Feb 262012

Evoë with very short hairStore clerks seem confused by me. PTA moms radiate disapproval. Small children stare at me with wide eyes. All I did was shave my head. Why is this such a big deal? It is though. My buzz cut seriously messes with people’s perceptions. The belief that females have longer hair is deeply ingrained in our culture. My slightly femme presentation paired with extremely short hair tends to provoke the weirdest responses.

I’ve gotten used to it. It’s been two months since we shaved my head. My hair is an inch long now. I’ve stopped wearing hats everywhere. I’m just me, so it takes me a while to remember why people might look at me funny. And they do! Not everyone, but often enough. Parents are suspicious of me when I drop one of my kids off for a birthday party or play date. Guess I might be “one of those” people.

I think that if I presented more butch, people would be more comfortable. I would fit into a stereotype that makes sense to people, even if it isn’t acceptable to them. I’ll have to try the experiment to see. People just can’t seem wrap their minds around a feminine person wanting really short hair. They tend to assume that I’m fighting cancer or something. I’ve even been mistaken for Joel’s brother in a photo where I was naked. That’s some serious denial!

I love my hair this short! My youngest likes to run her hand over my hair as she falls asleep. It’s sweet. All of my lovers have mentioned how much they adore me like this, although to be fair, they liked my hair long as well. My hair is never in my face and dries very quickly. It’s pretty easy to take care of, but drives me insane because it tweaks in all directions. Who knew that inch-long hair could be so difficult?

It’s hardest to be grey. I’ve been dying my hair for so long that I had no idea just how grey my hair was. I’m too young to be so grey and I want to look as young as I am. I look totally different with my natural color. It makes me feel hard – more butch than just short haired.

It’s an interesting lesson for me. I would have thought that I could have my hair any way I want and people would treat me the same. I didn’t realize how deep and unconscious the stereotypes are.  Still, it doesn’t matter: I’m going to be me. And if I happen to help people challenge some assumptions, so much the better.

Feb 252012

cuntI had my whole hand inside of her body. I keep thinking that. Last night I worked my whole hand into her cunt. It was so amazing. Fisting is incredible. I can’t get over how close I feel to her, even now. She’s so beautiful. I’m so lucky. I had my whole hand inside her.

She showed up last night after the children were asleep, bearing lambic and dark chocolate. I told her that I felt unworthy of her affection, having only Folgers and cheap sulfite-free wine to offer such a goddess. She kissed my doubts away. We curled up on the bed, talking and stroking exposed bits of flesh.

I love her eyes. And her wicked smile. She has many different smiles that say a multitude of things, but I especially like the one that lets me know that she has done something very clever and deliciously bad. Usually to my benefit. Then there’s her hands, her fingers lacing in and out of mine while we talk.

We caught up on the last couple of weeks and discussed our other relationships. It’s nice to share with each other about all of the love we have in our lives. We talked about sex. Then I pin her to the bed and ask what she can’t live without in sex. I imagine the things she might detail, perhaps oral sex or orgasms or pain, but I’m surprised when she answers: connection. OMG, I’m in love. Of course connection is why I have sex. I want to know someone through sex. I’m so in love.

We’re still new to each other. We are learning each other’s bodies and preferences. I wanted to go down on her in a major way, but I was nervous. I haven’t actually had a lot of practice at cunnilingus, especially recently. I got all shy and awkward telling her what I wanted, yet warning her that I’m fairly inexperienced. She looked baffled for a moment, as though unsure how to respond before reassuring me that that she wouldn’t judge me too harshly. It made me laugh.

Determined to give it a good go, I worked my way down her body, kissing, sucking, and biting. Her cunt is gorgeous. She has 3 rings through one side of her labia. It’s just perfectly right. I nuzzled around in her pubic hair, taking in her earthy scent. I thought about what I like in oral sex and tried to do the same on her. I took my time and explored. It turned me on. As things heated up, I found myself with my whole face buried in her cunt, licking with wild abandon, following her rhythms. After she came, I kissed her, everything a juicy mess.

