Oct 302011

Path of rose petalsSometimes you have to hunt happiness down and force it into submission. At least that’s what my day was about. This past week has been very challenging emotionally. I’ve worked hard to take care of myself. I got a pedicure, went to the spa to meditate, had a two hour long therapy session, spent long hours talking to my partners, played with my kids, ate and slept well, and got into a huge fight with Harold. And still, things were occasionally so bad that I considered every out. I hurt. I’m angry. Being angry makes me feel helpless. But none of these emotions is about anything that is happening now.

Right now, I want to feel close to my family. I want to experience joy. I want to make love. I’m doing all of the self-care, but spontaneously joyful moments elude me. So now, I have to muscle my way to happiness. It isn’t easy. But it is possible. I just have to grab hold of my bliss.

For example, yesterday was Harold’s birthday and I wanted to do something nice to surprise him. We had a date scheduled and we almost always spend our dates in the cabin he built. So I plotted and planned ahead and went to the cabin a couple of hours before we were scheduled to begin. I built a fire. I put out a tray with champagne, glasses, an assortment of Harold’s favorite pastries, and fruit. I put roses everywhere and covered the bed in rose petals. Then I scattered rose petals on the trail up to his house.

I was so excited to have him see my work. I felt bad about fighting the night before. I wanted him to see how much I care. I figured he would be there in about half an hour. I was about to head back to my house, when our teen daughter’s school called to say that she was sick. Damn. Harold was the closest parent to her location at that moment. Of course I want to take care of my kids, but I also wanted to surprise Harold. I realized that it would just put us back an hour and came to terms with that. Harold went off to pick up the girl.

Rose petals on the bedI waited, impatient and miserable. It’s so difficult to feel bad and desperately want to feel good. I get very struggly. But I keep trying to fake it until it works. I thought a lot about the sex that Harold and I might have. I haven’t been very into penis-in-vagina sex recently, but I still like to come. I thought about some of the toys that I have to review. I watched it start to rain, and I thought about all of the rose petals on the path. I wondered if the wind was blowing them away. Finally Harold showed up. I put my daughter to bed, checked in with the nanny, and we were off.

I felt as nervous as I would on a first date. It was pouring rain. We decided to walk down to the cabin naked, on the principal that our clothes would stay dry. It was sort of a mutual dare. We walked past the first few petals and Harold didn’t say anything, but I smiled. A few more steps and he mumbled something about Melanie doing a project. Then he started to suspect something.

We got to the cabin and Harold opened the door. The warm air wrapped around us like a blanket. Harold’s eyes filled with wonder. It was like watching a 4-year-old on Christmas morning. His face at that moment is going to be my happy thought for a long time to come. Yes, some of the desserts were melty and the champagne had gotten warm and the roses had wilted a bit, but it didn’t matter. He was touched that I had gone to the trouble and I was delighted to make him happy.

Harold with champagne and sweetsThe best part, of course, was making love. I’ve never rolled around on top of rose petals before. It’s nice. We talked and our joy melted away lingering tensions between us. We got to a place of surrender, just flesh on flesh, hearts open to each other. We fed each other delicious morsels and used champagne in oral sex. We kissed, slowly and sweetly, lingering in the depths of each other. When the time was right, I invited him in and we fucked. It felt divine.

As is our want, we continued to make love long after Harold had orgasmed. There is always so much more to do. So many sensations to experience. Kisses to place in little hollows. Skin to taste. Important topics to discuss. Love to share. And as always, our time was over too soon, but I think my plans worked. I’ve managed to make happiness my bitch. Well, for a while. I’m still feeling pretty good. Things are still emotionally challenging, but I have a secret weapon. I’m not afraid to chase my own happiness and I am loved. I hold that in my heart for all of the gray days.

Oct 232011

While Harold is gone for a few days, I am thinking a lot about him. I’m thinking about all of the really hot and sexy things we’ve done together and fantasizing about the things we haven’t done yet. The things that push us past our comfort, but turn us on like crazy. I want him so much. I want the things that scare us as well as all the lovely things that we enjoy together every time. I want everything. Today I am spinning a fantasy out of our desire, both tested and untried…


Evoë with cleavage and gartersWe are enjoying dinner together at our favorite restaurant. We’ve both dressed up a bit, as though for a special occasion. You’re laughing at something I’ve said. Your hand rests on top of mine. I look into your eyes and see how much you love me. I feel warm and happy. You smile and say, “I’m going to fuck you.”

