I’m getting my groove on. Everything is starting to flow and I’m feeling sexy again. It’s not that I stopped feeling sexy exactly – more that it was taking a lot of effort to get to a place where sex could happen. I kind of think that I’m returning to a level of sexy that’s effortless. Maybe even sweating sex, where I feel like I’m made of sex and being in my body feels fantastic. I’d like that.
I know it seems like my life is all sex, all the time. It’s true that I make sex a huge priority in my life. I love sex. It feels great and brings me closer to my partners. But the past couple of years have been more of a struggle and I haven’t been feeling the sexy in my bones. But now, I’m flowing. I feel like an exotic flower blossoming in the moist heat.
My budding eroticism is likely caused by a combination of factors. First, I’m coming to the end of my intensive work on my past sex abuse. The world is starting to open up again. I don’t have to be trapped in pain, fear, and shame. It feels good to be so strong emotionally. I can own myself in a way I never have before. Next, my baby is almost three. Caring for her is less of a drain physically. She isn’t attached to my body for survival like she used to be. On some biological level, I think I must be reacting to an ability to reproduce resource-wise. Finally, I’ve lost 35 pounds since I started trying last February! I’m aiming to lose 15 more, but I can feel all of the differences in my body. I feel fantastic. I feel thin. I’m getting into better physical shape and that makes a huge difference in how I feel in my body.
I’ve noticed that some of my behaviors have been changing. I’m sending out sex vibes when I interact with someone I’m attracted to. Hell, even being attracted to people is an improvement. I’m noticing little erotic thrills with simple sensations, like raindrops hitting my skin or tasting something spicy. I hold myself differently. When I walk, my cunt becomes the center of the universe. Life reveals itself as a mystery to be explored.
Mostly, this is an internal change. It affects how I feel about myself. Slowly, it changes my outward behaviors as well. I’m waiting for the ripple effect to spill my sexy feelings further, but for now I just feel sexy. And that feels pretty darn good!