Oct 032011

Sexy and smokingI’m feeling dangerous. All of my lust for power is welling up when I think of sex. My careful sex-positive ethics go out the window. I want to hurt people. I want to push them into doing things they didn’t think they’d want to do. I want to seduce them and take them to a place where they are drowning in erotic possibilities. I want to make them beg for humiliation. I want to corrupt their desire. I want control.

It’s a lipstick kind of mind-set. Power requires it’s own uniform. Mine includes strappy high heels, stockings with cuban heels and a seam up the back, a little black skirt, garters, lacy panties, push-up bra, clingy low-cut top, and maybe a hat with a veil. Lots of make-up. Alcohol goes nicely as well – perhaps a glass of red wine or a shot of whiskey. I tend to want to smoke when I feel like this, even though I quit 15 years ago. I very occasionally smoke a clove cigarette or a cigar. It’s all about being a femme fatale.

So far in this fantasy, I have an intention and a costume. Now I need victims. Sometimes I think about heading to the nearest bar and picking someone up. If I feel particularly bad I might seduce the entire bar, taking one person at a time out the back door. Sometimes I punish myself for these thoughts by thinking that I would be very risky in my behavior – go home with sleezy men, not use protection. If I feel better about myself, I pick people up at some sex-positive event.

Coming to get youThe key factor here is that I get people so under my spell, so turned on, that they can’t think clearly any more. Then I can lead them into doing the very things that they profess to abhor. Like a housewife who has only ever fucked her husband suddenly demanding to be fucked by the football team, many of whom are friends with her teenage son. Or a man who loathes gay men begging me to fuck him in the ass. I want to use my power to make people question their sexuality. I want them to know shame.

I know that this fantasy of mine goes back as far as my childhood sexual abuse. I wanted to do to them what was done to me. And for years I did. Through high school and my early twenties, I was unable to fully break away from the power dynamic, one way or another. I played sex games even with the people I cared about. It took me years to realize that I could have the same dynamic without the pain and guilt. I still get terribly turned on by power, I just try to do it ethically now. Consent is very important.

Riding cropWhich means that I have to try to contain myself until my date with Harold tomorrow. We’ve already negotiated a lot of this power dynamic stuff. I can hurt him in a variety of ways and it will turn him on. I also know that if I get out of hand, he’ll let me know. I want to hurt and dominate him in just the right ways. Yes, it’s a little disappointing not to be bad,  just to take what I want, but I think that it’s worth it to feel safer and more ethical. I like that we can harvest the lust from my fantasies and use it.

In the meantime, I have a date with Joel where I might work out some of my desires. And maybe I’ll write some erotica, try to get this lust for power out of my system.