Jul 082011

SchoolgrrrlHave you ever wanted to be or have a Daddy in a sexual sense? Someone to guide, discipline, and nurture? I can honestly say that the concept doesn’t appeal to me, but I still got a ton of useful information out of the workshop that Harold and I attended at the CSPC in Seattle last night. It was about using power exchange to enhance relationships, especially in a variety of gender configurations. I may be crushing on yet another butch. The workshop’s presenter, Sinclair Sexsmith, is the intelligent, kinky, articulate, and straight-forward  writer and Top behind www.sugarbutch.net. This was really the best sex workshop I’ve ever attended.

We almost didn’t go. For a variety of reasons, I don’t want a “Daddy.” I was sexually abused as a child and I think it would trigger me to pretend to be a child in a sexual situation. Harold and I already have some inherent differentials in our relationship, like the fact that he is literally old enough to be my father. And I’m usually the one on top, if there is a power differential at all. If anything, I’m Harold’s Daddy, but we generally stay equal in power.

schoolgrrrlThe funny thing is that we fought for most of yesterday. It’s an old argument, and a big part of it has to do with the part of me that desperately wants Harold to top me. We’ve tried. It hasn’t ever worked for us. But there is something there that I really need, that we need as a couple. Some kind of closeness that we can only reach through power play, and I feel unseen until we do. It’s been intensely frustrating. We spent an hour and a half sorting through some of this stuff with my therapist yesterday afternoon. Then we had a very nice dinner and a couple of drinks – and we attended Queering Power Dynamics with Sinclair Sexsmith.

I liked the informal feel of the class. People shared some of their own experiences and perspectives. We talked about the differences between a familial father and a Daddy in a sexual context. There were some good general tips for relationships and power play. Sinclair fielded a bunch of questions. What stood out most for me was that the particular Daddy/girl dynamic that allows for nurturing and caring. I was in tears listening to a woman talk about her Daddy giving her permission to care about herself and to do nice things for herself. It was so familiar, both Joel and Harold so often encourage me to do the things that I want to do for myself, but feel that I don’t deserve. I don’t always feel good about my body, so it helps to have someone tell me that I’m worth pampering. We also talked about how the “girl” in this dynamic has power over the Daddy, in getting him to do something he knows is wrong. This class got me really thinking about power.

SchoolgrrrlI don’t want to be topped or owned. Most of the time that just makes me laugh. I do want to be possessed. I want to be taken so I can give myself. I want to be dirty and bad so that I can be loved in that place where I don’t love myself. I even sometimes want to feel pain because I just fucking hurt inside. But I don’t want to give up myself. I like the Daddy dynamic, even if I can’t live with the iconography.

So I came up with a similar, yet different, power differential that I can live with: teacher/student. I suggested it to Harold as we drove home. He was open to the idea. We discussed it with mounting enthusiasm. We both liked the fact that even though there is a power differential, neither party is powerless. The teacher is using his power to seduce the student, but so is the student using her power to seduce the teacher. By the time we sent the babysitter home and got all the kids to bed, we were both a bit excited. Harold closed and locked the bedroom door and we were off. Role-play is second nature for us both. We quickly established that he is my Health teacher and I am very bad for tempting him to do something so wrong. I am innocent and eager to please.

SchoolgrrrlOh my god, the hot sex. Harold says that he’s never wanted me so much. I love this dynamic. I love that even this morning we are saying little teachery things to each other that totally turn me on. We can carry on this kind of play in odd moments, in front of the children, in the grocery store or the library – it’s endless and subtle. And we can incorporate all of our normal play. Mr. Henry can teach his young student to perform CBT. I could be the cute jock Mr. Henry instructs in gay male sex. There can be spankings and public displays and homework. I’m feverish with the possibilities.

Sinclair Sexsmith pointed out that things that are a huge turn on one time might not be good next time and to stay open and flexible. It really was a fabulous workshop. I’m incredibly thankful for a nudge in this power play direction. I’m staying open and flexible, but I hope I’m hot for that teacher for a very long time!

  • Kyle

    It was a great class made greater by the participation. I’m already a big fan of Daddy/girl play (and other power differential situations), and I still got a lot out of Sinclair’s ideas and tips, plus all of the information and experience shared by others.

    It was great to meet Harold and a pleasure to see you again

  • Anonymous

    I’m so glad you got so much from this workshop!  There really is a lot of power in this dynamic.  Not just the power over another person, but the empowerment that can come from this.  Thanks for being a part of the conversation and for sharing these thoughts!