Then I wanted to be inside her. The vagina is such a mysterious and amazing place. She is so hot. I slipped a couple of fingers in and worked up to my whole hand with lots of lube and erotic play. I found myself glad that I had trimmed and filed my nails and worried that it hadn’t been enough. Her body writhing and contracting around my hand filled me with intense awe. I was so grateful to her for allowing me in, for sharing herself with me. I wanted to fill her and surround her and melt through her.

exploringI thought that she should go to sleep then, but that wicked grin showed up. My turn. She explored my cunt, letting me know that she thought I was beautiful. What she thinks matters a lot to me because of my abuse history and having given birth 5 times. I am not always comfortable with my body. I was absurdly touched by her gaze and her compliments. Then she did wicked things with her mouth.

I’m not exactly sure what she did. Her mouth latched on to my clit and she rode my bucking pelvis until I came, hard and fast. My new favorite thing is her eyes looking at me while the rest of her face is obscured by my pubic hair. Have I mentioned that I’m in love? Because as soon as I’d come, she rode the waves of that orgasm straight into the next. Then I held my beautiful girl in my arms and she looked very smug. Deservedly so.

There’s a certain satisfaction to snuggling down in bed, with the smell of sex everywhere and a naked woman pressed against me. I felt at peace in the darkness for the first time in a while. This morning we woke early so she could go to work. I allowed myself the luxury of falling back to sleep, smelling her scent on the sheets. I’ve got it bad.


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Feb 222012

Cal Exotics Love DiamondThe Love Diamond vibrator has rendered me speechless. Well nearly. When California Exotics sent me this vibrator, my first thought was that it’s the tackiest sex toy I’ve ever seen. But hey, tacky can be kind of fun in the right context, right? Still, I was taken aback by the shiny hot pink Barbie case and princess jewel. Clearly it’s designed to speak to a woman’s inner 3-year-old. Who knew you could get a vibrator to match your My Little Pony collection?

Actually, the clear soft portions of the vibrator let you see the inner mechanisms at work. I think that’s pretty cool. I like figuring out how things work. On the down side, those parts smelled and tasted funny, like chemicals, even after washing. I used a condom just to be careful about what I put in my body. My vagina is very sensitive. I also used lube because it’s a lot of toy to be introducing to my cunt without some warm up.

Cal Exotics Love Diamond in useThe awesome thing about this vibrator is that it is designed for maximum impact. There is a dildo-like shaft that rotates and is meant to be used internally to massage the g-spot and a 2″ long protrusion to tease the clitoris. There are 8 levels of rotation and 8 of vibration, as well as 3 functions of vibration and pulsation for both motors. The end result is 200 different combinations of vibration and pulsation plus rotation. But no matter how many combinations I tried, I couldn’t come at all.

It’s a fantastic idea, to stimulate both the g-spot and the clit at once. My favorite way to orgasm is with my partner’s fingers on my g-spot and a vibrator on my clit. It’s intense and feels great. I hoped that Love Diamond would be like that. I really tried. About 6 different times. I wonder if my anatomy is different from most women’s and that rendered Love Diamond ineffectual. The rotating tip certainly stirred me up, but didn’t seem to hit the right places. I also had troubles lining the teaser up for clitoral stimulation. The right angle eludes me.

Love Diamond did turn me on. There was some excitement – thing were starting to happen, but no matter how long I went at it I never achieved satisfaction. After one play session in the shower (yes, it’s 100% waterproof!), I gave up in frustration and turned the shower head on my clitoris, coming in a matter of seconds. So maybe the best use for this toy is for foreplay and teasing.

Cal Exotics Love Diamond in useIt takes 3 AA batteries and the controls are easy to use. I like the power button because it’s straightforward to turn it off quickly. Each motor is controlled separately, so it’s possible to just use the teaser or just use the rotation. There is also a button that makes the rotation switch directions continually. It can be quite noisy. I didn’t feel like I could use it with the kids in the house.

I know that this is supposed to be a luxury high-end vibrator. There may well be people who get intense pleasure from using the Love Diamond, but sadly, I am not one of them. This might be the first vibrator I’ve ever tried that I can’t get off with at all.

Bottom line: all show, no go.

