I’m pondering the different meanings of the word “rut.” On the one hand it’s wild animal sex – a condition of being in heat, mounting and fucking each other – which is wild, primal, steamy, and awesome. On the other hand, a rut is a furrow in the ground made by repeated passage over the same territory – wearing a a familiar path. That can be good, in terms of sex, to know someone well enough to have a path to follow. It’s the final meaning of rut that worries me though – an established mode of procedure, usually dull and unpromising. I’m afraid of falling into a rut.
I don’t ever want to have a set way of making love. I want to follow the energy of our connection to the logical conclusion. I don’t want to stop fantasizing about the next time we’ll be together. It’s just that, lately, all of my fantasies go by the wayside once I’m in his arms.
We know each other so well. I know just how to touch him to make his breath come quicker. He knows how to lick and suck me so I writhe and groan. We kiss. We press our bodies together. Our eyes meet. We know exactly how to hurt each other in all the right ways. And despite my wicked plans to torture and delight each other further, we end up fucking in the the best positions for us because it feels so incredibly good.
We’re following the path worn by our desire and knowledge of ourselves. It’s a choice to pursue our bliss directly. More in the groove than a rut. I’m not very good at prolonging the payoff. I’m an instant gratification girl. Sure, I can see how we could enjoy ourselves for the next 3 hours, but I also know that we could both come in the next 5 minutes. What’s the right decision? In the moment I will almost always opt for orgasm now. Who knows what will happen later? And honestly, I’m a grrrl. I can come now and later.
This came up for me yesterday, making love with Harold. I had emotional stuff up that I didn’t want to deal with, so I unconsciously rushed into sex. Then, even though we both kind of wanted to explore other things, we followed all of the familiar routes of making love because it was comfortable and safe. It can be very comforting to be able to make love seamlessly. I value that sense of ease and solace. I’m just aware that comfort can easily slide into habit. Habit can equal fixed and unchanging. For me, that’s death.
I use sex to push my boundaries. It helps me to know more about myself. Through lovemaking, I learn about my own emotions, my partner, and the dynamic we create together. If I follow the same template every time, I stop having to think. In a way, I stop consciously giving and getting consent. Comfort and safety are very important, but I want to fully be present, every time.
Thankfully, I have a deep fear of being stuck in a rut. I don’t ever want our lovemaking to become rote. I don’t want to do something because we always do that. I don’t want to take the easy way every time. I think we’re okay. We are highly imaginative and there is nothing wrong with our sex drive. We still have fantasies left unexplored, kinks not yet delved into, toys waiting to be discovered, power dynamics to be experienced. There’s still a lot of wild animal in our rut. And very little of the stuck.