Sep 282011

relationship problemsMost relationships run into trouble around sex at some point. Sex is such an intimate and revealing experience. Any tensions in a relationship are likely to come out, often unexpectedly. This was the case with Joel and me last night, but I didn’t begin to look at it until this morning.

Joel and I have been together for 11 years. We’ve weathered a lot of strife together. I love him deeply. In a lot of ways, we are very good for each other. Because of the economy, Joel works two hours from where we live. This means that he spends half the week away from home. We’ve worked it out, but we don’t have as much time together. The time that we do have is not as spontaneous as it was early on in our marriage. Less time and opportunity for random fucking.

We do, however, have a weekly date night – a luxury we didn’t have until recently. We can go out and spend time together. We have a chance to talk without interruptions. It’s pretty awesome. And we can come home and have sex! But for various reasons, we often don’t.

Last night we ate dinner at a lovely Thai place. I made sure that Joel knew early on that I had designs on his body. I was having a very nice time. Then Joel brought up a phone conversation that we had a few days ago. He was right to do so because he had lingering emotions about the exchange that he needed to work out. I was able to listen to him, but unfortunately, I also started to feel hurt and resentful. I felt that Joel wasn’t supporting me. I knew that he was, but I didn’t stop feeling abandoned. Typical relationship stuff, where our baggage collides. The well adjusted part of me helped Joel talk through his feelings. The hurt child part of me withdrew from the conversation and from Joel.

We got home and went to bed. We both still wanted to make love. We went through the motions and our bodies reacted, but it felt mechanical. I didn’t have that experience of opening up. I couldn’t feel Joel with more than my skin. I didn’t come, but I was too tired to pursue an orgasm. I’ve been getting up at 5:00 a.m. to get our daughter off to high school. I just wanted to sleep.

Today, I feel sad. I miss the connection that Joel and I used to have. I feel like we’re both changing, but we haven’t been able to get close enough to share who we are with each other. Yet in some ways, we are incredibly close. Why isn’t sex working between us?

Time is a factor, but we can work with that. There’s also a reluctance to discuss the hard stuff. I think we want to keep everything pleasant in the time we have. But I want to have amazing sex, so maybe we need to have those hard discussions. When I think about it, I realize that it sometimes takes me a couple of hours of talking with Harold before we can have fabulous sex. I need to work out anything that’s bothering me so I can let go. I think Joel and I need to give ourselves time to sync up before we get physical.

Joel and I talked this morning. It was hard for me to bring the subject of our sex life up. It’s tempting to let it go, even though I’m dissatisfied with the direction our sex life is going. If everything else is good, does sex really matter? I think it does, so I’m willing to look at our relationship problems.

Sep 252011

Evoë looking off the porchI’m getting my groove on. Everything is starting to flow and I’m feeling sexy again. It’s not that I stopped feeling sexy exactly – more that it was taking a lot of effort to get to a place where sex could happen. I kind of think that I’m returning to a level of sexy that’s effortless. Maybe even sweating sex, where I feel like I’m made of sex and being in my body feels fantastic. I’d like that.

I know it seems like my life is all sex, all the time. It’s true that I make sex a huge priority in my life. I love sex. It feels great and brings me closer to my partners. But the past couple of years have been more of a struggle and I haven’t been feeling the sexy in my bones. But now, I’m flowing. I feel like an exotic flower blossoming in the moist heat.

My budding eroticism is likely caused by a combination of factors. First, I’m coming to the end of my intensive work on my past sex abuse. The world is starting to open up again. I don’t have to be trapped in pain, fear, and shame. It feels good to be so strong emotionally. I can own myself in a way I never have before. Next, my baby is almost three. Caring for her is less of a drain physically. She isn’t attached to my body for survival like she used to be. On some biological level, I think I must be reacting to an ability to reproduce resource-wise. Finally, I’ve lost 35 pounds since I started trying last February! I’m aiming to lose 15 more, but I can feel all of the differences in my body. I feel fantastic. I feel thin. I’m getting into better physical shape and that makes a huge difference in how I feel in my body.

