Jun 302011

I’ve tried out a wide variety of water based lubes. You can read my original reviews here and here. But things sometimes change with further exploration. Now that I’ve played around with what works best for me, I’ve come to realize that one lubricant is not enough. I never used to use lube at all! I’m amused to see that I’m using 3 different lubes, for different purposes.

These are my current lubes of choice:

Sliquid Sassy Booty Formula

Sliquid Sassy BootyWe’ve been using Sassy pretty extensively for months and I’m impressed with it. It doesn’t have a scent or taste. It cleans up easily, yet has excellent slip. My delicate system has never reacted to this lube, and although I originally thought that Harold might find it stingy, we haven’t had any problems since. As the name suggests, Sassy Booty was designed for anal play, and it works very well. I like that it’s a little bit thicker – I hate it when I pour lube into my hand and it runs between my fingers. Sassy Booty’s just a perfect lube for me. I use it for nearly all occasions. I just bought a big bottle (8.5 ounces) for only $13 online, so I’m happy with the price.

Pink H2O

Pink H2O packetsSometimes I need my lube to be more portable. Perhaps I want to carry some in my purse along with condoms and gloves to be ready for any event without the any messy spills, or take some on a backpacking trip, or keep some in the glove box for spontaneous car sex. Life is unpredictable and I try to be prepared so that the wild moments are pleasant. For these times, I use single-sized packets of Pink H2O. It’s runnier than Sassy and gets a bit tacky with friction, but it doesn’t taste bad or smell funny. It does contain parabens, which some people are allergic to, but I tolerate it well. Most importantly, for an on-the-go lube, Pink cleans up nicely, absorbing into the skin. It even makes skin softer with it’s aloe vera! I found sample packets online for about $0.55 each. Totally worth it.

Hathor Aphrodisia lubricant pure

Hathor Aphrodisia lubricant pureI first reviewed this product in terms of myself. I am one of the few rare people that has a negative reaction to this lube (which makes me sad because I love the company) so I discounted the lube as a viable option. It turns out, Harold really liked Lubricant Pure! He likes the erection enhancing properties – kind of like a topical viagra. I will confess to enjoying his rock hard erections myself – just not as part of intercourse. So we’ve come to an accommodation that makes us both happy. We use this lube in a male masturbatory way, when we know that we aren’t going to want penetrative sex. Yes, that happens. Occasionally. There is an increasing market for jacking off lube. Harold and I tried out Boy Butter and 29 Whacks which are both on that end. And truthfully, Harold will likely be able to use Lubricant Pure with Melanie without any problems, and he can certainly use  it to beat off. My experience giving Harold a hand-job with Hathor Aphrodisia’s lube was that I could get him hard and bring him to orgasm two times in 2 hours – something I gather is unusual for most men in their 60’s. So Harold had no compunctions purchasing more of this lube directly off of their website for $28 for 8 ounces.

Those are my three top picks: Sassy Booty for all around goodness, Pink H2O for on-the-go, and Hathor Aphrodisia for ho-my-god hard hand-jobs. I had foolishly thought that one lube would fit all occasions, but this is so much more fun!

Jun 292011

Bound in the forestI feel like a huge weight has been removed from my chest and throat. Tension I didn’t even know I was carrying has lessened enough to for me to feel lighter. And yet, I kind of feel like my date with Harold yesterday was not fully successful because we didn’t have sex.

Thing is, we decided to dedicate the afternoon to letting me talk through some of the last awful bits of my childhood abuse. We’ve made to the very darkest recesses of my psyche, but it’s by far the hardest. I’ve been doing my best to avoid dealing with it at all. Truthfully, I don’t have to do this work, but I want to be fully myself and fully as powerful as I can be. I don’t want to be wasting my energy coping, when I can just do the work and come to accommodation with my past. The abuse will always be a part of where I come from. It doesn’t have to be who I am.

So, with some trepidation, Harold and I had our date. We started by taking a long bath – talking and relaxing. Then we moved to the bed where Harold brought me to orgasm with his tongue and fingers. I was really getting off on the pain of having my nipples pinched. I wanted it harder and harder. After I finished coming, held tight in his arms, we could have fucked. But we didn’t. I just wasn’t feeling it.