I’m suddenly aware of the wetness between my legs. I press my palms against my legs. Through my napkin and my skirt I can feel my garter straps against my thighs. I want to touch my clit. I decide to go to the bathroom. You look at me with some amusement as I place my napkin on the table. “Bring me your panties,” you say, as though you know exactly what I’m thinking.

I’m a bit shocked, but also intrigued. I stand up carefully and step over to your side of the table. I bend to kiss you, aware that I am flashing the tops of my stockings to the gentlemen at the table behind us. It’s a long kiss, full of lust and tongue. After, I whisper in your ear, “You can have my panties, but only if you wear them.”

I sashay toward the restrooms. They are off a dim hallway, across from the abandoned coat-check. The ladies’ room is first and thankfully empty. I go in and lock the door. My hands run over my breasts and down my hips. I hike up my skirt and slide my fingers under my panties, finding my clitoris with my first two fingers. I lean against the door, breathing hard and thinking of how much I love you. My body is rigid, close to orgasm, when someone knocks on the door. Damn.

I quickly slide my underwear off and shove it in my purse. I smooth down my skirt. I flush the toilet for good measure. I wish that I were having an orgasm. I open the door. There’s no one there. Then I notice you back in the coats.

“You interrupted before I was done!” I accuse, but you don’t care. You press my back against the wall. Your hand holds the back of my neck, firm with your fingers in my hair. I want to argue, but I’m melting into you. I want you to kiss me so bad. But you don’t. Your other hand lightly traces my arm from bare shoulder to wrist. I’m pinned by your gaze. You cup my ass and pull me up against you. I can feel your erection. Finally you kiss me. I’m losing all sense of self. There is only this desire. And your tongue probing my mouth while you hold me tight.

You could fuck me right here and I would be happy, but I know that someone is bound to come by at any moment. Besides, I want to torment you some more. I grab hold of your balls through your slacks and squeeze. Your knees buckle a bit and you groan, but keep kissing me. I love you so incredibly much. I break off and push you back. “I have something for you Darling, “ I say as I pull my panties out of my purse, “Go put these on, I’ll take care of the check.”

You look at me for a moment, then take the lacy underwear and turn toward the men’s room. I’m waiting by the front door when you walk out. I wonder if anyone but me can tell that you are walking a little funny. I love knowing that you are secretly wearing my lingerie. I’m so turned on that each step to the car threatens to make me come.

Once in the car, you head for home. I’m quiet, thinking about who might get tied up when we get there. You put your hand on my knee, but it wanders up my thigh to my cunt. Soon my skirt is pulled up and once we’re on the freeway, your fingers are either buried in my cunt or rubbing my clit. I lean the seat back and let go. Soon I am moaning in pleasure as I finally find release, rocking against your hand. I watch as you lick your fingers.

Of course I’m going to return the favor. I unzip your pants and slip my hand inside, running my fingers over the hardness of your erection under the lace of my panties. I pull your cock out and pump up and down a few times, liking your reaction. I lean over and put my head in your lap. I lick the head of your cock, favoring the sensitive frenulum. Then I slowly take the whole thing in my mouth, as deep as it will go. I hope that you can still focus on driving, but I don’t want to wait until we get home.

I am focused on giving you the best blowjob ever, so I don’t notice at first that we are slowing down. When I pop my head up to see what’s going on, I’m not sure where we are. It appears to be a deserted dead-end road with a park. There’s only one streetlight, but the moon is full and bright. You drive to the end and park the car.

Harold in the woodsI think that we might just fuck here in the car, but you tell me to get out. You come around to my side of the car and carefully remove my heels, stockings, and garter belt. You kiss me again, deeply. “Now run,” you say.

I’m confused. Run? You nod toward the park and start to remove your own shoes. I laugh, perhaps with an edge of hysteria, and start to half-heartedly jog. After 20 paces I stop and look back. You are just removing your pants. I see you start after me and I run more seriously.

I race across the grass, dodging branches and ferns. I feel my limbs go liquid, so that I seem to be gliding across the ground. I feel animal. I am chased. I love it. You are a beast come to take me. I run deeper into the brush.

I’m not sure how you manage it, but you circle to the side and surprise me. You leap onto me, taking me down. We roll together, landing in a pile of leaves. You are on me instantly, flipping me face down and plunging your cock into me. We are both grunting and howling. I exist only for the thrill of each thrust, for the rhythm of our mating.

