Aug 122011

Glow-in-the-Dark Life-LikesCalifornia Exotics has sent me yet another astonishing sex toy to review. This time it’s a “Glow-in-the-Dark Life-Like Vibrating 8″ Emperor,” a beautifully hand sculpted, multi-speed dong with suction cup base. The shaft circumference is 6.5 inches/16.5 cm and the insertable length is 6.75 inches/17.25 cm. The dildo is made of phthalate-free PVC. The packaging says interesting things like, “Better than real, plus” and inexplicably, “I’m an American Stud and made in the USA.” Overall, this toy is so appallingly over-the-top that I’m speechless.

Sometimes the best thing you can say for a sex toy is that it made you laugh. That’s certainly true here. I looked at this glow-in-the-dark toy and swore that I would never use it. It smells bad. It feels weird and clammy against my skin. It’s too big to reasonably consider penetration. All this I explained to Joel as we were snuggled up falling asleep one night. He told me to show him this vibrator. I turned the light back on and pulled the toy out. He promptly stuck the giant dong to his forehead. I turned out the light to see it glow. It’s fabulous! It really does glow in the dark. I was giggling like crazy to see Joel bounce around with the glowing dong vibrating on his forehead like an excited atomic pornicorn. Totally hilarious.

I did actually try the “Emperor” out. I felt like I ought to give it a good go. The first thing I did was to wash the vibrator, hoping to mute the smell and make it clean enough to play with. The packaging says that it’s maintenance free, but I’m not sure what that means. It also says not to immerse in water, but to wash before and after each use. We carefully used the kitchen facet. Around this time, I started having double penetration fantasies about this dong. We experimented with putting the vibrator in my strap-on harness, trying to see if Harold could fuck me with both the “Emperor” and his erection. Although I think we worked out the kinks (so to speak), we did not attempt this venture.

Glow-in-the-Dark Life-LikesGlow-in-the-Dark Life-LikesGlow-in-the-Dark Life-Likes

I tried getting off with the “Emperor.” It didn’t work. The vibration is variable, but the 2 AA batteries that power it are not enough for clitoral stimulation. Internally, the vibration didn’t hit my g-spot, although it certainly vibrated my perineum and anus. It felt funny! And that’s not the only thing that felt funny – the dong itself was very cold and sticky feeling, kind of like the gummy hands that my kids get out of vending machines. I used a water-based lube as recommended by Cal Exotics for the materials. I gather that the phthalate-free PVC is fairly safe for sex toys, but it feels gross.

Glow-in-the-Dark Life-LikesHonestly, this isn’t a toy that I’m likely to ever use, but I do appreciate the sheer audacity of such a giant fucking vibrating life-like schlong, that fucking glows-in-the-dark and has balls! (Why does it have balls?) But it GLOWS in the DARK! And the suction-cuppy goodness allows one to wear it on one’s forehead! Surely this leads to bliss.

Bottom line: the “Emperor” is a ton of fun, but doesn’t turn me on.

Grade: C-