Grade: D


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Feb 192012

FleshWrapFleshWrap, by Ntimate, has me more excited than any toy I’ve reviewed in the past year (except maybe the Mystic Wand). It’s difficult to explain, but the results are spectacular. It’s a “male pleasure system,” different from anything I’ve ever seen, and Harold and I have tried a lot of testicular experiments.

Don’t get me wrong, FleshWrap is not a CBT device. It’s like an oval made of hypoallergenic polycarbonate rod, bent into the shape of a taco. You massage and stretch the testicles until you can place the scrotum into the FleshWrap, with one end up against the perineum and the other resting against the balls. Then you carefully work the skin of the scrotum into the frame until you have enough room to insert a stainless-steel crossbar that holds everything in place. I know that sounds confusing, but it’s fairly easy in practice, and just takes a bit of time. Harold can do it faster by himself, but I think it’s more fun as part of our foreplay. I only worry that I might pinch him!

The result of wearing a FleshWrap is that the balls are pushed up toward the cock, while putting pressure on the perineum. It pulls the skin of the penis tighter, increasing hardness. It had an amazing effect on Harold. His erections while wearing this product have been incredible. We’ve even been able to fuck at times when he didn’t expect to be able to. His orgasms were improved because of the extra stimulation to his balls. It seemed to work especially well when I was on top.

Of course, we are into CBT, so we used FleshWrap to get up to some serious stuff. We usually tie off Harold’s balls for any kind of impact play. If he’s standing, I like to stretch his balls down. I love Fleshwrap when he is lying down because his balls are presented to me so perfectly. It also gives him a hard-on in an impressive way. I can smack his balls easily in this position. We also used FleshWrap as a platform for some needle play that was very successful.

Sadly, Fleshwrap does not fit all men. They say on their website that you have to be able to put your thumb and forefinger around the base of your scrotum after some massage and stretching. I know it also helps to be in a warm environment, but Joel was not able to fit into the FleshWrap no matter what. I hadn’t realized that there were such dramatic differences in scrotum type. Joel’s is more round, Harold’s more dangly. I was very disappointed not to get a second perspective.

FleshWrap in useI would mention that it’s easy to get confused about which way the FleshWrap goes. It can be frustrating to be trying to insert the crossbar and it not fitting no matter what you do, until you figure out that you’ve got the frame turned sideways. Two different sized frames come in the package, along with two different sized bars, and each bar can be used with either frame. While this gives you a fair amount of latitude for finding the best possible fit, we didn’t notice much difference no matter what the combination. The largest frame and smallest bar was the easiest to get into to.

I am so impressed with and excited by this device! I wish I could use it on both of my guys. I recommend Fleshwrap for everyone with a scrotum. Don’t be scared off if ball pain makes you cringe, because FleshWrap is NOT just a CBT toy, although it’s certainly an excellent starting point for CBT. I really love balls. I love to caress them and suck on them and squeeze them – and now I want to put them in a FleshWrap.

Bottom line: try out this brilliant scrotum device for intense pleasure!

Grade: A-


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Feb 182012

OphoriaNothing is as iconic to kinky sex as a simple cock ring. It brings to my mind images of massively erect men ready to fuck for hours. Cock rings are to virility as lipstick is to bombshells, right? It’s a good fantasy, but I had never tried a cock ring with my partner until Babeland sent me the Ophoria v-ring. I admit, I was a little disappointed that it didn’t give him 12 inches. The back of my mind was hoping that a cock ring would equal a porn star erection. It doesn’t, but it does seem to add some fun interest to your sex play.

Ophoria is baby blue, velvety soft silicone with a vibrating bullet that fits snugly into a sleeve on one side. The bullet comes out in order to wash the ring and uses micro button batteries. The batteries are supposed to last about 40 minutes, but the great thing is that Ophoria comes 2 extra sets of batteries! You can also swap out the bullet for a different one if you want more intensity.

Condoms can be used with this product – they just go on first. We applied Ophoria when Harold was semi-erect. I pulled his scrotum through first, then pulled his cock through, so the cock ring circled the base of his penis and balls. Harold found Ophoria to be comfortable. The first time we tried it, we put the vibrating bullet up top, where it would stimulate my clitoris. I hated it. I was on top and bouncing against it hurt rather than titillated. It might feel better with him on top, but I didn’t like the little protruding knobs – I’m too sensitive. The second time, we turned the vibrations under his balls. He seemed to really like the extra sensation.