I’ve noticed that some of my behaviors have been changing. I’m sending out sex vibes when I interact with someone I’m attracted to. Hell, even being attracted to people is an improvement. I’m noticing little erotic Evoë looking off the porchthrills with simple sensations, like raindrops hitting my skin or tasting something spicy. I hold myself differently. When I walk, my cunt becomes the center of the universe. Life reveals itself as a mystery to be explored.

Mostly, this is an internal change. It affects how I feel about myself. Slowly, it changes my outward behaviors as well. I’m waiting for the ripple effect to spill my sexy feelings further, but for now I just feel sexy. And that feels pretty darn good!

Sep 242011

My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure KitCalifornia Exotics keeps sending me vibrators to try out and I haven’t been impressed. But this month they mailed me a My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit. It’s a bright pink plug-in vibrator with 2 speeds and two attachments. It can stay.

The Mini-Miracle Massager (or MMM, for ease) is in the same class as the Hitachi Magic Wand and my personal favorite, the Wahl 7-in-1, but just not of the same caliber. MMM does have the power. The low setting is more than enough to get me off – high is just way too much for my sensitive bits, so it needs to be used with a layer or two of cloth between us. Still, MMM is not as powerful as Hitachi or Wahl. The motor started to overheat after 10 minutes. I can get off in the first 3 minutes, but then I like to skate around in that pleasure place and orgasm indefinitely. I think 10 minutes is not enough.

My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit on the nippleI do like the attachments on the Mini-Miracle Massager. One is a round probe (hard, smooth plastic) and the other is a long tongue (textured flexible plastic). The attachments press on to a socket on the side of the head of the vibrator and stay in place well. The probe tip is fantastic for straight ahead massage. My husband worked the knots out of my shoulders with it. It also works well against the clitoris. But I was most excited by the tongue. I don’t have any other vibrator with a long flat surface like this. It felt great against my nipples and amazing along the length of my vulva. My only complaint is that the head of MMM is flexible, so it was hard for me to get the pressure that I wanted with the tongue attachment. If I did get pressure, the motor slowed.

My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit controlsThe cord is 7 feet long, which is not too bad. Long enough to reach the bed, but not so long that I’m getting tangled in it. I like that it plugs into the base of the vibrator, so I can keep the cord plugged in but put the toy away. It allows for discreet storage with easy action potential.

My favorite feature of the Mini-Miracle Massager is the switch mechanism. It looks very vulvic. There’s a large oval with off, low, and high marked. Then there is a smaller, raised oval inside that slides up and down to switch speeds. And in the center of that is a small nub. It’s beautiful.

The rest of the design I’m unsure about. The handle is curved, presumably to make it easier to hold onto, but I think it still feels awkward. I mentioned that the head sits on a flexible neck. Well, with the attachments on the side of the head, MMM looks like a little guy or a duck. Now, I don’t mind having a little guy go down on me, but this whimsical idea is not necessarily what I’m looking for in a vibrator. My experience was that a lot of the vibration gets translated to the handle, my hand was tingly for 20 minutes. It’s also very loud. Not good if other people are around. Overall, the MMM is smaller than other plug-in vibrators on the market, and that can be a very good thing.

My Mini-Miracle Massager Pleasure Kit in useBasically though, I’m not giving up my Wahl. Compared to the Mini-Miracle Massager, it’s quieter, more powerful, sturdier, less expensive, and it has more attachments. But I am really loving the tongue attachment on the Mini-Miracle Massager. I guess it’s a good thing I can have them both!

Bottom line: Great little vibrator with a lot of power! Not a replacement for Hitachi or Wahl.

Grade: B+

Sep 232011

I’m crying. I’m in bed. I feel miserable, physically sick and emotionally bereft. I’m tired. There’s nothing left. But he’s here with me. He talks softly to me. I can feel the warmth of his body. I’m not alone, no matter how I feel. He’s with me.

His fingers brush along my arm. My skin pays attention, but I’m still head down in misery. He keeps running his fingers softly down my bare arm, from shoulder to elbow. Sometimes he touches my hair or face, but mostly my arm. He is still being comforting, supportive, but the energy has changed.

Suddenly I begin to laugh. Noticing the shift in energy has broken me out of my funk. He wants me. I can feel his desire in that one gentle line of his finger from shoulder to elbow. It thrills me. It awakens my desire. His touch communicates love, caring, and sexual arousal.

