Sometimes you have to hunt happiness down and force it into submission. At least that’s what my day was about. This past week has been very challenging emotionally. I’ve worked hard to take care of myself. I got a pedicure, went to the spa to meditate, had a two hour long therapy session, spent long hours talking to my partners, played with my kids, ate and slept well, and got into a huge fight with Harold. And still, things were occasionally so bad that I considered every out. I hurt. I’m angry. Being angry makes me feel helpless. But none of these emotions is about anything that is happening now.
Right now, I want to feel close to my family. I want to experience joy. I want to make love. I’m doing all of the self-care, but spontaneously joyful moments elude me. So now, I have to muscle my way to happiness. It isn’t easy. But it is possible. I just have to grab hold of my bliss.
For example, yesterday was Harold’s birthday and I wanted to do something nice to surprise him. We had a date scheduled and we almost always spend our dates in the cabin he built. So I plotted and planned ahead and went to the cabin a couple of hours before we were scheduled to begin. I built a fire. I put out a tray with champagne, glasses, an assortment of Harold’s favorite pastries, and fruit. I put roses everywhere and covered the bed in rose petals. Then I scattered rose petals on the trail up to his house.
I was so excited to have him see my work. I felt bad about fighting the night before. I wanted him to see how much I care. I figured he would be there in about half an hour. I was about to head back to my house, when our teen daughter’s school called to say that she was sick. Damn. Harold was the closest parent to her location at that moment. Of course I want to take care of my kids, but I also wanted to surprise Harold. I realized that it would just put us back an hour and came to terms with that. Harold went off to pick up the girl.
I waited, impatient and miserable. It’s so difficult to feel bad and desperately want to feel good. I get very struggly. But I keep trying to fake it until it works. I thought a lot about the sex that Harold and I might have. I haven’t been very into penis-in-vagina sex recently, but I still like to come. I thought about some of the toys that I have to review. I watched it start to rain, and I thought about all of the rose petals on the path. I wondered if the wind was blowing them away. Finally Harold showed up. I put my daughter to bed, checked in with the nanny, and we were off.
I felt as nervous as I would on a first date. It was pouring rain. We decided to walk down to the cabin naked, on the principal that our clothes would stay dry. It was sort of a mutual dare. We walked past the first few petals and Harold didn’t say anything, but I smiled. A few more steps and he mumbled something about Melanie doing a project. Then he started to suspect something.
We got to the cabin and Harold opened the door. The warm air wrapped around us like a blanket. Harold’s eyes filled with wonder. It was like watching a 4-year-old on Christmas morning. His face at that moment is going to be my happy thought for a long time to come. Yes, some of the desserts were melty and the champagne had gotten warm and the roses had wilted a bit, but it didn’t matter. He was touched that I had gone to the trouble and I was delighted to make him happy.
The best part, of course, was making love. I’ve never rolled around on top of rose petals before. It’s nice. We talked and our joy melted away lingering tensions between us. We got to a place of surrender, just flesh on flesh, hearts open to each other. We fed each other delicious morsels and used champagne in oral sex. We kissed, slowly and sweetly, lingering in the depths of each other. When the time was right, I invited him in and we fucked. It felt divine.
As is our want, we continued to make love long after Harold had orgasmed. There is always so much more to do. So many sensations to experience. Kisses to place in little hollows. Skin to taste. Important topics to discuss. Love to share. And as always, our time was over too soon, but I think my plans worked. I’ve managed to make happiness my bitch. Well, for a while. I’m still feeling pretty good. Things are still emotionally challenging, but I have a secret weapon. I’m not afraid to chase my own happiness and I am loved. I hold that in my heart for all of the gray days.