Not everything scary is a turn-on. For instance I don’t get aroused by being afraid that I can’t pay my bills or thinking that my children are in danger. But a fair number of things seem to be hard-wired into my sexual system. Is it that fear and arousal both activate similar processes in the body – preparatory processes to respond appropriately to the present situation? Did my wires get crossed through traumatic sexual abuse? Is being turned on a normal response to living through something terrifying? Is sex a way of resolving an irrational fear? I’m just not sure.
I think other people deal with some fear/sex dynamics too. I’ve noticed it with one of my current adventures – a CBT (cock and ball torture) photography project. Some of the men I’ve talked to are really turned on by the thought of being, say, kicked in the balls, largely because there is an innate fear of being kicked in the balls. They think about it almost obsessively.
It must also have something to do with fantasies and masturbation. There is a wealth of whacking material that focuses on things so outrageous that most people would never consider actually doing them, yet people find intensely hot to fantasize about – things like incest, cannibalism, necrophilia, or mind control. How do these things become part of a healthy sexuality? I think fear.
I’m finally beginning to understand some things about myself. Harold and I have been struggling with finding a power differential or a Domination/submission context that would work for me. I think I’m an awesome Top, but there is a certain place in myself that I can only access in a submissive role and I want to go there with Harold. We’ve tried painfully and unsuccessfully to get to my sub space. Today Harold asked me what I was afraid of sexually so he could use that in our play. I realized that I am afraid of submitting.
I fear loss of control. I’m afraid of going wild and doing something I’ll regret. I’m terrified of giving another person power over me, of finding myself willingly performing acts I would not normally consent to in order to win favor and more arousal. I fear becoming animal, full of unreasoning lust. So of course I am breathlessly, moistly, obsessively turned on by the prospect of handing control over to someone I trust and letting myself go wild. Normally very self-possessed, now I want to feel wanton and ashamed.
It’s kind of a circular problem, this being afraid of submitting. I want it desperately, but I can’t get myself to let go. Harold won’t take me without my consent. So we go round again. Actually, today I’m feeling optimistic. We will have our date in a couple of days and we will see if we’ve managed to figure out a way for me to submit. In the meantime, my fear is turning me on like crazy.