It’s not that he’s ready to fuck – he’s naked, I can see that he’s not hard. His interest is not sticky or inappropriate for the situation. He’s present with me while I’m struggling. And while I had trouble feeling him before, this electric graze of skin against skin lets me be with him again. If he wants me, then all is right with the world. I want him too. And why cry when we could make love?

I let myself respond to his touch. I rock my body back against his, back arched. I open up my sadness and anger and sink into now, this moment, where I am with my lover and we are letting the desire build between us. I feel very deeply connected. I breath with his touch, gasping when his fingers seem to accidentally graze my nipple. I give back, running my fingertips along his belly and thighs. I try to make him gasp.

I love that his love for me includes the sexual attraction. I’m grateful to be loved this way. Now he is openly tweaking my nipple. I writhe with longing and feel my cunt get wet. My fingers get closer and closer to his cock. When I get there, he is mostly hard already. My fingers explore his length. I rub and squeeze. His breath comes faster against my hair.

I want to see him, kiss him. He climbs on top of me. We are a tangle of limbs and blankets as he figures out how to go down on me. Then he is back and sliding into me. All is unbearable sweetness. The sadness I feel is translated into this love. This need to be deep inside each other. I touch his chest and kiss his mouth. He presses into me. It feels amazing. I can’t help moving to meet him, finding the place where it feels the best. I adore the soft nest of the bed. I am covered by his body. I want to stay here forever.

Of course, we keep moving, slow and sensual. I run my fingers across his back. I clutch at his shoulders as I thrust my hips up. He thrusts into me and he is coming. I have a few twinges of orgasm myself, but not enough. I squeeze my hand between us, but keep him inside me. I rub at my clit for a minute or two. I am very close because soon the waves of my orgasm push his cock out of me.

Power of touchOur lovemaking is so intense. I feel full of sweet, warm, golden light. It’s a light that encompasses us both. All of the emotion that I was feeling before is still there, but it’s been transformed by our love. I feel rooted instead of lost. How amazing, the power of a simple touch to bring me out of a trapped place into golden love.

Sep 202011

RodeoH dildo harnessFucking Harold in the ass is awesome. I loosen him up with a lot of lube and my fingers, then I fit just the head of my cock into his asshole. I love that moment when I’m poised above (or behind, or below) him, ready to slowly fill him – take him with my cock. It’s a moment full of desire and expectation. I like to look into his eyes so he knows how much I love him as I slide my cock into him.

Of course, I don’t have a cock of my own. I have to strap on. At first, I used a red leather harness and a silicone dildo. I adore the feel of the leather straps and the buckles, but I kept forgetting to put the harness on before I got lube all over my hands. (Slippery fun trying to fasten the buckles!) Sometimes, the harness felt awkward between us while we were fucking. I couldn’t feel Harold very well. And cleaning the leather took a lot of time. So we tried a two-way – basically, a strapless strap-on with one part that goes inside me to keep the cock in place. I love it. It’s easy to insert, easy to use, and easy to clean. I can feel more of what is going on between us. It even makes me orgasm. But if I get too excited, it falls out. Some positions don’t work very well. And sometimes I don’t want to have anything inside me. Moving around with the two-way inside me is uncomfortable. But what’s a grrrl to do?

Enter RodeoH. It’s a brilliant little harness brief with strength and style. Seriously, RodeoH looks like stylish brief-style underwear, with a built-in flexible ring in the front to slip your dildo into. It’s a fabulous idea! I’ve worn mine a few times and I’m very happy with RodeoH. Here are some of my high points…

The back of RodeoH dildo harnessLooks: Ok, it’s shallow, but I want to look good when I’m boning someone. RodeoH looks hot. I love the colors and the style. I think it’s the perfect blend of butch and femme for me. I feel hot wearing them.

Cost: At $45 RodeoH is the least expensive harness I’ve seen.

Accessories: My RodeoH’s came with a cute RodeoH dog-tag necklace (which I wore for three days then lost). How perfect is that? I’m totally imagining a culture in which these dog-tags are code for, “Why yes, I am ready to fuck you at a moment’s notice!” They also came in a little carrying bag. It’s a nice touch.

