Jul 312011

Evoë as JoeyAfter interviewing so many fabulous people about gender, I’m wanted to see for myself what it felt like to put on another gender. For me, that meant letting my inner boy out to play. My interviewees gave me lots of ideas about how I might go about as a male and the internet filled in more gaps, but I was still obviously a newbie boy.

I went to Value Village to shop for clothes. After much searching, I found a pair of men’s shoes that I could live with, some black and white Vans. Shirts were problematic. I wanted a button-down shirt to help disguise my rather large breasts, but shirts fell into 4 categories: western, stuffy, hawaiian, or lounge. I went with lounge, hoping that I could pull off a hipster look. On a whim, I grabbed a baseball cap on the way out. Harold shook his head and told me I was trying too hard for a boy. Joel scolded me for buying a shirt that wasn’t all natural fibers. He asked me to think about what kind of man I really wanted to be. I felt silly being scolded, but he kind of had a point about putting together a persona deliberately.

Evoë as JoeyWhat does it mean to be a man? I’m not sure. I’m not sure that I’ve gotten past the part where I have a cock, but then again, I know a few guys who’ve never gotten past that part either. Maybe that’s just the kind of guy I am because Harold and I spent a lot of time working with socks, condoms, nylons, rice, and such to make me a reasonably realistic packer. I gotta have a cock.

It got to be time to get ready. I showered, slicked back my hair with men’s gel, and took off all of my girlie jewelry. The hardest thing for me to do was to cut off my fingernails. It’s body modification. I like my long tapered nails. But I squared them all off for this experiment. I put on black Calvin Klein boxer-briefs. I wound a wide ace bandage tightly around my chest, trying to flatten my tits. I put a snug athletic top over that, then a plain black tank top. My outer layer consisted of button-down shirt, Harold’s black jeans, Vans, and baseball cap. Ultimately, after all of our scheming, I didn’t pack at first. It was uncomfortable and not noticeable.

Evoë as JoeyHarold took a bunch of pictures – probably the most fun I had. I really hammed it up and played around with the gender stereotypes. Fantastically fun! Then we went to dinner. On the way in the car, Harold and I role-played. It was silly stuff, guy talk. He started calling me Joey. Once we were at the restaurant, I got nervous. What would people think?

I’m not sure if people perceived me as a male, but it was definitely different. Until now, I have been unaware at how deferential people are to me as an attractive female. I didn’t get any of that as a man. Gender biases seem to be very subtle. No one was rude or anything, they just weren’t as…nice. We were just two guys out for some grub. I do believe, however, that the waiter’s demeanor changed ever-so-slightly when Harold ordered something for me. I don’t know if he thought we were gay or looked again and saw that I was female, or if I’m just imagining the reaction.

Evoë as JoeyAfter that, we went to the Center for Sex Positive Culture. I figured it was a safe place to play with gender. Once there, I took off my shoes, pants, and shirt. And I hard packed, meaning that I put my two-way in, with the testicles that Harold had created just for that purpose. I looked like I had an impressive hard on, however, it was hard to walk like a guy and impossible to bend over. At the Center, people either assumed that I was male, or really didn’t care. It was awesome. I got to scene with Harold as a gay male couple. It kind of blows my mind.

Overall I liked experimenting with gender, but I feel like I don’t have enough boy to go on. Sometimes I feel a lot of boy. I wanted to do this gender experimentation to let myself out of the box, but I ended up feeling like I was in a smaller box – from all of me to just boy. I don’t want to be smaller. I can’t see myself going out as a boy very often, maybe occasionally. I’ve been shopping for a packer. Ooooh, and I want side burns!

  • Colleen Brenna Francis

    Thank you soooo much for sharing this experience!  What a wonderful way to cap off the series.  

  • Anonymous

    I have wanted to cross dress on occasion as well.  Two things hold me back though: the smallest hurdle would be shaving my beard (and depending on what I was wearing quite possibly some other places as well such as chest and legs.)  The other hurdle, and truly the one that makes me wonder the most about- finding plus sized women’s clothing to fit me.

    Of course this didn’t stop me from trying on a former spouse’s underthings once or twice in the past….

  • Kyle

    What fun!  Most of the time when I’m out and about, I’m perceived as a butch woman.  I know that from the pronouns and titles people use when referring to or about me.  I have had a few experiences where I was unmistakably seen as a man.  The difference I perceived was not just in pronouns, but in deference.  I’m just beginning to wrap my head around being on the receiving end of male privilege.  This has been most noticeable when out with female perceived woman, because of the contrast between how she’s treated vs. me.  I’m also often oblivious to it, and my companion is the one who calls it out for me to see.  I wonder if this is because I’m receiving that respect and deference more than I realize.  