Evoë gone wildI feel you so deeply and intimately. I can tell your orgasm is building to match mine. We get closer and closer with each thrust. You are fucking me so hard. I love how wild and savage we are. Suddenly your yell fills the night and I am coming with you. We are rocking together with the fierce joy of the moment and declaring our passion for the world to hear. We have claimed each other and been taken.

We murmur soft lover’s words to each other as we pick leaves from our hair, animal grooming for animals in love. Slowly we find our feet again and make our way back to the car, arms wound around each other. We put our clothes back on, grinning at each other foolishly. We climb into the car and I think again about who gets tied up when we get home.

Oct 222011

JoelI’m aching for Joel. He found a woman he really likes, who really likes him. They’ve spent all week talking, chatting, texting, meeting, emailing, and Facebooking. Joel has called me up, the joy, fear of rejection, and anticipation all evident in his voice. He’s seemed more alive, pleased that someone saw him and wanted him. I’ve listened to him outline all of the details and I’ve been so happy for him. He is my best friend as well as my husband. I support him in all things. We are life partners.

Ultimately, I think it was the closeness that Joel and I share that may have frightened his potential girlfriend away. She has never been in a polyamorous relationship before. It’s difficult to explain poly to people whose life experience has not given them a context. So, for the record, let me clear up some myths. (I’m speaking specifically about my relationships here, but I think that my beliefs might be true for other poly people. It’s always good to ask people directly.)

  1. We’re cheating on each other. Actually, we talk to each other all of the time about our other relationships. Our marriage vows did not include any promises to be sexually faithful. We never agreed to be each other’s “one and only,” so it isn’t a betrayal to have relationships outside the marriage. For the record, we also never promised “forever.” We agreed to stay together for as log as we stayed in love. Now, if Joel started seeing someone and didn’t tell me about it, I would feel betrayed.
  2. We have unsafe sex with tons of people, indiscriminately. Define tons. No, seriously, I pretty much only have sex with myself, Joel, and Harold. I’d like to have more sex, but my life isn’t there right now. The problem is that Harold’s wife, Melanie also has a boyfriend, who sees other people. So of course safer sex practices are important! They are extra important for us. We have 5 children to raise. Safer sex and polyamory requires trust and more communication.
  3. I tricked Joel into this lifestyle. This makes me laugh. We talked and fantasized about being polyamorous for a few years before we got married. We had some relationships with other people but kept them low profile. We wanted another person to raise our family with because 2 people are not enough. We assumed that would be a woman, but it turned out to be Harold and Melanie. The four of us decided to have a baby together. Joel and I are partners in polyamory, as in everything else.
  4. We’re unethical. No one can be perfect all the time, but ethics are VERY important to me. Honesty and open communication are the cornerstones of my life. I consider other people’s emotions as much as possible in my decision making. We’re not going around trying to trick people into things. We don’t lie about being poly.
  5. If we’re married, there isn’t room for anyone else. This is obviously untrue. When Joel and Melanie pushed Harold and me into exploring our attraction, no one knew what it would end up looking like. Now Harold and I are also full partners, as well as Joel and I. Everyone is equally important. In any case, I only spend 3 days a week with Joel. He has room.
  6. If you’re serious about a relationship, you have to get married. This is my favorite myth and I think it’s based on our cultural norms. There are lots of serious relationships that don’t have anything to do with marriage. For me, marriage is a legal contract that has to do with agreeing to raise children together. I think that polyamory gives people the opportunity to break free of cultural norms and explore each relationship without pressure. Maybe fuck buddies is what the relationship is meant to be. Maybe you just share a hobby or interest. Maybe you spend every minute together or maybe you see each other once every six months. Every single relationship is valued for what it is.
  7. It will harm the children. How exactly? Our children have 4 parents to support them. That’s way more stability than 2. Children only care if it affects them. Our nearly 3-year-old daughter proudly says that she has two mommies and two daddies. She feels sad for people with only 2 parents. I take my parenting pretty fucking seriously. I would not do anything that would harm my children. They are growing up in an environment of love.
  8. Polyamorous people don’t feel jealousy. Ha! Of course we feel jealous sometimes. You know what? Jealousy is an opportunity. It gives me a chance to look at my stuff. If I feel jealous, it’s because some need of mine is not getting met, not because my partner is doing anything wrong. If I examine my feelings, I can communicate my needs and probably get what I want. Polyamory has been a fantastic therapy method for me.