Comfort: I’ve worn these all day without any problems – just under my clothes like regular underwear. The fabric is soft and the leg openings are roomy. I usually wear thong underwear and I don’t tend to like briefs, but these are comfortable. I even slept all night in them without a problem. RodeoH’s are comfortable when in use with a dildo as well.

Here's my cockEase: I can’t believe how fantastically easy RodeoH is to use. Just pull out the waistband and insert a 5″ to 6″ dildo through the hole. Settle the base of the dildo against the pubic bone. Really easy. Clean up is easy too. I wash mine on delicate and hang them to dry.

Flexibility: Now I know how RodeoH gets its name. The design allows for a lot of flexibility. I feel like I could have rodeo sex, riding Harold around in any number of positions, while wearing these babies. Really, our creativity is the limit.

Preparedness: Like some super hero, I can wear this harness under my clothes and be prepared for any fucking emergency. This makes me happy.

Closeness: Perhaps the best thing about RodeoH’s are how close I feel to my partner. There is so little seperating us. I love that!

Of course, like anything, I did experience a few things that were less positive…

RodeoH harness with dildoBruising: Maybe it was the rodeo sex, but my pubic bone hurt for days after using RodeoH with a soft silicone dildo. There’s not really any way to adjust where the dildo sits.

Fit: My RodeoH’s are totally comfortable and fit properly, which is to say that they are a bit snug in order to have proper support for a dildo. My objection is a matter of aesthetics. They fit so snuggly that my fat bulges over the waistband. I hate to muffin-top. It made me feel less hot.

Cost: $45 is a great price for a harness but an expensive pair of underwear. I guess it depends on how you use it. If you are going to be wearing RodeoH fairly frequently, you probably want more than one pair. It would suck to be ready to get it on and then realize that your harness was in the wash.

Sensation: While I loved the flexibility in positioning that Rodeo allowed, I disliked not having as much sensation as I have with my two-way. I couldn’t feel Harold as well and I didn’t come.

RodeoH harness with dildoHygiene: What I totally failed to think about ahead of time was hygiene. I wore my RodeoH’s to my rendezvous with Harold, had wild butt sex, and then realized that I needed to remove the used dildo from my underwear. There’s really no way to do that without contamination and I didn’t want to keep wearing them after that. Just good to note.

Overall, I think that RodeoH rocks. I’m so happy that more women are designing awesome sex products. I can whole heartedly recommend RodeoH. It is available on their website or at Babeland!

Bottom line: I’m adding RodeoH to my toolbox, but I’m not giving up my two-way just yet.

Grade: A-

Sep 182011

EvoëAs much as I like spending time in bed, I’m not good at staying in bed all day doing nothing. I’ve been sick. The combination of a cold, allergies, and an asthma flare-up have me a bit breathless. In bed all day and breathless is fantastic for sex, but not so great when I’m not feeling well. It’s hard to even think clearly. Thankfully, I have some nice things to think about, building interest for later…

Like Joel and me going to a nice Jazz Club for dinner. We went to Boxley’s in North Bend, WA a few nights ago, at the recommendation of our friend, Girl in Jet City. Wow! I was really impressed by the caliber of the live music for it being in such a small town. According to Boxley’s website, they were voted one of the 150 best jazz clubs in the world by Downbeat Magazine. I love jazz! The music started shortly after Joel and I were seated. I just filled with joy. Joel was less enthusiastic. We have very different tastes. Joel listens to country music. He even goes to Walmart to buy it. I would never give Walmart my patronage. Joel drinks Coke Zero. I tend to drink Perrier or water with lemon. Joel plays computer games. My hobbies tend toward sex toys and conquering the world. Yet somehow, we are good together. And we ended up having a lovely dinner, listening to very good jazz.

And before I got sick, Harold and I did a day-hike pilgrimage to Goldmyer Hot Springs, which I wrote about a few months ago here. We walked a total of 11 miles and spent 3 hours soaking in the hot springs. It was deeply healing emotionally and spiritually. I cannot stress enough how magical this place is. And Harold and I took the opportunity to leave the trail and find a little hollow in the woods where we made love. We discovered that hiking shoes make for pretty intense ball kicking! There is something very sweet about lying down on the forest floor with my lover, canopies of green above us, the air fresh and clean, and life all around.

