Nov 222011

Deep dark fantasiesThere are fantasies that I keep very close – deep dark things that turn me on like crazy, but I’m ashamed to share. I’m scared that if I open up to my lovers I will be rejected. Maybe I’m too dirty, too perverted. These fantasies lurk on the edges of my consciousness. I’m too ashamed of my desires to pull them into the light and look at them.

Also, I’m afraid of delving too deeply into these fantasies. What if I lose control? What if I’m completely swept away by lust? I fear betraying myself and the people I love. Well, and, I’m afraid that if I do look too closely, these fantasies will lose their power to turn me on beyond reason.

So I just get flashes and feelings: his hand on my throat – me on my knees – humiliation – his breath against my ear as he tells me how special I am – enduring pain to prove my devotion – being on display – rope – his hands knotted in my hair – my eyes downcast…

These are difficult fantasies for a grrrl who considers herself a feminist and a Top. Can I respect myself and expect respect from others if I admit that I crave being possessed, objectified, and cherished? Is it bad that I want to give myself to my partner in this way?

I don’t give myself easily. I fight back. But I want to touch that core shame that I carry around. I can heal the destructive aspects of shame through sex. I want my partners to know me, totally – even the prickly or uncomfortable parts. Even the parts too dirty to see the light of day. I don’t feel like I can be truly loved until they do.

I think Harold and I are finally reaching an understanding around my fantasies. We met for lunch. In the middle of the crowded restaurant, we talked about what a scene might look like. I began to fill with heat. My panties got wet. My heart pounded in my chest. We gazed intently into each other’s eyes as he gripped my wrist in his hand. For a few moments he held me entirely. I was his. We both knew it and it turned us on. With the promise of more to come, we are both highly aroused.

I feel reassured. Maybe I can have what I want. Perhaps my fantasies are not too extreme. I just need to keep trying to articulate what it is I want. I’m so open about most of my sexuality. I can teach, I can ask for all kinds of things in the bedroom, I can share intimate details about my sex life on the internet – but wanting to submit makes me feel hurt and hostile. I know that I fetishize humiliation and shame because of the abuse I went through as a child. I wish that Harold would just take me and I wouldn’t have to try to explain. That he would just get it. I’ve been trying to help him get it.

But I also want control. I want our love making to be right, whatever we do. Ultimately, I want sex to be a conversation. I want to talk about everything. I want each of us to be communicating. For my part, I’m working on letting go of the shame that gets in the way, and keeping the shame that feels hot and sexy. It’s confusing, but I’m getting it. I’m owning my deep dark fantasies a little at a time.

  • Hardin Reddy

    I have a new lover who has similar desires . . . though she is a top (and loves topping another of her men), she is drawn to me because we have talked about me topping her in the way she longs to be dominated.  The illusion of domination is shattered if she has to map it out.  It’s an art to pick up and act on her hints.  Hopefully Harold will pick up and act on yours.

  • EverydayAverageHousewife

    This is something I have trouble with as well.  I get a bit of a sexual high off roughness and fear.  I’m always worried about bringing these things up with my husband because he’s such a romantic that treats me like glass.  I worry that if we go too far into my darker fantasies it will change the loving between us.

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