Feb 072012
 

Turned onEvery few months, I spend about a week totally turned on all of the time. It’s as though the whole world is waiting to make love to me – the ground welcomes my very step, the wind caresses my skin, and I want to fuck everything that moves. My cunt is always wet and my nipples are sensitive. I can’t stop thinking about sex. I engage in mildly wild behaviors, like wearing a short skirt without panties to dinner, hoping he will slide his fingers into me. Or giving blow jobs in cars. Or getting myself off 3 or 4 times a day.

Then every so often I hardly think of sex at all for a while. Really. Sex just doesn’t seem that important. I’m not opposed to sex, I’m simply not turned on. If I am approached for sex I might offer to help out with a hand job or oral sex if I feel like it. I think it’s important to say yes to as much as I can while still honoring myself. It always surprises me how often I end up feeling like having sex.

The rest of the time my libido is normal for me. I think everyone has these cycles. Inevitably though, I find myself in the position of wanting more sex than my partners. I’ve just been going through one of those turned on phases. My life doesn’t allow for fucking whenever I want to. Sex is pretty much scheduled. But I am creative. I find ways to masturbate. We can do a lot of teasing and lovemaking short of actual penetration. It feeds my desire until I think I’m going to explode. Once the children are asleep, we might make love. But what if my partner isn’t interested?

We had sex the first day. The second day he got me off with fingers and mouth. It was just what I wanted, but I felt bad not reciprocating, despite his protestations of just wanting to sleep. The third day I seduced him into sex. I could tell that he was tired, but at least we were connecting. I was getting what I needed and it felt great. Unfortunately, after a while the sex felt kind of aerobic and empty. I had a few orgasms, but he wasn’t coming.

I know logically that it’s totally okay for him to not be able to orgasm. I get it. But I felt sad, like I failed him, like our bond is lessened. Occasionally, one of us orgasms without the other. I don’t mind if I’m the one who doesn’t come during intercourse because I know that I still can orgasm and likely will, usually with his enthusiastic help. But sometimes he’s in a place where he can’t come at all, no matter what we try. It seems like a commentary on my attractiveness and skill as a lover. I have to really process my feelings. I know logically that he wants me and loves me.

Worse is being totally turned on and having my partner not want to do anything at all. I feel rejected and desperate. I worry that I’m a freak. It hurts to want to share myself with someone who is not open to me. I know that I am still loved, but in the moment, I just ache. It’s hard to be vulnerable and get shut down. I’m not skillful with this. I tend to withdraw, look within myself, be alone. I feel like my desire will consume me if it isn’t matched and met. My body needs an outlet for this lust.

Maybe for that reason, we went hiking on the fourth day. I climbed a fucking mountain. I was still turned on, but the physical challenge fulfilled my body’s needs and his company kept my mind busy and my emotions happy. Afterward we drank coffee and listened to music, soothing my sensual soul. I still masturbated, but it was an easier day.

The fifth day I woke up to him making love to me. Our sex didn’t have the urgency of my increased libido, just sweetness. I felt reassured that he wanted me, wanted to fuck me. The doubts had lingered for days, but his cock pounding into me from behind left no room for ambiguity. He loves me. I’m okay. Ironically, I didn’t orgasm during our sex. I was half listening to the children downstairs and wasn’t fully relaxed. It didn’t matter, I got what I needed.

Not turned onNow my libido has subsided to normal levels. I don’t know why my body goes on a bender every so often. I can only assume that it’s hormonal. While it feels fine and normal to me, I worry about what other people think. I especially want the people I love to still love me. I respect my partners’ right to say no, but I want to  utilize other ways of being close, other ways of getting my needs met. I know that soon my libido will shift again and I will be the one saying no. It’s the libido limbo.

 

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