Jun 152011

EvoëI’m in that morning-after funk. Yesterday I had an amazing date with both of my men. It was really great, but today I’m feeling down. Most of the problem is that yesterday was all about anal play – I got an enema and double penetration! Well, I had a lot of childhood sexual abuse that was anal. I’m constantly challenging myself to overcome my abuse by creating positive associations in the here and now. I am sexually adventurous because I refuse to have artificial limits on my pleasure. If I dislike something now, that’s fine, but if I’m afraid to do something because it will remind me of being abused, that’s unacceptable for me. So I’ve been pushing myself to experiment with anal play because it’s one of the few areas I have left to reclaim.

I am enjoying anal sex and all that goes with it. It feels good. It’s sexy in a way that other things are not for me because I feel shame around it. It can be incredibly hot to freely do something that both turns me on and makes me feel like a bad girl. I want this. I want to own it. I will make anal play mine.

Anal sexYet, here I am. The party is over, I’m no longer pumped full of happy hormones. My asshole is a little sore from everything yesterday and it’s triggering old memories and feelings. Some part of me is a sad, confused, hurt little girl. I’m doing my best to comfort her. I’m not stuffing these feelings, despite my first instinct. I’m giving them full attention. I’m working through the difficult stuff. I’m letting myself know that anything I choose to do sexually now is my choice. It’s okay to say no, but it’s also okay to say yes.

Yes, I can enjoy anal sex. It doesn’t make me dirty and it doesn’t make me a victim. It makes me free to find pleasure in my sex life.

I just have to heal this pain.