Cock rings are supposed to help trap blood in the cock in order to improve and extend erections. Does it work? I think so. Harold was not sold, his previous experiments with cock rings had not had the outcome he was hoping for. I felt that his erections were harder and that he orgasmed more explosively. If nothing else, it’s an inexpensive way to experiment with an erection. It’s almost always fun to try something new. Ophoria can even be used in strap-on sex to hold that bullet in place!

Incorrect application of OphoriaThe product itself seems to be top quality. I’m impressed with the design and the manufacturing. While it may not be something I we use often, I think it’s a great toy to add to my collection.

Bottom line: Good clean fun, worth every penny.

Grade: B+


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Feb 172012
Sugar Butch & Butcher

Sugar Butch & Butcher

Last night I was privileged to attend a workshop at the CSPC in Seattle called “Owning Your Birthday Suit: Embodiment for Queers,” facilitated by Sinclair Sexsmith (of Sugarbutch) and Amy Butcher. It was designed to be a safe space for kinksters, freaks, and sexual outlaws to explore the powerful connection between genitals, heart, and mind. This workshop borrowed principles from Tantra and The Body Electric, in both of which the presenters have a strong background. As serious and hardcore as this all sounds, I had a lot of fun.

The bulk of our time was spent on experiential exercises. With a different partner each time, we explored eye contact, saying no, giving an authentic yes/no answer, feeling where energy is blocked in our bodies, sensing where the erotic lives in the body, our genital/heart connection, and connection to each other. We experimented with asking for touch that we wanted then receiving it, as well as giving touch to someone else in the manner they desired.

Sinclair and Amy suggested that erotic play could be approached as a series of experiments, with no commitment to outcomes. I love this! This is totally how I handle sex. It’s so much less stressful to simply try something out to see how it works. Approaching new things this way has opened up many doors for me that I might not have otherwise explored.

I also liked their many suggestions for ways to be mindful or embodied. Things like, breathe and go outdoors. I think staying connected to life helps in staying connected to the erotic. Also, daily meditative practice. Which can include mindful masturbation. I can get behind that!

All night long, the back of my brain has been assimilating everything I learned at this workshop. We drove directly home, discussing the experience on the way, then we went right to bed. I thought about what my body wanted and asked Harold to hold me, rather than getting into my side of the bed. I tumbled into his arms and burst into tears. It was the culmination of a full day, with difficult medical procedures early on, but also just the sheer kindness of being held. Harold holding that space for me and giving me the touch I needed, opened me up to release the sadness I had been holding in my body. I felt that I was truly owning my birthday suit.

In the middle of the night I lay awake thinking about how much embodiment informs my parenting style. There are so many things that parents must say no to for safety reasons: no, don’t touch the hot stove; no, don’t poke your brother with that stick; no, you can’t sleep over at your friend’s house because her parents are alcoholic and abusive. I try to think of all of the ways that I can say yes. Maybe I can let my children help me come up with alternatives that are acceptable to everyone: wow, feel how hot the stove is from here; let’s sword-fight with sticks instead of poking; why don’t we have your friend come over here? I want my children to really listen when I have to say no. The rest of the time, I want them to feel that they own themselves.

This plays into mindfulness in parenting. Mindfulness is really being present in the moment – awareness. I realize that I am very busy and tend to start ordering things around my children, without really seeing them. So, I mindfully practice embodiment by spending time with each child, every day by meeting them where they are. It’s not always easy. I tend to want to think about a work problem rather than making the elephant talk or hearing about what elves do, but my children are really interesting people. They deserve my consciousness. This means that I love and accept them (and give them attention) for who they are.

Embodiment also affects my parenting in terms of physical affection. My children know that they own their bodies in a way that I did not. They ask for touch that they want: give me a hug, blow on my tummy, kiss my owie. And my kids feel comfortable telling me no: aw, Mom, stop hugging me! Sometimes they suggest something else: Momma, you can pat my back. On my part, I work to not endure touch that is uncomfortable for me. For example, when the little one needs to be held in the middle of the night, I happily give my love, but I also make sure that I am comfortable. I don’t need a crick in my neck or a sore back.