Masturbating in the forestUnfortunately, I started to not feel well as we finished our hike, and it expanded into full melt-down by the time we got home. It has made for a week of disinterest in sex. It’s hard to kiss or go down on my guys when I can’t breath. I’m not really in my body when I don’t feel good. I briefly considered masturbating on my evening alone, but couldn’t summon the energy or interest to make that happen. I’ve just been in bed feeling blah. In fact, I think I just tried to exchange my husband’s promise of oral sex for his attention to the housework. Really? Is help with housework better than oral sex? It is right now, but thankfully, he says I can have both!

I am getting better. Steroids are helping me breath better and the mucus has receded. I’m taking care of my body. I’m resting, which is really hard for me! Both of my partners had erotic dreams last night, and somehow I feel like that’s helping to hold the space for me. I can think happy thoughts, recuperate, and all of that lust will be accruing interest for when I’m well again. I can’t wait!

Sep 102011

FireAn element of danger can be a powerful aphrodisiac.

Yesterday Harold and I wanted to test out some products for review. When we got to his house, there were firemen wanting to go out to the edge of his lookout to see if they could spot smoke from a reported fire. They weren’t able to see anything. Harold and I went down to his cabin with all of our gear. Helicopters started circling overhead, presumably also looking for the fire (or were they after us?). We walked naked through the woods, trying to figure out what the helicopters were doing and hoping to catch sight of smoke ourselves.

We couldn’t see anything or even smell smoke, so we went back to the cabin. The thrumming helicopter noise ceased after a bit. For some reason, I felt incredibly turned on. I really wanted to throw myself into fucking – I wanted all of my holes filled, my body handled roughly, my senses overwhelmed. I wanted to consume Harold – take him all in, cover him in me, hurt him in all the ways he likes, dominate him with my kiss. Outside the cabin was the potential for danger. Inside the cabin was a pure, raw need to confirm that we were alive. Sex is a confirmation of the joy of being embodied. This is why so many babies are conceived during disasters.

Peek-a-booI started using a vibrator on myself. Harold soon came to help, slipping his fingers inside my cunt and twisting my nipples. I was right on the edge of coming, but not quite there. I asked him to fill me with chain, which he did with the help of a lot of lube. It’s an amazing feeling, the weight of all that chain, the way it slides around. I came before he quite got to the end, Harold’s finger in my ass. We left the chain in place for a while. I focused on Harold’s cock and balls. As part of some research I’m doing for a potential feature for the blog, I filled a toilet paper tube with lube and slid it over Harold’s erection. It was obvious that he liked it, but it was not entirely satisfactory.

I tossed the cardboard tube on the floor and used my hand instead, sliding my hand up and down in the lube, paying special attention to the head and frenulum. He had me go very, very slowly when I really wanted to pump like mad. From there I moved to ass play. I stuck one finger in his asshole, then two. I rubbed his prostate and his cock at the same time. He moaned and panted, making me feel powerful. I got my strap-on and slid into him, his knees hooked over my shoulders. I love this moment in our play, when I am buried deep in his ass and I’m looking into his eyes and I gather him to me and we kiss. I felt so incredibly close to him. There is so much love between us.

Cock, balls, & pre-cumSometimes I physically orgasm from fucking Harold anally. Yesterday was not one of those times, but I did come energetically, twice. The energy built up as we were fucking and I reached a point where I could totally feel myself shooting a load into him. I felt completely the boy. It’s lovely.

We cleaned up a bit from the anal play. Sad to say, I used Windex on my hands. It’s great with lube. I wanted to make love at this point, but it didn’t feel quite right. We snuggled and talked for a while. We went back out into the forest to see what was going on because the helicopters had started up again. We talked more. We decided to go back and make love.

Harold started off with an amazing oral sex session, licking and sucking and pressing against my g-spot with his fingers until I came hard. Then we traded places and I applied my mouth to his cock and my hands to squeezing his balls. When I knew that he was close to orgasm, I moved up to kiss him and guide his cock into me. It felt incredible. I could tell that we were both moments away from orgasm. I made Harold change positions so that he was behind me, doggy-style. I like being fucked like this because it’s so rough and primal. I like to feel him thrust inside me so deeply. I came and he followed, bellowing and grunting. I totally love it.