Instead, I started talking. And crying. I think I cried for three hours straight. Maybe four hours. Harold just held the space, held me. I looked at some of the things that I’ve feared too much to bring into the light. I let go of all of my careful control. I let myself really feel all of the sadness and some of the anger. I went through nearly a whole box of tissues. Harold let me know how much I am loved.

All tied upI have an old deep fear of not being believed, of being thought crazy. Harold made it clear that he would love me even if I was totally crazy. He not only believes me, but is willing to walk through hell with me, step by step. He met every fear with support and slowly together we bridged the abyss. Eventually we emerged into the evening, tear-stained, snot-smeared warriors.

I wanted to make love on kind of an intellectual level, but I had to follow my instincts. I just wasn’t there. My love for Harold wanted to make him happy. I probably could have worked myself around to sex, but I gave myself some time off. Harold and I have never had to talk ourselves into sex. We will have more time, but letting myself feel this pain is a rare and hopefully short-lived occurrence. We will make love when everything flows. When the time is right. And I don’t have to make anything right by Harold.

What we did instead, was get into the shower. At first, I couldn’t. I was still so strongly in my past that flashbacks overwhelmed me. Then I stood in shower, hot spray hitting my chest, breasts, and belly, while tears continued to flow down my cheeks. I felt emptied, vacant without the knot of emotion in my core. My heart beat hard and fast against my chest, like a bird trapped in a cage. I could hear myself breathe. I looked up at Harold and said, “I don’t want this. I don’t want this to be my story. I don’t want this to be who I am.”

He wrapped his arms around me and spoke earnestly against my ear, “What you went through is a part of you. It’s where you’ve been. You need it, it’s important. But it doesn’t define you. You need to keep speaking it, because if you don’t give it words, it will keep haunting you. Don’t be afraid to tell it. Speak it over and over, until it isn’t the story of who you are, just part of your backstory.”

TrappedHe’s right. Words have the power to define thoughts and concepts. If I can define something, I can own it. The vague, fearful things that used to lurk in my basement can’t hurt me any more if I can speak them. I will own them – mine, not anyone else’s. This is the power of speaking my story.

Will you be brave enough to put words to your shadows and own them?

Jun 252011

Before you commit an act that will change your life and hers forever, I want you to think about a few things. I know that you are young and full of testosterone. In fact, testosterone is causing you to think about sex every 6 seconds, on average. Developmentally, at your age, your brain is not functioning well to assess risk. I know you’re worried about what your buddies think of you. I know that you think that you don’t have anything to lose. You are so wrong.

Sex is your birthright. You know that’s true, you can feel it in your body. And that’s correct. All people deserve to enjoy sex and all of the wonderful things that go with it. Even that girl you are about to force. She deserves to enjoy herself too. Don’t lie to yourself, thinking that she’ll like to be raped. That’s bullshit and you know it. You both deserve to freely feel pleasure in your bodies. You even deserve the deeper emotions that go with sex. You deserve to love and be loved.

Forcing yourself on a girl isn’t going to get you what you want. You think it will make you feel good and powerful. Make you a big man. No fucking way. You’re going to feel guilty. It will make you less of a person, unable to ever think of yourself as good again. You might be able to hide it, but in your heart, you will know that what you did was wrong. You might keep doing it to prove to yourself that you have the might, but somewhere deep inside you will feel that something is missing. Sex will never really be satisfying. Your relationships will all fall apart. Your brief thoughtless act will have set you on a path that ultimately deprives you of what you most want in the whole world – connection to an equal.

And what about the girl? Do you know how it will affect her to have her right to choose stolen from her? She will feel used and dirty. She will feel like the rape was probably her fault. She may keep it secret in shame, or she may report you to the police. You could go to prison and be considered a sex offender. She could tell all of her friends. It will be hard for her for a long time. Trusting people may be difficult for the rest of her life. She may have nightmares or develop an eating disorder. And if you get her pregnant, she will have to deal with the affects of that. You might have to pay child support instead of going to college.

This is a pivotal moment for you. This is your moment to choose your path in life. I promise that you can have everything you want – it just might not be now. Think hard. Look that girl in the eyes and see her as a real person. Make a connection with her. Know that you cannot take something that can only be given. Rape is an empty promise. Rape is not sex. Rape is a violent crime. And you deserve better than a life of emptiness and crime.

