the baby in there, sex will get it out. The hormones released by sexual pleasure in the mother are the same hormones she releases during labor. Our bodies are efficient!

Joel and Evoë, 2001. Photo by Audrey Kuether.

Joel and Evoë, 2001. Photo by Audrey Kuether.

I have five children and, for the most part, enjoyed being pregnant. I feel sexy with full curves – breasts, belly, and hips. It totally turns me on to know that my partner’s DNA is in there mixing with mine and creating life. I have had awesome sex while pregnant – deep, hot, connective love-making. The best part about sex while pregnant is that all of those subtle worries about getting pregnant are moot.

And sex doesn’t stop at birth. It can be difficult to adjust to a baby, but those same hormones that help moms bond with their babies are the hormones that create a loving connection between partners. I have been blessed to have an amazing partner who fully supported me in breast feeding. He did everything so that I could nurse our sons as long as possible – cooking, cleaning, helping the other children, bringing me water or books, anything. As a result, I felt very taken care of and full of love. That translated to a lot of sex whenever we managed to have the opportunity. I was blissed out on love (and oxytocin) for a couple of years and had great sex, not only with my husband, but also with other partners. Far from taking away my ability to parent, it added.

Having children old enough to kind of know what’s going on behind a closed bedroom door does tend to slow me down a bit. It means that I often find places other than home in which to fuck. But even if the children walked in on us, what’s the big deal? I would just say, “We were making love, Sweetie. The door was closed because we didn’t want to disturb you. Is there something I can help you with?” Kids don’t care, they just want to be taken care of.

I imagine that if you’ve spent your child’s whole life denying your sex drive then watching that child leave for college might feel like a starting pistol. I haven’t felt it myself. I haven’t started going after my daughter’s friends. Maybe it’s just that I still have kids at home, but I suspect it’s because I’m wild enough already.

Evoë, 2008

Evoë, 2008

The MILF (mother I’d like to fuck) movement tends to annoy me because it skips the more important demographic of “mothers who like to fuck”. What about them? That interests me more. Still, the good thing about MILF’s is that it’s normalizing mothers as sexual beings. Because actually, the thing you know for certain about a woman who has had a child, is that she’s had sex. At least once. And you might have a chance.

Motherhood is a beautiful, amazing, frustrating, rewarding, challenging, incredible journey. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’d probably take my children over my partners if forced to choose. But I know that I don’t have to give up any part of who I am to be a good mom. In fact, a few good orgasms makes me love everyone even more. So for Mother’s Day, and every day, I wish you great sex and many happy  returns.