Lounging in the forestAfter, we lay in each other’s arms, gasping for breath and full of love. The air was heavy with the smell of sweat, shit, jism, and faint traces of smoke. It wasn’t at all unpleasant. There’s a particular satisfaction to having been well and thoroughly fucked. But our time was up. We packed up our things to go back up the hill. I debated walking naked, but ultimately decided to wear clothes. Which was good, because when we got back to the house, more firefighters were waiting, wanting to cut through to the fire – evidently an abandoned structure that had caught fire. At this point we could taste the smoke on the air.

They did take care of the fire. It would have been disastrous for us if they hadn’t been able to track down the fire and put it out. So I’m thankful to the Fire Department and the Sheriff’s helicopter for doing such a great job. I wouldn’t wish for fires so near, but I will say that the threat of danger did amazing things for my sex yesterday.

Sep 082011

Contemplating Wet For Her TwoI’m excited to begin reviewing sex toys and other items for Babeland! I’ve been so impressed with Babeland’s staff that it’s a pleasure to team up with them. So my first assignment? Review the most unique dildo I’ve ever seen – Two. Two was designed in France by a lesbian-oriented company, Wet For Her, and is basically an extension device that fits over two fingers. Imagine two large lavender silicone fingers making a come-hither motion at you and you begin to get the idea. It may look like a cartoon concept, but these fingers have potential!

The things I appreciate about this toy start with the packaging. There is nothing garish, obscene, or lewd – just a box with subtle colors and a beautiful erotic photograph depicting a woman with two of her fingers covering a nipple. There is very little information beyond that. I had kind of hoped for Ikea style drawn instructions showing what to do with Two, but I guess it’s pretty self explanatory. Just stick Two anywhere that you would put a couple of fingers.

I love the design of this sex toy. It purposefully does not resemble a cock in any way, on the premise that lesbians use fingers, not cocks. Why should their toys look like cocks? Personally, I’m happy that fingers are Wet For Her Twogetting their due as sex objects. I use my hands a lot when I make love. Two has a hollow opening for two fingers and then two inches of solid silicone. The only problem we ran into using Two is that neither of my guys could easily get their fingers all the way into the holes. It really is designed for a woman’s smaller hands. Harold finally used some water-based lube to get his fingers all the way in.

As a dildo, Wet For Her Two feels amazing! Harold applied lube and slid Two into my cunt. It was cold at first, but warmed quickly. Amazingly, it totally hit the spot that Harold’s fingers always almost touch, but rarely actually get to! It was more g-spot stimulation than I could handle and a lovely feeling of fullness. I had to have Harold pause for a few moments because it felt so intense. Then I orgasmed hard around Two.

From Harold’s perspective, it took a lot more leverage to push up against my g-spot with Two because of the added length. It translated to more forearm strain for him. He couldn’t tell what was going on inside me, where he normally goes by feel. He was able to detect the contractions of my orgasm, but he couldn’t sense anything else. He was worried about hitting the right spot without sensory information to guide him, but he needn’t have been concerned. Two feels just right in Harold’s hand!

Wet For Her TwoSadly, Wet For Her Two is not effective as a masturbatory tool. Not really. I can get it in, but I can’t get the right angle to achieve g-spot stimulation. I suppose if I get creative, I can rig something, but I usually want getting off to be quick and easy. The other problem with using it on myself if that my hand tends to block my clitoris, so I would be fighting to have both penetration and clit rubbing – my preferred method of coming. So I would say that Two is really a toy for partner use.

Experience says that any toy we use for g-spot can also be used for prostate stimulation. I haven’t tried it yet, but I can’t wait to get my Two up Harold’s ass. I bet it’s just as effective! Other than that, I cannot devise any other uses. Still, a great g-spot/p-spot tool is very valuable.

Wet For Her Two in useWet For Her Two is completely easy to care for. Soap and water works great for clean-up. It could even go in the dishwasher. I would feel comfortable both using Two in anal play and sharing Two with partners, knowing that I can sterilize the toy between uses. It doesn’t plug in or have batteries to worry about. It’s also fairly small compared to some toys. It’s nice having something that just slips into the bedside drawer or a travel bag.