Polyamory is not the same as the Lifestyle (Swinging) or polygamy. You can not gauge my life by watching Big Love, no matter how entertaining. We are not trying to push our choice onto others. The whole point is that everyone gets to love in a way that is right for them. Joel’s friend has every right to decide that she can’t love him because he’s married. It just makes me sad. From what Joel says, she’s lonely and needs love. I hate to see people reject a chance at happiness.

I’m sad for Joel. He deserves to be seen and loved. Things are not always easy for him, away from his family so much. I’m hoping that this is just a beginning for him, an opening of spirit that connects him with someone he can really give himself to. In addition to me.

Oct 212011

Mystic WandI’ve been converted. I have a new favorite vibrator. I wasn’t expecting it. It just happened. I used it in the shower and I was hooked, just like that! I find myself fantasizing about my Mystic Wand at odd moments, dreaming of when I’ll have a few moments alone with it again.

Here is what I love about the Mystic Wand:

  • It’s powerful. It’s not quite up to a Magic Wand or a Wahl as far as sheer power, but to be honest, I’ve never needed that much juice. I tend to feel bruised with that much pounding. The Mystic Wand is just the right amount of stimulation for me.
  • It has 3 speeds and 3 patterns. I enjoy some variety. I like to warm up to each speed, then cycle through the patterns to see what feels right. It’s fun to tease myself.
  • The power button is separate. Sometimes I need to turn a vibrator off quickly. I don’t want to fuss with clicking through each setting to find off. I just want the damn thing off. Now. Mystic Wand seems to know this.
  • It has a flexible neck. Unlike the Magic Wand, Mystic Wand has some give between the head and the body. This is awesome because it helps me to find just the right position. I can still get good pressure, but there’s also good movement.
  • It has batteries! I hate having to plug in. The cord is always in the way. I don’t want an industrial extension cord under my bed. The batteries are easy to install. I’m still on my first set of batteries after about 5 uses.
  • It’s waterproof! (This was my first criterion, after all.) I want a vibrator I can take in the shower, the only place in the house where I know I’ll be alone for a few moments.
  • It’s not too loud. It seems like many of the good vibrators are very noisy. The Mystic Wand starts off fairly quiet and gets louder with each speed. One of the patterns sounds just like turning on a fan.
  • Taking it traveling is easy. Mystic comes with it’s own travel sack. You can take out the batteries so it doesn’t turn on accidentally, and carry everything in the little white cloth bag. I will be carrying this vibrator with me where ever I go.
  • The size and shape. The Mystic Wand feels just right in my hand. It’s not a strange shape. It doesn’t try to be a cock, although it is roughly phallic. I like the weight. It’s just good.
  • It’s pink! It comes in black as well, but I’m thrilled about the hot pink color.

Mystic Wand in useThe only thing that I don’t like about the Mystic Wand is that the head seems to pick up dust, lint, and hair like crazy. I’m always washing it off, which I guess doesn’t hurt anyway. (Do those ridges on the head increase pleasure or are they there to attract sock fibers?) But it’s a small thing overall and easily forgivable. I’m just in love with the Mystic Wand. I think it’s the perfect vibrator for me. I’m already planning on buying a few more. It makes me come like crazy and the orgasms are great!

Bottom line: This is the happiest I’ve ever been with a sex toy.

Grade: A

Oct 192011

Working up to fistingA couple of my favorite names in porn, Courtney Trouble and Jiz Lee, have declared October 21st, Fisting Day. Fisting is the act of inserting a whole hand into the vagina or anus. While fisting is a beautifully intense sexual act, it is rarely depicted in porn because mainstream distributors won’t show it. Courtney and Jiz are coming out to say that hand sex is amazing. We want to support them in that stance.

I’ve never done any anal fisting, but I’ve experimented with vaginal fisting. It started about 5 years ago with my girlfriend handing me a copy of A Hand in the Bush by Deborah Addington. I read it cover to cover. And then my husband read it. It’s not a very long book, but it covers the world of vaginal fisting quite well. Sadly, I never did any fisting with that girlfriend, but I owe her a debt of gratitude for the introduction.

My first “hands on” experience was with my husband’s girlfriend. I loved playing with her because it was so easy to get her off. One evening, after a dozen or so g-spot orgasms, I started slowly easing my whole hand inside her. That moment when the widest part of my hand slipped inside, her eyes widened and met mine. There was such an intense connection between us. I can’t imagine a better way to feel that close to another human being.

