I’ve known that this is what I wanted to do for a while now, but I’ve been waiting for the right time. The surgery itself is no big deal – just a tiny incision under my belly button and they cauterize my fallopian tubes so no more eggs can get fertilized. Simple in-and-out day surgery. I’ll be fine in a couple of days.
I’m freaking for a several reasons. One is that the hospital has a bunch of rules that make no sense to me and I am disinclined to follow. For example, my nipple piercings are not coming out. They have religious significance. But I’m such a rule follower that I’m having fits.
Two is related to being unconscious in a room full of strangers. Because of my sexual abuse history, this idea is very unsettling. I’m having troubles accepting that it will be okay. I asked if Harold could be in the surgery room with me, but they would have to have another staff person for him, so no. I’m finding it impossible to trust that they will take good care of my body while I’m not in it. And in fact, they are putting me under anesthesia because they need to do things that will hurt my body. I’m having troubles reconciling it, but when I explained to my doctor, she was very understanding.
Three is the procedure itself. I’m making a permanent alteration to my body that will make it so I can no longer have babies. On the surface, this is great. I’ve had my babies, I’m done. I don’t want to worry about it any more. I want to stop messing around with differently inadequate forms of birth control. This will be amazing. But… There is some small part of me wondering if I’ll still be a woman after I no longer have the ability to get pregnant. I’ve spent a lot of time reproducing. How will a tubal ligation change me?
A few days ago I asked Harold if he would stay with me if I had a sex change. I’ve been thinking about transgendered issues a lot lately. He said that he would – that he would still love me, but that we wouldn’t be together in the same way. I think that on some level I was asking about me getting my tubes tied, although of course that’s a different question. Ultimately, I do know I will still be a female, but I don’t know exactly how this procedure will change me. And I don’t exactly identify as a woman anyway.
What I believe is this: cutting off my physical creative energy will free up my artistic creative energy. On a practical level, this is true. If I spend the necessary time procreating and raising children, I have less time for creative pursuits. On a more woo-woo level, I believe that every body has an urge to reproduce and if you let the body know physically that the reproductive phase is over, then you can channel that creative energy to other things. I’m looking forward to a renewed sense of freedom, wisdom, and artistic vigor. As well as that great thing of not worrying about getting pregnant all of the time!
In the meantime, I’m still anxious. I even went to get a bikini wax because people would be looking. I’m kind of neurotic. I’m working through my worries. I’m advocating for myself with the healthcare machine. It will be okay. (But just in case, think good thoughts for me!)