I want to be taken. I want to give myself.
And I do have that dynamic in all of my lovemaking – we exchange energy like that. I give myself, open up to my partner. I am received and cherished. My partner does the same and we are made intimate with each other. We are full of love. This is amazing and beautiful and I can’t live without it. But I have this deep longing for something more.
I want a kind of power exchange. I’ve talked about it before, but I find it so hard to articulate. I’m sure it’s based on early childhood experiences, the things that imprinted on me with my earliest sexual experiences. The fact that those experiences were games played by my abuser while he was instigating a years-long system of abuse makes it complicated. I don’t in any way want to be abused or feel abused or role-play abuse. I want to be the powerful person I am now, using the hot erotic charge of those things that turned me on as a child.
Of course, there is shame involved. I was often shamed as a child for showing too much interest in sex or having too strong a desire to please. Part of what I’m looking for now is approval. I want to make my partner happy with me. I want to be a good girl. Unfortunately, the shame gets in my way when I try to communicate what I want. It’s hard to speak up. What if I’m showing too much interest? I am not hampered by this worry usually, only here.
I have a huge fear of rejection around these desires, also stemming from my childhood, where I was sometimes punished and rejected for causing lust in my abuser. It means that I have a deep belief that if I try to ask for what I want sexually, my partner will not want me any more. Maybe even that I will be shunned or denigrated. As soon as I sense any kind of hesitation on the part of my partner, I go to a place where I am being rejected. I immediately blame myself for being too much. I get angry at myself. But I don’t want to be angry at myself, so I get angry at my partners. Surely it is their fault.
It’s not my partners’ fault, although they certainly bring their own stuff to this dynamic. I’m just hurt and pissed that I can’t get what I want – or that I think I can’t. Truthfully, I get a lot of what I want. I’ve come to realize that it isn’t really about now. I could probably use sex now to heal some of this stuff from the past. Why not use the things that are sexually charged to get off and create positive change? It works both ways.
What is it that I want? I still can’t say for sure, although I keep trying. This space is more of a feeling than an action that I can point at and say, “Here, do this.” Above all, I must be accepted for who I am in this space. I want to be cherished, protected, and cared for. I want someone else to be in charge, give me clear instructions. I might need some guidance, but I don’t want a lot of pain. I want to be possessed, owned, but not in a way that scares me. And I am scared.
I’ve fought hard to be free of the shadows of abuse in my life. I will not go back to the darkness. Yet I have this deep longing that presents itself in my sexual life. To deny it is to deny a whole part of myself, to keep that part of me a broken child. It’s a tightrope walk to make this work. It doesn’t come easily for me to submit like this. It’s not easy for my partners to take on this role in the bedroom. But, damn it! This stuff is my stuff. It turns me on. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I’ve been submissive before, but never like this. I’ve always been play-acting. Submission for fun and games – I’ve liked it a lot. This space that I’m wanting is the real thing. Actual submission. I’m having to overcome my fears and shame to get to a place where I reveal my most hidden and private self, drenched in desire and full of need. I want to give myself. I want to be taken.