It’s harder for me to be receptive with fisting. I have found that it’s a very good thing to do if I’m not in the mood for fucking, but want to feel close. Harold and I have been exploring fisting. Generally, we start with an orgasm or two, then he slowly uses his hands, tongue, and a some tools, like vibrators and nipple clamps to turn me on and stretch out my cunt. It takes us about 45 minutes to get to the point where he pushes past the wide part of his hand.

Harold’s hands are rather large. He has long elegant fingers. When we get to that point where his whole hand could go in, it tends to be a bit uncomfortable. I’ve only been able to relax enough to pleasure through it a few times. I’m usually goal-driven rather than open. And sometimes I can’t handle anything in sex that reads like pain. But when it has worked… astounding. Breathtaking. Totally hot. Lovely. Like a closed circuit between us.

Working up to fistingEven though we don’t always go all the way, I adore fisting. I like the feeling of fullness. I like permission to focus on me sexually in a context that I don’t feel guilt over. It’s just what the process is. My job is to relax, open up, and feel good. It’s amazing stress reduction and fabulous for our relationship. I’m opening up in more than one way.

Still with me? Think you might want to try some fisting? If this is your first time, Babeland has a good easy guide for how-to, Vaginal Fisting. Be sure and use lots of lube! Take off your rings and trim your nails. And have fun. Happy Fisting Day everyone!

Oct 162011

Fall colorThe Autumn leaves are gorgeous. I noticed them in all of their unique fiery glory this morning while I was walking. I want to collect them – pick them up and take them home, but I know that they won’t look as nice after a day or two. They look better outside. Each day offers a fresh beauty. In a month I will admire the bare branches stark against the sky. In two months, perhaps snow. Nature is always offering me her best face. I see beauty everywhere. Yet it is a beauty that is impossible to hold onto.

Human beauty is like that too. The leaves had me thinking about myself while I walked, about my body image. I tend to focus on some time before or after now as a time that I have been or will be more attractive than now. I was very proud of my body as a young woman. After having children I worried that my breast sagged too much, or that I was too heavy. I wanted my pre-baby body back and judged myself by society’s standards of young beauty. I see now that my transformed body was simply the changing of the season. A different kind a beauty – one of lush fullness and fertility. Today I noticed, for the first time, that there are lines by my eyes when I really smile. It’s another kind of passage, one of having lived and known joy.

I realize that it’s like noticing the leaves and seeing the beauty of today. I want to stop judging my own beauty based on what I should look like and instead stay open to experiencing what is beautiful about me today. I may still want to lose 15 pounds and I may need a haircut, but today there is a sparkle in my eyes and something playful in my manner. It shines through. Tomorrow will be something new, a fresh beauty.

Sometimes I just become aware of something I love about my body – like the hollow of my knee when it’s bent or the curve of my breast near the armpit. I experience love for myself in small ways. It helps that we take so many pictures for the website. I get to see myself in new ways. In a few years I will look different and I will have these photos of now to remind me of the beauty that is today. Life is always about catching a perfect moment as it passes. I won’t regret the loss of today’s beauty because I know that tomorrow brings new wonders.

Oct 142011

Nipple in the shower sprayI step into the shower. The lights are dim and soft music is playing. The children are asleep. It’s just me. I start to relax under the hot spray. It’s been a long day and a stressful week. I turn the water up as hot as I can stand it and let it pound against my back. I can let go. I don’t have to jump at every little noise. It’s okay to spend some time with myself.

I wash my hair. I let myself get drawn into the music and the sound of the shower. I start to breath slower and deeper. I feel myself present in my body. And I start to cry.

I give myself that. I let myself have it all out. The crying helps me to relax. I feel more grounded now. I realize that the water beating against my nipple feels pretty good. I switch to the other nipple. I’m starting to feel turned on. And for the first time in my life, I don’t have to share a shower with one or more children. I keep a vibrator in my shower now. No one is going to ask me what it is or pretend to drive it around the bathroom. It’s just mine. My time, with my vibrator, in my shower.

I use the vibrator on my clitoris while the water works on my nipples. My mind is blank. I’m just in the moment, experiencing my pleasure. All too soon, I come. Slow rippling waves of pleasure fill my body. I slump against the wall of the shower, staring idly at the tile. I come back to myself.