    As for packers, I really like mine and highly recommend you get one.  I think you and your partners will like the appearance and feel of it.  It’s great that you had the chance to experiment, to see what you liked and disliked about being seen differently by the world and by seeing yourself differently.  

    And, omg, hard packing in jeans is kinda crazy.  There isn’t a lot of room for that kind of package in my jeans, that’s for sure.  I remember feeling distinctly fucked by my own rigid silicon testicles while driving for an hour.  Not sure whether to count that as dedication or stupidity.

  • Clayshaper

    Some more help in this:

    To bind breasts comfortably and safely, go run to Wal-Mart or someplace, and pick out one of those ‘abdominal belts’ from the fitness section. Choose the cheap kind without a finished edge. hold it behind your back, and slowly snug it, so the ‘tight’ part is against your back, and then close it comfortably in front with the velcro strip. If your breasts allow it, you can reach under, and push them so instead of being all up front, they’re slightly to each side. This gives your torso some ‘oomph’. I also suggest a tank undershirt, because it makes things more comfortable, but it’s not nessecery if you’re out swimming or something where it would be a hinderance.

    To choose clothing, realize the old joke from that Julie Andrew’s flick (Victor Victoria) people see what they want or expect to see: Don’t choose a ‘camp’ shirt, because both men and women wear those. Choose a kind of shirt women don’t typically wear. Even if this means choosing something with ‘gender cues’ on it, like a beer or nascar logo. ;) A lot of ‘butch’ women wear some male clothes, but they’re cut to allow a high waist, and you want to present a low waist to hide the ‘female shape’ better. Give those subtle dues. A t-shirt over the neoprene belt is a good idea, even if the layering is hot to wear, it hides the lines of the binding.

    For pants: choose something male in type, but when you put it on/fit it, make it close at that ‘under the beer belly’ line. Women attach thier pants above a WAIST. If you had no waist, you’d be fine, like a skinny guy in dress slacks… but chanses are you have HIPS. (A lot of guys have this too, so don’t worry) It’s solved by slinging low with the pants. Belts are a plus, they also speak ‘man’…

    Try choosing other cues or accetuations: Tucking in a shirt but low sling those jeans/pants, and the shirt will ‘blouse’ over your middle, so it presents a very ‘narrow hip’ look. It camoflauges the waist, and makes the nice female ‘belly’ look like a more traditional man’s ‘beer belly’ and ‘love handles’. (doing this a LOT will actually make your fat redistribute a little, and the belt-line will become kinda permenant… so be warned)

    Also, when choosing shoes, look for shoes that subtly lift you up, to help with height, and MAKE you walk more masculine. Boots work, but the best thing I know of are /hiking/ or /working/ boots… nice casual ones, with a higher (ankle high) top. You can get a pair at Wal-Mart for 20 bucks. They don’t bend as easily as vans/sneakers, and they force your legs to move differently when you walk. It helps someone ‘pass’ much easier, and they have a bit thicker insole and sole, so you gain a good inch or so!

    I know all kinds of tricks, but these are some of the better ones I know of: hands are also hard to camoflauge, and there’s tricks to that, for example, but they’re more complicated.

    Show them the right ‘cues’ and gender binary thinking becomes your friend instead of your enemy. ;)

  • Clayshaper

    Babeland now sells this neat ‘packer holder’ kind of underwear- boxer briefs work well if you can safety-pin or velcro the pack in place. But in the old days, you’d wear an athletic supporter, put the packer in it (and possible pin/tape/velcro it in place) and then put underwear over it.

  • Clayshaper

    I totally agree. There is nothing more awesome in ANY series, than to have the author try it out! :D

  • http://WholeSexLife.com Evoe Thorne

    Okay, so I’ve just noticed that I’m having a secondary reaction to my gender exploration. I’ve swung fully into the girlie extreme. And I’m not a very girlie girl, most of the time!

    Yesterday I had a CRAVING to go to the mall. The fucking mall. I hate the mall. And you know what I bought? A leopard-print tank top, purple lipstick, eye shadow, and eye liner, silver and garnet earrings, a silver necklace, and panties from Victoria’s Secret. I’m kind of in shock. It makes me happy in one way, but the rest of me is just staring slack-jawed. I’ve never shopped for myself at Victoria’s Secret.

    Today I had Harold shave my legs. I stopped shaving my legs months and month ago. I like them hairy. But I’m reveling in the smoothness of them now.

    I almost feel like I’m exploring the feminine side in the same way that I explored the masculine. Being queer is odd sometimes!

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