The sad part is, she could like you. She might even choose to have sex with you if you ask. Have you tried talking with her?

Jun 242011

Hathor Aphrodisia Exotic Love OilImagine yourself lying in a patch of sunlight, a light breeze caressing your naked skin. Your lover pours warm oil onto your back. Strong hands rub the oil into your flesh, gently at first, then more firmly to work the kinks out of your muscles. The oil warms your skin, spreading a delightful scent, like trees and spice. You are suspended in a state of bliss, at one with your partner and the universe. This joyful experience is Hathor Aphrodisia’s Exotic Love Oil.

I actually had that experience on a beautiful date with Harold. He used the Exotic Love Oil on me and then I used it on him. I’m in love with Love Oil. And in love with Harold for giving me such an awesome massage. I just let go and floated in a nice smelling, relaxed place. I really like how Exotic Love Oil is warm on the skin and heats up with rubbing. Even my sensitive skin seemed happy with the Love Oil’s formula!

Massage in the sunWhen it was my turn to use the oil on Harold, I was impressed by the slip. Hathor Aphrodisia has found that perfect balance between having a long lasting glide and absorbing into the skin easily. Bravo! I enjoyed the silky feel of the Exotic Love Oil so much, that I coated my breasts and tummy and slid across Harold’s back and shoulders over and over. What a marvelous feeling! Hathor Aphrodisia’s website says that this product has been used in spa treatments for toning and firming the breasts. I would happily receive daily breast massages with Exotic Love Oil. You know, for science.

Evoë giving Harold a massageFurther exploration of the Love Oil lead me to believe that it also works as a bug repellant. After our mutual outdoor massage, Harold and I walked naked through the forest, surrounded by clouds of mosquitos. We discovered that we received very few bites, and none where the oil had been. Super bonus. I also found out that Love Oil is non-staining on natural fibers after my toddler poured some on the rug. This also gave me the opportunity to realize that the scent of the oil stays pleasant for many days. Thankfully.

A boi and his dogHathor Aphrodisia’s website also suggested that Exotic Love Oil could be used for bath and body oil. I think I’m going to try it in the bath tub now!

Bottom line: Another great product from a fabulous company. I don’t normally like massage oils, but I think I will keep this one on hand.

Grade: A

Jun 232011

Outdoor bondageI’m easily impressed when it comes to male genitalia. I don’t have a cock of my own. Well, actually I do, but it’s more of an accessory than a live cock with balls. I love my two-way, but sometimes I just want to play with real thing. Since I am sans cock-n-balls, I have to borrow someone else’s to explore. Have you ever watched a scrotum up close? They move. Scrotums move in a freaky ocean creature kind of way, like a sea anemone. It’s so cool.

I really get off on watching cocks get hard too. How amazing is that? They go from soft and floppy to rock hard and bouncing. It’s incredibly awesome. I like being an intimate part of that process. I like using my mouth, but hands are even better because I can watch everything change. I want to see the veins bulge and the head flush. Lately, I want to slap that hard cock around. Right now, only Harold reacts positively in any way to my slaps, and he doesn’t like it that much. That’s why I have to tie him up first.

Putting on the parachuteThat’s what happened. I tied him between two trees and got him hard. I didn’t think it would work because he’d just come, but somehow he wasn’t impaired. In fact, he rose to the occasion with great enthusiasm. And then I slapped his cock over and over. He groaned and tried to squirm away. I think he likes it.

Then came the best part. He was wearing a parachute around his balls – kind of like a leather cone with strings hanging down. When he was good and ready, I attached weights to the parachute, pulling his scrotum down. The whole system is designed to put a great deal of pressure on the balls. We used 6 kilograms of weight – that’s about 13.2 pounds. Awesome! I’ve been fantasizing about this for 20 years.

13.2 pounds on the scrotumThis seems like a lot of weight, but it’s nothing compared to the guys who are really into it. Some men can suspend crazy amounts of weight from their balls. It isn’t something I want to do on a regular basis, but it’s pretty interesting. I watched Harold’s scrotum slowly stretch out. He’s told me that it’s difficult to stay hard or to orgasm after weights. That’s an argument for making this an occasional activity.

That said, we didn’t have any troubles. He stayed hard and he came – for the 2nd time in two hours. I’m feeling very proud of myself and my mad skills. And I’m proud of my Honey and his cock-n-ball prowess!