I am so grateful for this time. I’m so busy all of the time that I sometimes forget that I’m my own best company from time to time. I need to pamper myself. I need to escape the stress and just feel like a princess. A self-pleasuring princess.

Oct 132011

Before using the Stamina PumpKink is a funny thing. It’s hard to say why we get turned on by the things we do. But it is fun to try them out! Along these lines, I have been eager to test out a penis pump for about a year. Finally, California Exotics was nice enough to provide me with one of theirs, the Stamina Pump, and much fun and mayhem ensued.

I did do some research about penis pumps and learned that they do work for men with erectile dysfunction. Just pump up and slip on a cock ring – instant erection. In fact, pumps can work where Viagra does not. For many men, penis pumps are a great resource that lets them fuck when nothing else would. I think that’s awesome. Other men pump in order to increase their penis size. Everything I read leads me to believe that a pump cannot actually increase penis length, but by all means, pump away and prove me wrong. Finally, some men use a pump to help them masturbate. In all cases, it is not recommended to use the pump for periods of time longer than 20-30 minutes. Go gently and listen to your body so you don’t damage yourself.

Lubing up the Stamina PumpThe Stamina Pump came with a long list of cautions, such as my favorite, #5, “Misuse of a pump may aggravate an existing medical condition such as Peyronie’s disease, priapism, and urethral strictures.” All of these are different kinds of erectile disfunction. People with Peyronie’s disease experience an abnormal bend in the penis during an erection. I can see where this would be a problem. Priapism involves a painful, long-lasting erection – like more than 4 hours, without any sexual stimulation. Again, makes sense to avoid a penis pump. But Urethral strictures are simply a narrowing of the urethra. That one makes me nervous. Do erections normally narrow the urethra? Are people with urethral strictures prohibited from getting hard?

The rest of the warnings are pretty standard: consult a physician, stop if it hurts, use the minimum amout of vacuum pressure, the pump may cause bruising or hemorrhage of the penis or scrotum, and misuse could cause swelling or permanent damage of the penis. Are you scared yet?

Warnings aside, there is something about penis pumps that is inherently funny. I mean, the packaging on the Stamina Pump says things like, “Rise to new heights” and “Reach your full potential.” Someone had fun with that copy.

Look, science!Penis pumps also appeal to my scientific side. For example, the Stamina Pump has “universal measurements,” designed, no doubt, for scientific study, right? Well, I wanted to do my own small fact-finding study, so I recruited two subjects. Ok, so really Joel, Harold, and I ate Thai food and got naked together. I always feel super lucky to have sexy time with both of my partners at the same time! We have fun.

Joel got to go first. I rubbed water-based lube onto his cock and greased up the rubber opening of the pump. Lube is supposed to feel better and make it easier to remove the pump when the penis is erect. I slid the pump over his limp cock and seated the base firmly against the base. After making sure that he was ready, I squeezed the bulb gently and released. His cock twitched a bit. Cool! I did it again. And again. Until his cock was hard and standing tall.

Hmmm, this measurement can't be rightMy inner geek went wild. We had created vacuum suction to make Joel’s cock hard. Could we make it any larger? I had my choice of inches or centimeters. I watched the measurements carefully while I pumped. Yes, it did get bigger! By about 1 cm.

Then we wanted to get him out of the pump so we could do something about that erection. There’s a button on the bulb that release the vacuum seal on the pump. It provides immediate relief, but it doesn’t totally negate the suction. Some people would apply a cock ring to the penis at this point to maintain the erection, but we didn’t. Despite an eagerness to get my hands on his cock, we had a bit of trouble freeing him. His penis is on the larger side and very girthy. The lube dried up during the pumping and he got kind of stuck in the rubber opening, but we did manage to release him.

Harold’s experience was very similar, but we used silicone lube instead, so there wasn’t any issues getting out. Although Harold’s penis is smaller than Joel’s, he also increased about 1 cm by continuing to pump after he got hard. Then Harold wanted to try something he’d seen in a porn video – removing the rubber opening and vacuum sucking his  penis and scrotum into the pump. It worked, but I don’t think it really did much to excite him.

Happy endingAs special compensation for aiding my with my experiment, both subjects were treated to hand and/or blow jobs. I had to verify that each hard-on was authentic and functional, right? Check, both cocks functioned at or above specification.

We had a great time experimenting with the Stamina Pump. It did everything I wanted it to do. I even tried it on my nipple. I haven’t used anything like a penis pump before, so I don’t have anything to compare it to. Still, I think that the Stamina Pump is probably a decent product.

