Aug 022011

Evoë hidingSometimes I get in my own way where sex is concerned. It’s not always easy to fuck. I want everything to flow, the clothes to fall off, the chemistry to click – but I can’t seem to feel it. Then I feel guilty for not performing and I feel worse. Which makes it harder to feel sexy. You see what I mean. Well, today was like that.

I’ve been looking forward to my date with Harold today, but when I got to his house I started to feel anxious and combative. I’m going through some difficult sex abuse stuff again. I knew he wanted to talk about it. I asked what he wanted to do for our date and he said talk about the hard stuff then make love. I was suddenly all over his case, accusing him of wanting to talk about the icky stuff more than making love to me. I was a bit mean. I said things that I knew would hurt him. I could have just told him what I wanted and it would have been fine, but that part of me that felt guilty for not feeling like sex wanted to make it his fault. I needed control.

I got hold of myself before I went too far and took Harold upstairs. He’s been saying for a while that he would shave my legs and trim my pubic hair, so I had him do that for me. We regained some of our normal connection. I relaxed a bit. It was getting better. When he was done with me, I shaved him.

We ended up on the bed, me dressed, Harold in only a button-down shirt. We were rolling around with me on top. I don’t remember now what set him off, but he started to get an erection. And suddenly, I felt kind of interested. I went down on him. He tried to get me to do 69, but I didn’t want to. I liked being in control. I told him that he would have to deal, I was going to torture him. And I did. I kept bringing him close to orgasm, but rather than let him come, I suddenly had an interest in fucking.

I had to get out of my clothes and remove a tampon, but I did so quickly. I briefly considered all of the things we had planned to do, but got out of my way before I could sabotage something that was working. I climbed on top of Harold and slid him in. It felt absolutely perfect. Amazing. Beautiful. I closed my eyes and just moved with what felt good. All of a sudden, Harold started coming and so did I. I panicked for a moment because I hadn’t been ready to orgasm, then relaxed.

And in relaxing, I began to cry – huge, racking sobs. Everything is so hard just now. I’m tired of hurting and being scared and agitated. I want sex to be mine. I’ve worked so fucking hard for sex to be mine. I want that honey-sex place, where I feel love and connection and bliss. Every time I don’t feel sexy I’m afraid I’ve lost it forever. I need to get out of my own way. It’s mine. I can have it, but I have to let it happen.

  • Clayshaper

    But the key is, it IS yours. All those memories, all the things that /happened/ are just that. They have happened. Wrestling and grappling with them is GOOD in the beginning, because acceptance starts there. But it ends when you can do what you want and NOT think about them, not let them consume your precious personal space!!

    I’m gunna totally pull some ‘uncle dave gives advice’ here:

    Sometimes, my partner and I will start something up, and one of us will be all “You know… I am just not feelin’ it. I’m sorry.” …we’ve learned that this is the time for us to do a super-quick reassessment. Sometimes one of us masturbates while the other helps or sometimes doesn’t help, but cuddles, and sometimes… we both go, “ya know. me either.” and we cuddle and talk about normal stuff, and run fingers through each other’s hair, and give hand-massages… seriously.

    Your shaving session was probably the best part of the night- or might have been, if you’d let it be OK to have a non SEX part of sensuality become your big sexual moment of just this one time.

    If you’ve never tried this before, try it: When you’re struggling with those things, decide who will be in that caregiving or controlling place. One of you lie down and be passive. Let the other control things. I see you can do this with Harold… but can he do it for YOU? Can you lie down, and let him just rub your body… just use a feather or a rollerball or a massager to untangle the muscles… can you agree that no matter what, you won’t give any feedback (unless it’s the ‘no. stop.’ kind!) for a set amount of time? Five Minutes? Twenty?

    Sometimes the chance to be free of /having/ to give feedback by writhing or moaning or saying words, can be incredibly FREEING. Or try talking about things while he touches you- not has sex, but just touches! Reassure the YOU inside that sex and tragedy are not linked. Not always.

    That’s my uncle-dave moment. *grins, ducks, and RUNS*

  • Evoe Thorne

    Thanks Uncle Dave!

    Those are all great ideas. I have tried something like most of them. I actually do pretty well, all things considered. Today I had just asked to be flogged and Harold had agreed when things started to flow on their own. 

    I’m used to feeling sexy most of the time so when I have those moments where I’m not into it, I kinda freak out. It’s like someone has stolen my most prized possession, except I’m to blame. It gets all tangled up. 

    Today’s scenario is also tied into my desire for Harold to Top me. I can’t relax until I give up control, but I’ll be DAMNED if I’m going to give up control. I would let Harold take control from me because I trust him, but he would never do that because he won’t violate my trust. Fun, huh?

    But I’m just griping. The sex abuse stuff sucks, but it’s already so much better. I actually have an awesome sex life, but if I didn’t write about the bumps people would think that being a sex maven is all fun, all the time.

    I appreciate your response so much!