Jun 222011

I'll show you mineBook: “I’ll Show You Mine
Publisher: Show Off Books, February 2001
Editor: Wrenna Robertson
Photographer:  Katie Huisman
Cost: $30

This book is fucking amazing. I love it. It consists solely of vulva photos and women talking about how they feel about their genitals. There are two photos for each woman and they are all shot exactly the same way – one straight on while the woman is standing and one with her legs spread so the labia are exposed. My favorite pages are at the beginning and the end and line up all 60 pictures. I like being able to make a fast comparison with all of these very different looking vulvas. I had no idea how diverse woman’s genitals are!

Which is why this is such an important book. I have had more opportunity  than most people to see what vulvas look like. I was a doula for years and have attended many births. I look at porn. I’m pansexual. But I realize now how little I’ve been able to really examine vulvas. I had no idea what “normal” looks like. I now know that there is no normal, or at least, normal is so broad that it covers everyone. This is deeply moving for me.

Cynthia pageThe whole book moved me. I adore the smooth, subtle pink cover. The shape of the book itself reminds me of a wedding guest book. I’m tickled by the thought. When I started reading it I fell in love with each woman. They are so diverse, and yet the same. I’m thrilled that queer and trans are represented. I like seeing young and old pussies – not that you can always tell the difference. I’m so happy to see the differences in skin tone. Truthfully, all of these pictures are beautiful.

I have to admit though, I reacted badly at first. I read around a dozen profiles before I realized that I was feeling queasy. I put the book down and thought about it for a while. Why did seeing naked women make me feel sick? For me it came down to my sexual abuse history. I had feelings of disgust and shame toward my own body and I projected it onto the pictures in the book. I’m not normally aware of these feelings, but the book put them into focus in a way that made it easier to look at.

open vulva collageIt has something to do with pubic hair. I have an uneasy relationship with my pubic hair. I don’t want to be shaved because I look like a little girl, but I’ve had this perception that it was wrong to be hairy. I’ve continued to get bikini waxes even when I stopped shaving my armpits and legs. What I’ve learned from “I’ll Show You Mine” is that I am nowhere near the hairiest woman in the world. I like my pubic hair. I like grooming my pubic hair, but I no longer feel compelled to have it any specific way.

I was able to read the rest of the book without difficulty. I really enjoyed it. I plan on using it to teach other women about their bodies. I’ll leave it where my kids can look at it if they have questions. I’m hoping that continues to grow as a movement. I’d love to see a website where women can share their stories and pictures of their vulvas. It’s a powerful thing.

Along those lines, I have chosen to share my photos, shot as close to the book as possible, and my story about my vulva:

Evoë outer view

Evoë, inner view










This is my cunt. I like the word cunt because it feels right to me, kind of cozy and mysterious. The biggest mystery of my cunt is that all five of my children came into the world via this passageway. It is also deeply amazing to me the pleasure that I feel both with partners and alone. I feel blessed by a beautiful body. But I haven’t always felt so good about myself.

Years of childhood sexual abuse left me feeling dirty and ashamed of my body that would respond even when I didn’t want to. I felt separated from my private parts. If people wanted them but not the rest of me, then I would just seal my mind away from the rest of my body. I didn’t feel ownership of my vulva until my mid-twenties.

Then a few years ago I started worrying about my labia being too small. My outer lips are usually quite closed. I became paranoid about looking like a little girl. I wondered if the abuse that I survived had maimed me somehow. I didn’t have anything to compare myself to, but it seemed like the images I saw showed women with larger labia. I heard about women who wanted smaller labia and felt confused. My partner found some photos of other women for me that made me feel more comfortable with myself. He also took close up pictures of my cunt so I could really see what I looked like.

I fell in love with my body. I could still see everything that I thought of as imperfections – places I tore giving birth, a mole, my pubic hair going grey – but I could also see the beauty of my vulva. I still sometimes feel self-conscious. I am hesitant to let someone go down on me if I’m on my period or think I’m smelly, but I now publish pictures of my vulva on the internet. I hope that it helps other women to love their cunts!

