A week ago Harold and I got into a doozy of a fight. We don’t fight often, but when we do, it’s big. We are passionate people. We’ve worked through most of the patterns our arguments have taken, resolved the childhood issues that tangled us up, and repaired the damage our disagreements inflicted on the relationship. It’s sometimes taken us a while, but we value what we have together. This latest altercation, though, it crossed a line.
For the first time, Harold got physical with me. I’ve lost it on him a few times before, but he’s never hurt me non-consensually before. It put me in a bit of a quandary. As a surviver I have a fierce determination to never put myself in a victim role again – although my playing the victim is exactly what set Harold off. As Harold’s partner I am familiar with his emotional state and what brought it on. This is the only pattern we haven’t been able to resolve yet. We end up in the same place with every major fight. I know what he was going through.
Still, I got hurt. It wasn’t okay. He knows it; we’ve talked it all through. I was able to talk to him about how angry I was. He agreed that it can’t happen again. We really got into the heart of this pattern. I think I can avoid his particular trigger (although he is still responsible for his actions). I believe we can dismantle this series of behaviors that we get trapped in. I am now at a pretty good place with regard to this fight.
I don’t think Harold has come to terms with what he did. I’m just realizing that, despite the repair work we’ve done, there is some distance between us. Everything seems okay on the surface, but it comes out in our sex. We’ve had a normal amount of sex – 3 or 4 times since the fight – but he hasn’t orgasmed with me once. That’s never happened before.
Harold is basically a 17 year old in a sixty year old body. His sex drive is fine, but he can’t always get his cock to play along. Erections are more fickle than they used to be. Fatigue, poor nutrition, stress, and emotional upset tend to affect his ability to get hard. He’s told me that if it just doesn’t feel right, he won’t get hard, but he’s always had a hard-on for me.
This past week Harold has gotten erections and the sex has felt fantastic. I haven’t had any troubles orgasming, but Harold…just hasn’t come. Sometimes one or the other of us doesn’t come. It happens, no worries. But 3 or 4 times in a row? I started thinking about all of the conversations we’ve been having about how his body follows his emotions. I think there’s an issue.
Maybe our argument is making it hard for him to open up to me again. Maybe he doesn’t believe that I want him. Maybe he doesn’t trust himself to let go. I don’t know. But I do trust him and I want him. Maybe I’m reading too much into this because I feel insecure. Maybe it is purely physical. I want our sex life to stay as fucking hot as it’s been for the past 4.5 years. I constantly fear losing the connection we have.
Perhaps it’s that fear of loss that motivates us to keep things clean between us. I don’t want to become complacent. That’s what ruins marriages. I have faith that we will resolve these patterns between us and things will be better than they ever have been before. Love matters.
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