I guess all of this parenting stuff is alive for me because if we all grew up knowing that our bodies belong to us, without shame for our sexuality, that we could say yes or no as we desired, feeling in our bones that we are worthy of respect – would we need workshops like the one I attended last night? The term birthday suit reminds us that we are born in perfection. It’s all of the things that wound us as children that take the rest of our lives to unlearn. I’ve spent my entire adult life working on owning my birthday suit, yet I continually learn more. It was an amazing workshop. I just want to be carrying this message forward.

Birthday suitOwning Your Birthday Suit: Embodiment for Queers is really just the briefest of introductions to a whole world of erotic study, but I feel that Sinclair and Amy did a fabulous job at making it fun, relevant, and accessible. This queer grrrl is feeling both embodied and empowered.


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Feb 122012

Evoë ThorneI consider myself pansexual and genderqueer, but over the past few years I’ve presented more like a straight woman. I have two male partners and a passel of kids. Sure, I have a crew cut, but I can be pretty femme. I’m polyamorous, but I haven’t really dated at all in the past 4 years. I was busy helping to forge our family. Then I’ve been doing all of my intense emotional work. And WholeSexLife takes up a lot of my time. But I’ve had a few people on my radar, just waiting for the right moment.

Blyss is a good friend who I’ve been flirting heavily with for a couple of years. We’ve had a chance to get to know each other and build some basic trust, with some sexual teasing mixed in for interest. When she moved out of state recently I figured that I’d missed my chance. But then she wrote me a letter and kept sending me messages online. I was touched – and interested. I saw Blyss around Christmas time and invited her to have sex with Harold and I and to take pictures for the website. She was totally interested, but then had to cancel.

I saw her last week and all of my boi stuff kicked into high gear. In a fit of bravado and sexual interest, I asked Blyss to come and spend the night with me. I even asked in front of one of her other partners and one of mine. I didn’t even think about it – I wanted her.

Later, I freaked out a bit – What was I thinking? (That I wanted to spend time with her.) I don’t know how to make love to a woman! (Not true. I’ve done it before.) What if she canceled again? (Always possible, but not the end of the world.) I spent all week thinking about the upcoming date. I went to trim my nails to lesbian standards and couldn’t find any clippers. I ran out and purchased 3 sets of clippers. I cleaned my bedroom. I bought sexy new panties. I put clean sheets on the bed. I arranged roses and candles. I went through my sex toys trying to think of using them on a female. In short, I was anxious and obsessive. Thankfully, Harold didn’t mind that I talked a lot about Blyss.

Just before Blyss was supposed to arrive I gave up. I decided I couldn’t do it. Then she came through the door and everything was okay. She has such a beautiful way of making everything good. It helped soothe much of my awkwardness. We did normal homey things like eating dinner and reading a bedtime story to the kids.

Then we talked and talk and talked. Blyss is brilliant and sensitive. We giggled. And the boi kicked in again. I wanted to make love to this woman. Enough talking, I pounced. We rolled around, kissing, exploring each other with mouths and hands. She left hickeys on my neck. She has amazing breasts. I loved doing things to her nipples that make her squirm and squeal. I was reminded of how much I adore cunts. She likes to be stretched, so I worked up to four fingers, curling and pressing. I added clit rubbing and nipple stim until she came. SO amazing!

Strangely, sex with a woman really isn’t any different than sex with a man. People are people. It has me thinking about how passive I have traditionally been in my relationships – I have let men take the lead and then decided whether or not to follow. It is a cultural gender paradigm that I was following without thought. With women, I have often felt awkward, waiting to see who would make a move. I’m proud to say that this time, I made a move.

After that, I had to fuck her! I found my two-way and buried my cock in her cunt. The brilliant thing about the two-way is that I get both g-spot and clitoral stimulation with it. I actually orgasmed fucking her, only MY cock stayed hard. I felt like such a boi, needing to bone the beautiful girl. The energy was fantastic. Two-way

Sadly, at that point I was getting really tired. Probably all of the oxytocin being released into my system from the orgasms. I had to ask Blyss if she would be offended if we went to sleep. We cuddled up. I woke much the same way in the morning. I worked from bed, holding her hand, and watching her sleep, marveling at my good fortune to have such an amazing person in my bed.