Jun 212011

Almost to orgasmWe’re a far cry from where we started 11 years and 3 children ago. We used to have sex 2 or 3 times a day. And then less often, but with elaborate BDSM fantasy scenes. Now Joel and I tend to have married sex, the kind based on comfort, but I wouldn’t trade it back for the wild sex. I value what we have – the sweetness, the security, the intimacy, and yes, the comfort. I find that I want to be comforted. It’s just that sometimes it’s difficult to have sex at all.

Last night Joel and I went out to dinner alone together. We manage to do this once a week and it helps us to stay in touch with each other. We came home and got the children settled before retiring to the bedroom. Then a round of, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” ensued. Should we watch a movie? Do our own things, but next to each other? Something else?

We dithered for about 15 minutes, before coming to the conclusion that we both might, perhaps, be interested in sex. We briefly discussed what we would do if I got triggered into old abuse stuff. I should disengage and we would talk about it. Then the comfy factor slowed us down some more. I lounged in bed in my t-shirt and panties, yawning. Joel puttered. I invited him to come lie down beside me. A few slats fell out of his side of the bed.

Oral sexSee, our bed is broken, but we don’t want to fix it until we dismantle it to move it upstairs. It’s going to be several weeks before we’re ready to move. So, in the meantime, we have to be very careful on that side of the bed. It’s very exciting to have the bed fall down while you’re fucking. Needless to say, fucking should occur on my side of the bed. But the dog is sleeping across the bottom half. And we discovered a large wet spot in the middle of the bed from the toddler’s milk cup at nap time. I just start laughing because it is so married.

Joel gets a waterproof mat to cover the wet spot. I take off my clothes and close and lock the bedroom door. We lie down beside each other. It feels awkward. Joel put his hand on my cunt and indicated that I should touch his cock. He explored my clit while I rub his penis. He’s already half hard. I wasn’t sure that it was going to work. I rolled over and dug around in my drawer for a vibrator. I couldn’t seem to find one that works. Instead, I decided to let go and be present with what we were doing.

It worked! Everything took off from there. Our mutual masturbation session got us both moaning. Then Joel revealed his secret desire to be dominated by a woman by having her sit on his face. I asked if that was better than 69. Apparently it is hotter than 69! By the time he brought me to orgasm, he was rock hard. We briefly discussed positioning and I ended up on my knees getting fucked from behind. Joel had a very intense orgasm, feeling like he came twice, which is cool.

Drop of come on his cockThen we both lay there, recovering, and talking. It was like Joel’s internal gates opened up and he now was able to just be with me in a relaxed way and tell me all kinds of things from his life. Some I had known, but some I had not. I value this intimacy, this precious time together. It’s another layer of our married relationship.

I love how we are together. We may be comfortable together, but we are not complacent. Neither of us is settling or putting up with less than we want in a relationship. I am comfortable. Even with our married sex.

Jun 192011

It’s nearly Midsummer, or the Summer Solstice, the longest day and shortest night of the year. It’s supposedly when the fairies come out to play, so we decided to throw our own Midsummer Night’s Dream Fey Revel. We became the fairies ourselves, dark or fair, as our natures called to us. Because we are wild, we both dressed up and went naked. (Seattle has a tradition of this!) Because we love each other we helped decorate each other’s bodies.

Harold FeyWe danced out under the trees, with only firelight and moonlight to guide us. We were fierce and gentle, free and tamed, sexy and chaste, fearless and shy. We kissed, hugged, and groped. We ate and drank. And we danced all through the night…

Evoë fairyHappy Solstice to you all…







Harold in the fireEvoë by the fireMaking love by the fire

Jun 152011

EvoëI’m in that morning-after funk. Yesterday I had an amazing date with both of my men. It was really great, but today I’m feeling down. Most of the problem is that yesterday was all about anal play – I got an enema and double penetration! Well, I had a lot of childhood sexual abuse that was anal. I’m constantly challenging myself to overcome my abuse by creating positive associations in the here and now. I am sexually adventurous because I refuse to have artificial limits on my pleasure. If I dislike something now, that’s fine, but if I’m afraid to do something because it will remind me of being abused, that’s unacceptable for me. So I’ve been pushing myself to experiment with anal play because it’s one of the few areas I have left to reclaim.

I am enjoying anal sex and all that goes with it. It feels good. It’s sexy in a way that other things are not for me because I feel shame around it. It can be incredibly hot to freely do something that both turns me on and makes me feel like a bad girl. I want this. I want to own it. I will make anal play mine.