Overall, I think Wet For Her Two is a winner. The novel design provides a means for low-tech, high impact g-spot stimulation in a manner that does not detract from your play. Two is, in all ways, easy to use. It may have been designed with women in mind, but it’s a toy that any couple can enjoy.

Bottom line: I’ve got a Two that says you’ll come.

Grade: B+

Sep 062011

stretch marksI have stretch marks on my stretch marks. They gleam like silver. They ripple like wind on a river. My stretch marks are badges of honor gained through 5 pregnancies. I am covered in stretch marks. I have them on my thighs, hips, belly, breasts, and even my upper calves. Most of them were acquired with my first pregnancy, when I was 17 and went from 140 pounds to 190 pounds. My body just couldn’t cope with that big of a change. But it means that I’ve spent my entire adult life covered in stretch marks.

I wish that I could say that I was in love with these stretch marks. I’m not. It’s the single thing I hate most about my body. Well, sort of. It is part of my body. I love my body, including the things that I don’t really like. Sometimes I even really love the stretch marks because they are a map of where I’ve been. The spiderwebs across my breasts are a symbol of the time I spent breast feeding my babies. The daggers across my belly remind me of being full and round with child. I don’t mind when my lovers run their fingers over my stretch marks. But I wish I could get rid of them.

I think it has to do with the sexual images that I see. The availability of sexual images has expanded with the internet, so I can now see attractive naked older women or curvier women, but I’ve never seen a woman with stretch marks. They’re probably airbrushed out. Smooth, supple skin seems to be the standard. So if I let myself, it’s easy to feel self conscious and unattractive.

Of course, that’s total bullshit. I know lots of attractive women who have stretch marks. I can see the beauty in them without thinking, “Damn, she’d be really hot if it weren’t for those stretch marks!” And my lovers think my stretch marks are hot. Harold says they are a sign of my strength and bravery. So why am I so hard on myself? Why am I letting myself feel competitive in an industry that I want to change? Who says that my stretch marks make me less attractive?

stretch marksI’m setting myself up, and I know it, but I still don’t want to have stretch marks. Maybe it’s still the reaction of a teen-ager who feels confused and betrayed about her body’s reactions to pregnancy. Maybe it’s a side-effect of getting older and wanting to look more youthful. Or living in a culture that marginalizes having children. Mostly, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see them. It’s only when I look at photos of myself that I’m critical.

So, here’s my new goal: love my stretch marks and make them look sexy. No airbrushing, just me. Maybe I can start a revolution.

Sep 052011

All oiled upI miss having a girlfriend. It’s been a year since I went to visit Erika in Hawaii. I haven’t been intimate with anyone female in that year. It’s been longer still since I had a regular girlfriend. I keep thinking about what it felt like to kiss girls a few nights ago. It’s so different from kissing boys.

I really love kissing. Girls are so soft. And some of them bite! And girls have yummy curves that I want to run my hands all over. They have breasts and smooth skin. I like the way that most girls smell. And some girls have cunts. I miss being able to stick my whole hand inside someone. I miss the joy of bringing someone to orgasm over and over until they can’t stand it. I like feeling my breasts pressed against another set of breasts. I want to twine my fingers in her hair and pull. I want to massage her back and ass. I want to take sexy photos. I want a fucking girlfriend!

I just haven’t been in the best place to start a new relationship. I have so little time as it is. I have 5 children and two life partners. What do I have to offer a girl? I have an abundance of love. I also have a fair amount of All oiled updesire. I’m working through my emotional stuff. I’m actually pretty stable, but I’m coming out of a needy phase. Would I be a good grrrlfriend? I’m enthusiastic.

And how would I go about finding a girlfriend? Shop around on OKCupid? Start looking at my friends in a different light? I know a lot of attractive and wonderful people. It seems so much easier with boys. I can tell when boys are into me, but I have no idea with girls. When I was younger I just turned straight girls, but now I’ve gotten all careful and responsible. Maybe when I’m ready the right girl will appear and I will recognize her.

Is the time for a girlfriend soon? I’m full of longing. I kissed a girl.