When she woke, we made breakfast for the children. We sat and talked. She left for work. It all felt so smooth and natural. Seamless in a way that I always long for. It was my girlfriend experience. It’s early yet, but I can see possibilities in this relationship. I’ve invited Blyss back again.


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Feb 112012

“Like so many things in my life, sex is no longer what it was to me a year ago; the end of a 22 year relationship changed sex for me by its very definition.  I sometimes think people stop maturing once they get married, almost as if we subconsciously believe marriage makes us legitimate adults and there is no more need for personal development.   My standards for sex were set when I married at 21 and they didn’t change much.  Masturbation?   Masturbation was okay but lonely, it was for people who had no other options and  it wasn’t sex, sex required two people and they should be sharing the same space for it to count.   Phone sex, chat sex, virtual sex..these seemed unfulfilling and cold to me.

I’m not sure why I felt qualified to lay down this judgment on what was and wasn’t sex; I was arrogant in my assumptions, and by what right? The example of my own marriage showed me to be no expert at creating a happy and fulfilling sexual life.  Long term relationships do allow room for boundaries to be tested and inhibitions to come down but it had been so many years since there was any kind of passion in our relationship that I cannot even remember if it ever existed in the first place.

My  lover lives on the opposite coast.  My relationship with him has drastically expanded my understanding of what sex is and what it can be. Most of the sex we have happens electronically, we chat and text and video phone.  We can have sex on the train to New York when I start texting him during his travel, we can explore fantasies in the safety of a chat platform and when we meet for a long weekend together, there is no shyness or hesitation, only ease and love and the fantasies are realized.  I can look into his eyes during a video call and see how turned on he is to see me play with my naked nipples, and I know my trust in him is as much a turn on as my nakedness.

There are times when the distance makes me ache for my lover but I am happy for the creativity and inventiveness the distance forces us to bring to our lovemaking.  My panties travel through the mail to him after we have fucked and they are soaked with my come.  Masturbating with him, knowing he will soon be enjoying the panties I am wearing makes me even wetter. I pull them tight against my cunt and push them inside of me, so they will hold my scent for him. Later, he tells me about the time he spent with them, and it is one of the hottest things I have ever heard.  I am masturbating as I think of him and how hard his cock is when he brings my panties to his face.  Sometimes they come back to me, his come inside of them and I wear those dirty panties. I feel him between my legs all day and at night I masturbate while I wear them, rubbing them against and inside of me until any trace of him is gone.

I hope that someday he and I manage to put our lives closer together, but even then  I think  we would still spend the occasional evening in separate rooms,  making love to each other via the internet.”

Feb 072012

Turned onEvery few months, I spend about a week totally turned on all of the time. It’s as though the whole world is waiting to make love to me – the ground welcomes my very step, the wind caresses my skin, and I want to fuck everything that moves. My cunt is always wet and my nipples are sensitive. I can’t stop thinking about sex. I engage in mildly wild behaviors, like wearing a short skirt without panties to dinner, hoping he will slide his fingers into me. Or giving blow jobs in cars. Or getting myself off 3 or 4 times a day.

Then every so often I hardly think of sex at all for a while. Really. Sex just doesn’t seem that important. I’m not opposed to sex, I’m simply not turned on. If I am approached for sex I might offer to help out with a hand job or oral sex if I feel like it. I think it’s important to say yes to as much as I can while still honoring myself. It always surprises me how often I end up feeling like having sex.

The rest of the time my libido is normal for me. I think everyone has these cycles. Inevitably though, I find myself in the position of wanting more sex than my partners. I’ve just been going through one of those turned on phases. My life doesn’t allow for fucking whenever I want to. Sex is pretty much scheduled. But I am creative. I find ways to masturbate. We can do a lot of teasing and lovemaking short of actual penetration. It feeds my desire until I think I’m going to explode. Once the children are asleep, we might make love. But what if my partner isn’t interested?