Anal sexYet, here I am. The party is over, I’m no longer pumped full of happy hormones. My asshole is a little sore from everything yesterday and it’s triggering old memories and feelings. Some part of me is a sad, confused, hurt little girl. I’m doing my best to comfort her. I’m not stuffing these feelings, despite my first instinct. I’m giving them full attention. I’m working through the difficult stuff. I’m letting myself know that anything I choose to do sexually now is my choice. It’s okay to say no, but it’s also okay to say yes.

Yes, I can enjoy anal sex. It doesn’t make me dirty and it doesn’t make me a victim. It makes me free to find pleasure in my sex life.

I just have to heal this pain.

Jun 142011

Harold and Evoë, by JoelI spent this afternoon sweating and talking with the two people I am closest to in the whole world (besides my children). They are both my partners, my loves, my mates, my friends. And while it seems like that should mean that they are close to each other, that isn’t always true. I feel very lucky that they happen to care about each other as well. The date that we had today was something I was hoping for for a long time. It took some planning and scheduling to get all three of us alone together for 5 hours. Usually Joel and Harold are ships passing in the night.

Evoë, by JoelA few days ago I started to panic about this date. What if we all fought? What if I was in a bad way and couldn’t feel close to anyone? Then this morning I suddenly kicked into fantasy mode. I was alone in bed drinking coffee and I started thinking about how hot it is to watch two guys make out. It could be my two guys! I thought about how much we all love each other. I imagined getting fucked by both of them at the same time…

Double penetration is such a great fantasy. We’ve made love before where I was giving Harold a blow job while Joel fucked me. That’s fabulous, but I want to push my boundaries. I want a cock in my cunt and a cock in my ass. I want us to all fuck together. While I was trying to figure out the best way to do that logistically, I turned to Wikipedia, of course. They have a fabulous entry on sexual positions. I examined it thoroughly for ideas. The date started looking promising.

Evoë getting an enema, by JoelI made my DP fantasies known to both men. They seemed open to the idea. I thought about it and decided that if we were going to be doing some extensive anal play, we ought to do enemas. I don’t have any problem with a little shit, but I wanted our play to be clean and with a minimal amount of fuss. I get very concerned with hygiene and I wanted to be as safe as possible.

The thing to know here is that I’m phobic about anal play. I’ve had anal sex before, but in general, I can’t even poop if someone else is in the room. I’ve enjoyed being fucked in the ass, but often it feels weird and unpleasant to have a finger in there. I’m a bit hung up, so my suggesting enemas was a little surprising. We trooped upstairs and Harold gave me the enema while Joel took pictures. They decided I should be cuffed first to make it easier to take. The Harold did his own enema just in case we wanted to go there (Joel made it clear that we should not go near his ass). I did it. It was even erotic in its way. I even eliminated in front of them both.

Beautiful menWe all went down to the cabin. It was cold so we spent some time cuddling while it warmed up. We talked and talked and talked. We touched and kissed. Joel and Harold told each other how much they loved each other. Harold went down on Joel, but spent more time talking than sucking. Someone put their fingers inside me and someone licked my clitoris and someone pinched or licked my nipples. It’s all a beautiful blur.

And at some point, I had my double penetration. We found that it works best to enter the asshole first and then to penetrate vaginally. It feels amazing. Not only for me I think. The wall between the vagina and the rectum is very thin. It felt like we were all three fucking together. A true three-way fuck where everyone’s genitals are involved. We liked it so much that the boys switched holes to try it the other way. And then some straight ass-fucking (can I say that?). Total bliss.

Harold and Evoë fucking, by JoelSadly, none of us orgasmed like this, though we came close. I took care of myself, with Harold’s hands helping and Joel taking pictures. Then I strung up Harold and beat his balls and Joel lay on the floor under us and took pictures. Then Harold fucked me hard and still Joel took pictures. We’ve been saying that we need a photographer. It was both cool and weird to be doing our thing with Joel and the camera right in the middle.

The whole experience was just incredible. I love both of these men so much. And I can see that they truly love each other. They may not be “in love” but they share a life together and care so much. And they both love me, more than I ever hoped for. It’s a fantasy come true.