Bottom line: For erectile problems or just fooling around, a penis pump might be worth your time and money.

Grade: B+

Oct 112011

National Coming Out DayToday is National Coming Out day (recognized internationally)— a day for people to honor and celebrate sexualities that are sometimes dangerous to embrace publicly. October 11th is the anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. In 1987 I was 14 and being raised by lesbians. Things have changed a lot since then. I am so grateful to everyone who marched or in other ways were open about who they are. So many courageous people have taken huge risks to make it safer for my children to be whoever they end up being.

WholeSexLife is all about normalizing all kinds of sex. We support just about anything consenting adults choose to do with each other: We support people’s right to express their unique gender identity, we support solo sex, partnered sex, multi-partnered sex, and in some cases, no sex, and we support everyone’s right to own their bodies. The brilliant thing about National Coming Out Day is that it gives us each a chance to say who we are, for the world to see. I believe that even that small thing helps change the world in massive ways.

So… I, Evoë Thorne, am a  kinky, polyamorous, pansexual, gender queer femme with an emerging masculine side. I enjoy bondage, cock and ball torture, and anal play. I consider myself married to two men. I am attracted to people of all genders – or rather, I am attracted to people, not gender.

No shocking revelations there, but I think it’s important for me to own my sexual identity. My sexuality is also constantly evolving. It’s useful to think through it from time to time. It’s good to say, this is who I am and I’m proud to be this person. So celebrate National Coming Out Day with us and think about your sexual self. Share those thoughts with someone else. Share them here. Shout them out loud! But be proud.

Oct 072011

 I love you and I love your body. I feel honored and happy that you choose to share it with me sometimes.”

We were talking on the phone, having stolen away a few minutes to share with each other how the day was going. When he said these words to me I was only half listening, but something about them spoke to some hidden part of me. As though he had uttered magic words, I have walked through the rest of my day feeling a slow metamorphosis change me from the inside out.

There are things that I believe utterly and hold sacred. That each person owns themselves is one of those truths. Yet, it’s hard to overcome the programming of sexual abuse. Sure, it’s great to own one’s self and body, but if no one else believes it and violates your right to choose, it is very difficult to feel empowered. If he had said anything about me owning myself I would have mentally gone, yeah, yeah, yeah, and moved on. But no, he expressed gratitude that I have chosen to be with him. His appreciation goes straight to my heart. I weep that I am so respected and valued.

The next thing I noticed was that he had no expectations. There was no implication that I was now required to meet any kind of need for him simply because I have given myself to him in the past. His love is not dependent on me meeting his needs. There are no assumptions that I will choose to share with him again. He is simply grateful for each and every time we make love or talk on the phone or make dinner together. I am my own person and he is happy to have me when I choose to give myself.

This brings up the issue of consent for me. I’m not very good about giving clear consent and I think it’s hugely important. In his way, he has always made sure that I was giving full and clear consent to our sexual encounters. I have blossomed in this environment, but it has also confused me. Having given myself initially, I felt that he could do what he wanted with me. When he refused, it felt like rejection. All of a sudden today, I feel like I understand. Even though we are in a serious relationship, we gift ourselves to each other anew, every time we make love. We don’t necessarily have to negotiate, but we do offer consent. This concept makes sex so much more powerful and emotionally driven. We make love because we have something to share. We each bring something to the other and we choose to be there.

When I contemplate his statement some more I am struck by how lucky I am to have him in my life. Like all of us, he struggles to balance too many things. Sometimes I am resentful at how little of his time I have, but when I think of it in terms of what he said to me today, I have to believe that every moment he spends with me is out of choice. He is with me because he loves me and wants to give himself to me. Strangely, this makes me feel better about the times that he is not with me – both because I can choose to devote myself to something else (not being tied to him) and because I feel more confident about him coming back to me. It makes being polyamorous easier. It means that all of us in the system give ourselves where we will, out of love and desire.

Photo by David Steinberg 2011

Photo by David Steinberg 2011

I feel so special. I want to hold on to this feeling – like maybe I’m 50 feet tall. I have known intellectually that I owned myself, but I haven’t been able to break away from the culture I grew up in. Whether these were the magic words that transformed me, or the key in the lock that turned the truth golden, I feel freed from a trap I didn’t know I was in.

Darling, I am grateful for your words. I am happy to share my body with you when I choose. I feel so blessed to have you give yourself in return.