We had sex the first day. The second day he got me off with fingers and mouth. It was just what I wanted, but I felt bad not reciprocating, despite his protestations of just wanting to sleep. The third day I seduced him into sex. I could tell that he was tired, but at least we were connecting. I was getting what I needed and it felt great. Unfortunately, after a while the sex felt kind of aerobic and empty. I had a few orgasms, but he wasn’t coming.

I know logically that it’s totally okay for him to not be able to orgasm. I get it. But I felt sad, like I failed him, like our bond is lessened. Occasionally, one of us orgasms without the other. I don’t mind if I’m the one who doesn’t come during intercourse because I know that I still can orgasm and likely will, usually with his enthusiastic help. But sometimes he’s in a place where he can’t come at all, no matter what we try. It seems like a commentary on my attractiveness and skill as a lover. I have to really process my feelings. I know logically that he wants me and loves me.

Worse is being totally turned on and having my partner not want to do anything at all. I feel rejected and desperate. I worry that I’m a freak. It hurts to want to share myself with someone who is not open to me. I know that I am still loved, but in the moment, I just ache. It’s hard to be vulnerable and get shut down. I’m not skillful with this. I tend to withdraw, look within myself, be alone. I feel like my desire will consume me if it isn’t matched and met. My body needs an outlet for this lust.

Maybe for that reason, we went hiking on the fourth day. I climbed a fucking mountain. I was still turned on, but the physical challenge fulfilled my body’s needs and his company kept my mind busy and my emotions happy. Afterward we drank coffee and listened to music, soothing my sensual soul. I still masturbated, but it was an easier day.

The fifth day I woke up to him making love to me. Our sex didn’t have the urgency of my increased libido, just sweetness. I felt reassured that he wanted me, wanted to fuck me. The doubts had lingered for days, but his cock pounding into me from behind left no room for ambiguity. He loves me. I’m okay. Ironically, I didn’t orgasm during our sex. I was half listening to the children downstairs and wasn’t fully relaxed. It didn’t matter, I got what I needed.

Not turned onNow my libido has subsided to normal levels. I don’t know why my body goes on a bender every so often. I can only assume that it’s hormonal. While it feels fine and normal to me, I worry about what other people think. I especially want the people I love to still love me. I respect my partners’ right to say no, but I want to  utilize other ways of being close, other ways of getting my needs met. I know that soon my libido will shift again and I will be the one saying no. It’s the libido limbo.


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Feb 062012
David Steinberg 2011

David Steinberg 2011

Simultaneous orgasms are kind of a holy grail for me. I love playing and letting the erotic charge build between us, but when we start getting close to coming, I want it to happen at the same time. It feels incredible, like the orgasm gets reflected and amplified. I feel like we are both wide open to each other. It’s a blissful place, full of love and joy.

Of course, orgasms are, by their nature, ecstatic. It feels good to come. Period. But it feels that much better to do it together. I know for some people it takes some practice to figure it out. I’m lucky that I can orgasm from vaginal sex, which is not all that common. We came together our second time fucking and have just kept on coming together since. It feels like a part of who we are as a couple.

We don’t always orgasm at the same time. It works best if I’m on top because I’m most likely to come that way, but we have also been successful doggy style or missionary or a number of other positions. We probably come together about two thirds of the time. It feels vaguely dissatisfying when we don’t both orgasm during sex – nice, but not quite right. Sometimes we decide not to have penetrative sex and that’s fine. I like to get him off with my mouth and hands. I adore his hands and mouth. Those things are all yummy flavors, I just really prefer the spiraling bliss of coming together.

I think it’s more than just timing. We have something I’ve never experienced before. Seems like anything that feels incredibly good to me, also feels just right for him. Following my pleasure gets him off too – and his obvious enjoyment turns me on even more. We feed off of each other, encouraging explosive orgasm. Physiologically, I imagine that increased arousal adds heat. For example, I’ve heard that vaginas get a couple degrees warmer at the point of climax. Wouldn’t that make his orgasm more likely? Energetically, we are both so turned on by the other’s happiness. We open up to love and find ourselves.

David Steinberg 2011

David Steinberg 2011

I don’t force anything. I listen to my body and follow his cues as well. We are very open to each other. The natural result is often simultaneous orgasm. We come together because we are together, and it makes me happy.


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