Jul 062011
 
Photo by David Steinberg 2011

Photo by David Steinberg

Have you ever lied to your lover about whether or not you had an orgasm? I have. I think that most women and some men have lied about orgasms at some point in their lives. The more I talk to people about orgasms, the more complicated it seems to be. I’ve been having conversations with both of my guys about how I’ve been less than honest and why it’s harmful to myself and my relationships.

When Joel and I were first together, we both were leaving relationships where we rarely had orgasms. We talked and decided that orgasms were not the important part of sex. In fact, the first time we had sex, after two hours I had orgasmed and he hadn’t. And it was glorious. What Joel did do was follow my orgasm energetically – meaning that he was very involved with how I was feeling. He moaned with me, he rocked, his body was in sync with mine, and when I came he felt a kind of release. It just wasn’t actually, physically an orgasm. Is that honest?

I think it’s fine to have energetic orgasms. I’ve often felt connected to my partner’s orgasm that way. I love to ride along on that fabulous energy as my lover comes. I feel the build in my body. I breathe heavier. I dig my nails into flesh. Sometimes it carries me to my own orgasm. Sometimes it pushes my partner over the edge. But often, it just feels good without an actual orgasm. So, what do I say if I’m asked if I’ve come?

Photo by David Steinberg 2011

Photo by David Steinberg

Early on with Harold, I said that yes, I had orgasmed. He seemed so driven and goal oriented at first. You know, one of those people who is going to make you come if it takes three hours and a power drill. I wasn’t used to that kind of focus on my pleasure and it made me feel intimidated. I wanted him to feel good about himself and take the pressure to perform off of me. And actually, I quickly began to come easily and I relaxed. I don’t need to lie.

Of course, sometimes I’ve lied in the other direction as well, especially with Joel. From time to time, I’ve said that I haven’t come when I really have. This is more complicated. I know logically that I can have as many orgasms as I want, but I feel guilty if I perceive myself as having had too many orgasms. If we’ve both come, the energy tends to dip. Do I deserve to come again? Or what if my partner hasn’t been able to come at all? Is it better to say that I still haven’t orgasmed?

I think I’m actually doing myself a disservice to lie about whether or not I orgasm. I want my partners to really know me and my body. I want to trust them in all aspects. I’m not even sure why I’ve lied at the core of it. Honesty is incredibly important to me. Sex is important to me. Deep connection to my partners means more to me than anything. How have I let little lies become barriers in our sex life?

It has gotten better over the past 3 years. I’m both more relaxed and more assertive about what I want. I’ve come to understand that I own my body and my sexual experience. It’s okay if I don’t always orgasm. And it’s okay to take longer if I want to orgasm, but it’s not happening easily. Harold is hurt that I haven’t always been honest, but he also understands that my early experiences have affected how I feel about orgasms in general.

Photo by David Steinberg 2011

Photo by David Steinberg

It can be difficult to tell if your partner has orgasmed. Even with boys, I sometimes have to ask. But I want to know, honestly. There are times when I scream and times when an orgasm is almost entirely an internal experience for me. I want my partner to follow with me. I want to feel connected. Being dishonest always makes me feel bad about an otherwise beautiful experience. I want sex to feel good, right? If I lie about an orgasm, I am making my orgasm about someone else and giving my power away. If I am truthful, I am more vulnerable, but I own myself completely. I can be vulnerable in this way. I vow to be honest about orgasms from now on.